New Years!

I can barely believe that the holidays have come and gone and now it's New Year's Eve. I have a boat load of resolutions. These are less resolutions but the goals I want to focus on. My plans this evening address two of them. I am doing something that scares me and it's yoga focused. Pretty impressed with myself already knocking two out. Only half kidding. Below is the big list:

1. Shave a minute off my mile
2. Continue my yoga practice, which I will be doing tonight AND Melissa is going to start giving me private classes Wednesday nights, what up!

3. Take a trip on my own
4. Date myself until I am at peace with my own company
5. Continue per suing a healthy life and identity outside my weight
6. Work on seeking stronger internal validation and seeking external for what onlywhatiknow to be true
7. Take a cooking course
8. Nurture healthy relationships
9. Cut toxic relationships
10. Push my writing on blog & fitperez videos
11. Do things I am afraid of ( doing this tonight, kirtan? More like scare- tan)
12. Have the continued confidence to be myself and continue figuring out who that is
13. Organize my apartment
14. Make my apartment feel like a reflection of me and not cave of dysfunction
15. Fix my front teeth
16. Get better at saving money
17. Push myself out of my cardio/strength training comfort zone
18. Continue redefining my exercise goals because I still do not grasp my potential
19. Meet with plastic surgeons to formulate an excess skin plan
20. Quit just working and re-engage with my career plan

This is a lot but the coolest thing for me is one of these is not to lose weight. Been there done that. One of my biggest goals and motivations when I started this process was to get new problems because I was so sick of the constant weight loss focus. I got my wish, lots of new things to obsess my heart out on.what are your goals, hopes, dreams for 2011? Happy New Year's everyone, you mean more to me then you could ever know!

OMG!

I feel like a 5 year old who got a gold star at school! My first blog award. Thank you, thank you, thank you Fat Fries, Please! I love your blog, the emphasis on self acceptance, the honesty, and laugh out loud humor make me fall a little in love every read. Okay passing this on to 5 other blogs with that little bit extra:

http://nomnomsforeveryone.tumblr.com/

http://thebingediary.blogspot.com/

http://fatbridesmaid.com/

http://results-not-typical-girl.com/wordpress/

http://www.weightinvain.com/

Shameless Twitter Plug

After getting over my twitter fears and feeling far less overwhelmed by it I am into it. There are so many people out there with similar struggles. I knew that intellectually but to keep seeing person after person who is changing their lifestyle and doing it one day at a time is so cool. Anyway follow me on twitter or don't, but check it out. It really is nice to realize how many people out there to share a similar struggle.

http://twitter.com/DiaryFFA

And some more

More pics

Some Pics from the Holidays and Drive

Spoke to soon

The holidays went pretty well. Everyone got along well, yummy food was made and eaten, presents were well received and then snowmageddon hit. I got trapped in Atlanta. My brother was having a pretty full on meltdown in regards to it. The airports were closed, and the thousands of people were stranded but he still wanted to take it all personally. I saw something interesting, my brother has interesting coping skills, but more then anything he still seeks a lot of control in his life. I never hugely sought to control my environment. I did in terms of making sure I can that eat alone time but I have generally always been flexible. He has another addiction to alone time, and smoking pot that he needs to regularly serve that was fueling this meltdown. It was nice to be dealing with my own hang ups so I was not frantic at the thought of being somewhere else. I had what I needed my dog, my books, my family and the rest will work out. When our flights got canceled Monday and we were informed we would be lucky to leave on Thursday I thought my brother was going to have a heart attack. For Realz. That's when we decided to drive. I was daunted at the idea of 15 hours with a sibling but it actually wasn't too bad. We sang, we chatted, we ate some junk food, and we made it out alive. I had my own internal meltdown at the thought of not being able to snack healthy or eat "real" food for hours, but we packed a cooler and I tried to be good about drinking water. When it was all said and done I did pretty well. I ate reasonably well and more then anything learned I have strengthened my coping skills not just for food but life. If I can handle 15 hours in the car I can handle anything.

O' Brother Where Art Thou?

So far so good....Mom's spirits are high, my brother is relatively deal withable and I am surrounded my dogs which makes me happy. Yesterday I regained a little control by going grocery shopping. I don't drive, as in it's not a choice but I don't have license. My brother was nice enough to take me to the grocery store so I could get some essentials. I got oatmeal, sliced raw almonds, roast turkey, greek yogurt, and English muffins. This helped me feel more in control of my options around the house. My Mom has a real mish mash of food available, and she can have half an apple, some brie and a few crackers and call it lunch...I can not.
I'm trying something different this year. Usually I just eat what's available and then rebel a little on my way home, no joke airport Chik-fil-a in concourse A, not my concourse why yes I think I will, and I would like to avoid that. It's a tough line between having some comfort but not eating emotionally. Being completely out of food control for 4 days is not a good idea for me. I can hang to a certain degree and not stress but at some point I say well I can't control it might as well REALLY go for it. My goal as it has been this holiday season is not to gain.

I went to the Nutcracker last night and after a vodka soda and then a bellini at dinner, this felt like the longest ballet ever. We took my baby cousins who are not such babies anymore but are super adorable little girls. One of them at dinner was telling me how much room she had in her belly for dessert and how she really likes breakfast and dessert but not lunch and dinner so much. I said so you like sweets huh, and she, replied with the starry eyes sweets bring, oh yes. The most interesting part was a six year old then proceeded to inform me that she tries not to eat that many because too many sweets are not good for you. I was blown away, she then told me how she had learned about it at school in health. It was pretty cool to see how she had grasped it and it wasn't a body issue but a health one. There's hope for all of us yet if we have six year old cousins to educate us.

My brother who I have a complicated relationship with, also tried to "compliment" me by telling me how from behind I looked much thinner and he could really see my results starting, and the beginning of a waist but the backs of my legs didn't look so good and were clearly still my trouble area. Uhm I've lost over 100 pounds jerk. If it took you until now to start to see something get your eyes checked. He then started suggesting some things I could do to work on the backs of my legs. My brother is hardly the epitome of health. He has eaten his way through every fast food restaurant in Atlanta and full on admitted he was going to eat emotionally while here. Anyway my point is not to vent about him or diagnose his issues but rather that I shot him down. I said dudeski do me a favor and do not discuss my body. I said you're giving me a backhanded compliment and it's just weird. Rather then sucking it up and just nodding it felt good to call him out and bring it to his attention. He doesn't do this to compliment me despite him trying to protest his innocence. I really do question the goodness of his intentions. I think he does it because it's an arena he feels up and feels I'm down in standard sibling rivalry. Regardless of his intention I am not going to put up with it. He can have his issues and I can have mine but when it comes to my body I'm the sheriff of this town and can control the conversation.

It's Christmas Eve and we have a party every year. I plan to not eat any feelings and just enjoy catching up with everyone and not letting anyone else's issues bring me down. Hop everyone is having a lovely day and has a lovely healthy holiday.

Round Up

What a lovely session with Marisa today. I had missed her! Now that I am sort of through the woods of emotionally draining sessions and get to direct more what I want to address I really love my sessions. It's so great to have this place to go with confusion and either walk away with clarity or at least be better with no answers. I also lost 2.5 pounds which truthfully I was shocked by. More because of being sick and not working out then my food choices. I find it really interesting taking the pressure off to lose resulted in a loss. It was a delightful surprise. I also shared my goals for 2011 which I will put here to when I get a moment. Hope everyone is well and having a good week. I am off to Atlanta tomorrow to kick off the holidays. I am SO EXCITED!

In Other Non-Men Related News

I'll see Marisa on Tuesday after her vaca. I am a little troubled I might be up because of being sick and not working out, and some less then healthy choices. I have lots to discuss with her, and lots to plan ahead to. I have some new non-weight loss centric goals to share with her. Egon and I set goals for me to work on in the gym, it's going to be good. I refuse to get bogged down by what the scale could say.

You Know What's Better Then Therapy?

A friend who gives you therapy via text message. I love Tina. I truly do. I had some harsh epiphanies last night and started text bombing/panicking on her. In a few sweet messages later I was much calmer and reassured. I am learning as I move past the food stuff there's other stuff to be worked through. The harsh realization is I am still not 100% okay being alone with myself and my thoughts. I still want to distract and suppress. I may not use food anymore but there are other ways around this. I have to deal with it. I have things I want to accomplish, and healthy ways I want to further encourage and strengthen. Looking forward to heading home next week for the holidays to crawl around in my brain a little bit and start focusing on what I want and who I want to be. I guess it really is time to grow up.

I know it's a bad idea yet...

I can not stop engaging with this guy I know is a bad idea. He's a good guy, or so I think but he's not good news for me and yet....I still engage. I like having a crush and have since I was a little kid. It gave me that little boost getting ready in the morning to put that make up on or actually do my hair and not just wear a pony tail. I am 30 now so I would hope I would be beyond this. It would appear I am not. I think in so many ways this is not about a boy. It's about a distraction. I know he's not for me, for many reasons. He's tortured, he has some problems he needs to work out, and most importantly he does not seem interested. Let me repeat that, he is not interested, because if he was he would have asked me out. I say this to drill it into my head not to elaborate for you lovely readers. I of course make this some sort of game. You don't like me well I will make you. This makes me sound far crazier then I am but I definitely have a habit of pursuing guys who make me feel like who I am is not enough, and I have hidden behind that. I have hidden behind who I could be instead of who I was. I wish he wasn't so cute because I have to move on. I have to mantox. I want to know why I still get so hung up on male attention as a way of validating myself, and why I willingly engage with guys who make me question my worth. It's not them it's me, and I have to hold myself accountable. I am hoping by writing about this here, I will be forced to make good on my promise here and leave him alone and run the other way! I have more work to be done on myself, 30 pounds left to lose, and an apartment to make some order out of. I don't need a handsome distraction no matter how tempting it may be.

Feeling Gross

I feel gross for two reasons. One I have cold-zilla. For Real. This thing is awful and I feel just terrible. Still. Sorry to whine, but seriously I have not been rocked this hard by a cold in a long time. Two, after two days home watching movies and ordering in food I feel gross. I have not worked out since the weekend and I am going a little nutso. I just miss it. I know I can't just yet. I had a moment of total delusion where I thought because I am working today I could work out. Yeah....sitting at your desk and a hour of cardio, very different. I just feel like gigantor automatically. I hate this about not working out, but eating. I automatically feel really fat like somehow a few days of much needed rest takes me back a 100 pounds ago. This is not healthy and definitely something I need to work on. It's all part of treating myself not just better but healthier. I have to learn balance and part of that would be when super sick try not to think about the gym but getting rest, drinking lots of fluids and the hope that your ears will one day be unblocked.

Totally Eating My Feelings

I have a terrible cold right now, like really bad. I feel like death. I am eating my feelings in a positive manner though. Healthy Greek chicken lemon soup. Dear lord it's like liquid heaven. Not all eating of feelings is a bad thing. If you are in the New York area it's from Uncle Nick's and it's amazing.

New Video and New Graphics

New video is up on Fitperez.com but my new graphics have also made their debut! Thank you again to Jen for doing them. Check out all of her other awesome work on her site:

http://popkern.tv/

Update

Office party went pretty well. I did have three drinks and not two, and I did not eat dinner before hand. No real fall out though. It was a good time and wasn't too nerve wracking. There was even a dance off or two.

Office Party Survival Strategy

Our annual Holiday party is tomorrow I am chanting the below to myself:

1. Two drinks max

2. Dinner beforehand or at least a decent snack.

3. I will enjoy myself

4. I will bring flats with me when my heels become unbearable

5. I will not get caught up in some of the shenanigans my co-workers are destined to be a part of.

I am training with Egon on Saturday afternoon so I pretty much have to behave myself and get to bed at a decent hour. I sort of like having that built in to ensure I don't go off the rails. You see I have a rebellious streak and I like to rebel against even myself 'cause you know that really benefits me....not at all counterproductive or frustrating.

Attack of the Toxic Ex

I was in a relationship that was incredibly bad news bears for about 4.5 years off and on. What little self esteem I had left he pretty much obliterated. I should rephrase that I willingly let him obliterate. He comes around every once and a while I do still have some contact with him, or did. I think when I finally broke up with him for the last time realizing I would rather be alone then with someone who reinforced my negative self image and that in this battle it was him or me he was shocked. For about 6 months or so he acted like it was a break. Then he started to respect the distance and then he started to woo. I have to admit losing over 100 pounds felt really good to show him. It felt really good to be like uh huh this is what you're missing. Not proud of it, but just being honest. He went quiet on me for about three months and then popped back on my radar right around my birthday in July. He actually made contact the day after my birthday in his typical crap timing. We chatted a bit, caught up, exchanged some texts and then silence again. This was approximately August. I realized last night as I deleted his number out of my phone,I am over it. Over examining it, over proving myself to him, over "trying to be friend", over moving on, over maintaining boundaries, over it. He literally has no place in my life and I do not feel one speck of guilt about it. He made some mistakes, I made some mistakes, but there's a reason we are exes and those are generally not friends. What bound us is not there anymore and truly if I am brutally honest about it, never was. There was not mutual respect, this was a one way street and again if I am really honest about it completely reflective of how little I thought about myself. What I see now is because I didn't love me I didn't want to be with someone who did. I wanted to be with someone who asked very little emotionally of me accept supporting and existing for them. I was not a whole person to him, he set bars and I jumped to meet them over and over again. If I do this he'll love me. I fell into this trap because I was willing to and I see that now. When we had the very last break up conversation and he said I loved how you made me feel about myself it said it all. I will never ever settle again for being the person who makes someone else feel good and that's it. No way. It leaves you far more empty then being alone ever could.

I feel so honored...and cool

My girl crush and amazing friend Tina, name checked me on her blog. She also did a variation on swiss chard. Check her out, but don't try to steal her away from me with any of your wiles.

http://nomnomsforeveryone.tumblr.com/post/2135787796/can-we-go-steady-already

Redefining Goals

I am thinking about New Years Resolutions and have to be thinking about goals outside of weight loss. This is so much harder then I thought!! I have a few that spring to mind, but I weight loss has been such a long running goal of mine I have forgotten about other things I want to accomplish. All weight loss and no play makes for a very dull girl. I have always been goal oriented and looked to have hobbies and interests but operation healthy took over such a large portion of my energy and day to day life I sort of let other things slip. Time to redefine where I am going and what else I want to address. Number one, and most importantly is my apartment. It is a cave of dysfunction. Hello my name is Anna and I am a slob. For Real. I have to address this. It makes me feel bad about myself, and I am over it. I want a home that I feel comfortable in and not reminded by how I used to live in chaos. I no longer find comfort in that at all. Now to find an action plan and carve out some time to enact said plan. More on this to come.

Whoops

I talk a big food log game and I have to be honest I have been bad bad about it. I have to get back to logging each and every bite. I am logging but a little too after the fact. Not sure why, but maybe outing myself here will make me examine that and hold myself accountable! I always have to be holding myself accountable, for what I eat, or what I do not record.

Great Blog Find

I stumbled across this blog and ended up reading most of it Friday night. The honesty is breathtaking. Highly recommend it.

http://thebingediary.blogspot.com

Great Advice from Lisa

Lisa DeFazio the Fitperez.com dietician has some awesome insight into celebrity diets and why not to do them!! It can be tempting but they are really icky. I also vote to not compare myself to people who part of their job is to look awesome, and walk red carpets and have pretty unlimited resources to do so. Why make that your standard? Also why compare yourself? I am aiming these days to be the best me, without crazy diet fads, celeb tips and silliness.

Finally Finding an Answer

I got a really great email from someone telling me a little about their struggle and asking me what really got motivated to start my journey. I really applauded the email because they reached out and that's what it is about, asking for help and staying committed to finding what works for you. So awesome. Anyway, I still have a hard time articulating an answer to why now, but I thought my reply is actually the closest I have come to being able to verbalize why I started this.


Response:

Thank you so much for your email. It's so kind of you. What made me start this whole process was I was really tired of being overweight. I have struggled with my weight off and on since I was a kid. I started investigating gastric bypass but sort of knew in the back of my mind it was not totally right for me because I was becoming aware that the problem was more in my head then it was in my belly. It wasn't so much I had this insatiable appetite but that I used food as a way to deal with my life. I also felt like it was preventing me from having the life that I should be leading. I am a confident person but I was tired of overcompensating for my weight. I was also tired of being defined by my weight both by myself and other people. It just got to a point where I was finally able and willing to admit I wasn't happy and my weight was playing a huge part of that. I also had to accept I was hiding behind my weight. My weight was not the issue it was the symptom. I had really low self esteem and was not really dealing with my life and past things the way in which I thought I had. I was using food to numb myself. A big turning point for me was when I realized binging was not doing what it once did. Food wasn't making me feel better, and how do you know you're an addict when it's not fun but you keep doing it anyway. I joined a gym, and realized I was going to have to incorporate exercise not just to lose weight to be healthy and that was what I redefined my goal as. I wanted to be healthy mentally, and physically. I wanted to be able to prepare nutritious meals for myself, incorporate exercise, and not fear my food and my relationship with it. So I got exercise under control, found a great trainer, started working with her, and then found my nutritionist. She has changed my life. The very first appointment I had with her was life changing. She really opened my eyes to the validity of the emotional component and how much the problem really was I didn't love or value myself therefore I did not think I deserved the things I wanted. Not easy stuff to deal with but I can not tell you how happy I am that I did. I have not had too hard a time maintaining my motivation because this process has been so rewarding. I have learned so much about myself. I have learned how to love, value, and respect myself and body, not identify with just my weight and value myself through that only and as a special bonus proper nutrition and healthy living practices. I achieved my goal of living in a healthy manner and as a bonus have lost over 100 pounds is the way I see it.

You are absolutely worth living the life you want to lead, but more importantly you deserve to feel great about yourself, your body and what you put into it. Find what works for you, maybe try a nutritionist. Find the support system where you are challenged, held accountable, but feel safe to be honest and do not feel judged. WW did not work for me, crappy dieticians who told me to live off of egg whites and sugar free jello did not work for me, meal delivery nope didn't work, nothing worked until I was able to admit I was not happy and was ready to do this for myself. I also think though I needed to work with someone who I felt understood my problem and did not reinforce my shame about it. I had never said aloud that I binged until I met my nutritionist and I have binged since I was about 5 years old and was 28 when I started seeing her. 23 years of hiding a behavior is exhausting. Now all that time I spent worrying about what I ate, or what diet I was following, or how I felt about my thighs or whatever is my time to decide what to do with and as a student you need all that brain power for you! I advise you to think about what does food mean to you. It sounds like a silly question but as Marisa my nutritionist put it to me she said until you can figure that out you will never maintain a healthy weight. I now better understand what that means. Food was my friend, coping mechanism, wall, outlet, voice so many things, and now it's just what I eat.

I hope I have answered some of your questions and hope I have not over shared. Please let me know if you would like to know anything else. I have been there, and every day I wake up and just try to do the best I can because it's the rest of my life of taking care of myself not a diet.

A few sneak peaks

In looking ahead to new videos, I was thinking of discussing the following:

How to find a good nutritionist, mostly because I have seen lots of icky ones before finding Marisa

The differences between overeating, emotional eating, and binging,

Two of my friends Lisa who has lost 100 pounds and kept most of it off for 6 years after a life time of dieting, and Tina who lost 155 pounds and has kept it off for 8 years. I thought these ladies my join me in sharing their stories and their tips.

Thoughts? Feelings? Emotions?

You just never know where that boost might come from

What a week! I went from feeling a little mopey and sorry for myself to feeling really awesome. It has nothing to do with my weight...well maybe a little bit. It has to do with the community the internet provides. My fitperez video this week had 2500 views in one day. This has not happened AT ALL on any of my other videos. The amount of views is definitely super cool and a lovely boost, but what has really just made my week is the feedback. I have received emails from people who have watched the videos, comments on the blog, new followers, and everyone has just been so overwhelmingly kind and utterly amazing. I saw a friend last night who said I saw your new video and it was your best yet you have really found your voice. It meant a lot to me to hear that and I would have to agree. I am finding my voice. In many ways. Outside of food, and my weight, body and what have you and now as a vlogger. It's such an amazing tool to be able to share with people my own struggles and successes. Losing weight is not easy, but really figuring out what made you gain it in the first place is enough to make you cuckoo. It really takes having a great support system and outlets. I have so many outlets available to me now and thank my friend Lauren for urging me to make videos, my friends who urged me to write, and who read my entries and let me just go on and on, and this wonderful and amazing community of people who give me a place to talk about all this. I get excited every day to share more, hear more of your stories and find out what you want to know. Thank you, thank you, thank you.


I also did end up weighing myself and did not meltdown or go on any sort of tailspin. The emotional eating has been kept in check despite the residual mopes, and I am looking forward to the weekend oh so much.

Training Wheels Are Coming Off

I've been a little blue the past few days. I thought or hoped it was boy related but oh no could not be that simple. Before I could full on launch the pity party I saw Marisa today. Much of what is going on is I am learning to love myself. Uhm if it's love why does it not feel so good? This is a great thing and one I feel awesome about but the down side is I feel more then I did before because I do not run from the feelings. It's nice not to be dismissive or to be numb but it is tough. One thing I am having a hard time with is it looks like I am plateauing and my weight is not changing much and immediately my mood shifted with this realization. How I feel about myself is still intertwined with my weight on some level. I thought I was beyond this. I also thought one day this would be done, over, there would be an end. I realize better now there is no end. There will never be a time I do not have to take care of myself and be vigilant about my well being. I can want an end to being weight loss focused but there is never moment when you are done worrying about you. It's when you aren't that you start eating feelings and doing other harmful behavior.

It never fails that I arrive to see Marisa confused, upset, or just otherwise off and feel so much better leaving. She does not say anything magical, or tell me everything is going to be alright but she better helps me navigate and her confidence and assurance that this is all apart of a larger process helps me not lose sight of my place within it. I am being a little emotionally bombarded because I am spending more time alone at home without distraction, and I am plateauing so the focus is on me not the weight loss. This is where stuff comes up. Every time stuff comes up I take away a great lesson. I also can not have it reinforced to me enough there are so many accomplishments outside of the scale.

Marisa is going on vacation for two weeks and some of my homework is super pleasant! I get to make healthy goals non-weight loss related, woo hoo, and I have to think which I can do. The other big thing is I have to weigh myself. Twice. All by myself. Marisa was pleasantly surprised I think to learn I had actually followed her advice and thrown my scale out. I have not weighed myself in almost 2 years. I also have not really known what I weigh. We operate on an up, down, same system. I have asked her to tell me when I get below x tell me please, and at one point did learn where I was and where I began. I am nervous but excited. I feel like if I had ever had a driver's license it would be like being given the keys to the car. I think despite the upset of potential plateau it is really important I am held accountable for two weeks. The number does not matter I have goals to set, things, to do and self investment to make but I know how quickly I can hide from myself and getting off that scale would be one way to do it. Wish me luck, hopefully there is no meltdown around the corner!

Wow I'm Rude

I have new followers who I have neglected to welcome or say hello to. So sorry about that. Thank you for following!! Thank you for taking time out of your busy lives and days to read my musings. It means more to me then I could ever really explain.

Oh Great An Eating Holiday

Maybe it's because I lived abroad for years where there wasn't a Thanksgiving or because my own family just wanted devout about celebrating it but I am not a huge Thanksgiving person. It's a great idea in theory a day of reflecting on what you are thankful for. Big fan of that. What I am a little less a fan of is a day dedicated to eating. I celebrate it with my mom and brother so it being the three of us makes the food volume a lot lower. I have a lot to be thankful for as well. Below are some tips to keep Thanksgiving in check and healthy living going, and my own what I am thankful for list.


Tips:

1. DO NOT GO TO THANKSGIVING HUNGRY, sorry to yell but this is super important. Do not for one second think I'll skip breakfast and lunch or whatever in order to make up for the calorie intake of the meal. This is a recipe for disaster. By the time you sit down to eat you're going to be super hungry and not stand a chance at eating a sensible meal.

2. Yay for lean protein! Take advantage of the turkey. Try to eat it skinless and enjoy it.

3. Try to load up on vegetables and fruits first if you can. If you put veggies on your plate first then you have less room for starch.

4. Eat what you enjoy, just try to be smart about the portion.

5. Eat around your plate, don't go for what you love first. Eating around your plate helps you feel satiated quicker.

6. Eat slowly, it's not going anywhere and when you are full remove yourself from the food. Perfect time for a walk no?

7. Drink lots of water, stay hydrated just like any other day.

8. Use a smaller plate. Smaller plate smaller portions and give yourself permission to have seconds.

9. Do you need everything? If you love mac and cheese, and sweet potatoes do you need a roll? Lets face it you're going to be full. The roll, cheese plate, relish tray whatever may not be necessary.

10. If you are really afraid of what your options may be, bring something! Introduce your family to something new and cover your own bases.


Thankful List:

1. I am thankful for my amazing team of support and the continued education, guidance and support they give me.

2. I am thankful for embracing exercise and it not being a chore.

3. I am thankful for the amazing women who have come in to my life as of late. They are a continued source of inspiration and utter coolness.

4. I am thankful for having made lifestyle changes that have enriched my life in ways I am still unable to articulate properly. It goes so far beyond weight loss. The weight was never the problem it was the symptom.

5. I am thankful for alternative grains, sweet potatoes, almond milk, and dark chocolate.

6. I am SUPER thankful for having so many different outlets beyond food to cope with my life, including but not limited to this blog, and FitPerez.com.

7. I am thankful for really being okay with who I am and what I am about. It may have taken until 30 to embrace this but better late then never.

8. I am thankful I didn't have gastric not because there is anything in any way wrong with it but that I trusted it wasn't right for me. Listening to this voice changed my life in the best of ways.

9. Super excited about the way my communication and dialogue with my mom is evolving and growing. She'll never get it, but I love her for trying. She has never given up trying or lost hope I would figure my problems out. It's a comfort on tough days.

10. I am thankful to be living and functioning without an eating disorder for the first time in my life. I manage it now. It doesn't manage me and I decide how my life goes, what I eat, when I eat it, and how I feel about it the disorder doesn't.

Happy Holidays to everyone. LOTS-O-LOVE!

Plateau or Lazy-o?

I haven't really been on a super losing streak lately. I was not stressing too much about it until I was leaving Marisa's office on Tuesday discussing setting new goals and she said well lets get you out of this plateau first...uhm plateau? That's a scary word in any weight loss journey. Months ago when this really was not a realistic fear of mine, now closing in on the last legs of this journey it is. I truthfully do not think I have plateaued. I think I have not been holding myself as accountable as I should be. I have been trying out some new stuff balancing the social with the health and there's been some wine, missed work outs, short ribs and fun. I have not made mistakes per se but I have also not been 100% focused on losing weight. The good news is this is real life and what I am doing is a life style change not a diet. I have to find out where the traps lie and the good news is I haven't gained weight. Yay to that. This week was back to my more normal schedule so we'll see what the scale says in this debate. I am betting on living being the issue here not physical but who knows. I could be wrong. Certainly wouldn't be the first time in this process.

Another Lady Worthy of an Ode

I have a new logo courtesy of my friend Jen! Jen is a super talented designer/animator who does SUPER fabulous work. She also introduced me to Tina so I loves her a lot on multiple fronts. Check out her work at her site: http://popkern.tv/

Q&A

http://fitperez.com/2010-11-18-guest-vlogger-anna-toonk-answers-your-questions

Homework

When I first started working with Marisa I got lots of homework. Some was easy, or had the appearance of being easy and some was super scary and daunting. I have been cruising along lately. Dealing with things as they arise but nothing too kuh-razy going on. My sessions have been more geared towards refinements and pushing towards the end, and well just wherever we end up that week. Marisa continues to push me out of my comfort zones and this week I got two more assignments. Item #1 I have to work out at least three mornings a week. I had begun to do this a little on my own to try to balance the social and the wellness. It's tough. It takes planning, energy and time I do not always feel like I have. So far this week I have made it to the gym two mornings so it looks like I just might be able to do this. Item #2 was to eat dinner earlier and practice just being in my apartment. Not being frenetic, eating, or out avoiding home. I have to eat dinner earlier because generally I am not getting to it until 10pm. Part of this is schedule. I work long hours, and after the gym, dog pick up and dinner fixing it's 10pm. I have not done much to change this. Anything to avoid waking up early and working out. Getting out of my little bubble of wellness though I have had to incorporate the morning and the earlier dinner. I have returned to the outside world and for the most part I feel good about it, and not afraid of any weight gain implications but I do know I have to be vigilant. Tonight I have a party to attend and then it's home to bed to get to the gym tomorrow morning to make day 3 and first assignment complete.

Recipe

I'm a big Mark Bittman fan because he's a genius, anyone who publishes How To Cook Everything is not messing around, and because many of his evolving recipes are about embracing seasonal foods and clean eating. I assure you no flavor is lost at all in these methods if anything it's playing to it's strengths. So ditch the lean cuisine and make yourself something delicious. It's scary at first but totally worth it I swear and promise!

Garlicky Chard with Olives and Pine Nuts

Makes: 4 servings

Time: 40 minutes

Olives play a starring role in this dish, so quality really matters. Buy bulk olives if at all possible and see if you can find the glossy, deep black, shriveled oil-cured ones (taste one to make sure they’re good). You can use spinach, kale, cabbage, or even bok choy instead of the chard and, for extra richness, crumble a little feta cheese on top right before serving.

11⁄2 pounds chard

1⁄4 cup pine nuts

2 tablespoons olive oil

6 garlic cloves, sliced, or to taste

1⁄3 cup good-quality black or green olives, pitted and chopped

1⁄2 cup red wine or water

Salt and black pepper

1. Cut the leaves from the stems of the chard. Cut the leaves into wide ribbons and slice the stems (on the diagonal if you like); keep the leaves and stems separate.

2. Put the pine nuts in a large skillet over medium-low heat. Toast the nuts, shaking the pan and stirring often, until just starting to turn golden brown, 5 to 10 minutes. Remove the nuts from the pan. Put the oil in the skillet and heat for 1 minute. Add the garlic and cook, stirring, until soft, golden, and fragrant, about 10 minutes.

3. Turn the heat to medium and stir in the chard stems and olives. Cook, stirring occasionally, until the stems soften a bit, just a minute or 2. Add the chard leaves, wine, and a sprinkling of salt and pepper. Raise the heat to medium-high and cook, stirring, until the chard leaves are wilted and most of the liquid has evaporated, about 5 minutes. Stir in the pine nuts and taste and adjust the seasoning. Serve hot or at room temperature.

Another Ode to Tina

Tina's blog has had me inspired to quit being a baby, lady up and get my cook on. She works in the same industry so if she can find the time so can I. The only downside I have found to intuitive eating is if you are like me and pressed to find time to cook, but supposed to be listening to your body for cues you reach an impasse. I have been veggie mad lately. Specifically kale, brussel sprouts, and swiss chard. I have no idea why but that's what I have wanted. Real. Bad. I stumbled across this Mark Bittman recipe for swiss chard and finally got my lazy act together and made myself a delicious dish I have all week. Recipe below and pictures of my cooking adventure as well. How pretty is rainbow swiss chard?! I definitely think it tasted far better then if I had ordered it because I appreciated the time and energy it took and found it after a weekend of working quite relaxing. the next time I make this I would probably use less olives or change the type and I would reduce the olive oil. You are gaining fat from the pine nuts and the olives so 2 tablespoons of olive oil despite how many servings it yields is a bit much for me, but if you love olive oil keep it as is.

Best. Date. Ever.

I have been doing a lot of new things. New classes, meeting new people, trying new schedules, new, new, new. One of my newer friends/co-workers and I were talking about the FitPerez videos and she mentioned a friend of hers who had lost over 100 pounds on her own. Before I could even think I said I have to meet her, or at least talk to her. Seriously I didn't think, hesitate or question if this was weird. I knew I had to speak to this woman. Jen being the lovely lady she is gave Tina my email and a friendship was born. I can not put into words still two weeks later what at first emailing and then meeting Tina was like. From the very first email I was thought I love this girl, she gets it, we have so much in common, and we speak the same language. Poor Jen was getting bothered by me every few minutes relaying how much I loved Tina from the get go. Tina and I set a evening to meet and share our stories. I could not have been more excited, best blind date ever.

Never has a dinner been so epic for me. Tina lost 155 pounds. I am going to say that again 1-5-5 pounds. She not only lost 155 pounds which is phenomenal, but she has kept it off for 8 years and wait for it....she did it on her own. I literally still am just in awe of her. I have had a nutritionist, trainer, acupuncture you name it on Team Weight loss, and while I feel like I have done a good share of the work I have far from done it alone. I literally can not wrap my mind around it. Tina is an amazing person beyond her weight related achievements.

It was so cool to talk to someone who has also wrestled with what weight loss brings to your life beyond new clothes. There is so much that feels like navigating puberty or something again. Marisa is a tremendous support for me and I do feel like I can discuss anything with her, but at the end of the day she is my nutritionist. It was such a huge relief, and just overwhelming experience to speak to someone, my age, in my industry who has done the same thing. Beyond losing weight we also have a striking amount of similarities. We both favor a strong lipstick color and are striving to move beyond identifying outside of our weight, in terms of gain or loss and enjoy the term of endearment love dove. We spent about 4 hours just talking. We both were brutally honest and probably revealed more then we ever intended but at this point what do you have to lose? I've spent way too long not being honest about my self destructive dysfunctional behavior to hide it from someone else anymore. Especially someone else who might actually understand and have some advice. My friends who I love dearly just do not understand the ins and outs of it and I get that, and appreciate it but to be able to say something to someone and have it understood and completely related to left me both emotionally drained and euphoric. I told both Tina and Jen prior to meeting Tina for dinner, if Jen had not vouched for existence I would think I had made her up and was meeting myself for dinner.

We covered a host of things, how we ended up where we are at, the past, the present what we hope for the future, you name it. I am so happy to have met Tina, and hope we do continue our friendship and think we will. I am also so happy to have been open and honest and revealing as my true self. When you have an eating disorder and are in throes of it you are very much consumed by protecting that disorder and way of what life. It's what you know and how you operate and it's how you cope with life. I no longer cope or try to control my life through my relationship with food but that does not make life any easier. I am resolved not to go backwards and go back to old habits but it is so nice to know there is someone out there I can talk to who gets it. I have had lots of life experiences which have distanced me from my peers, I lived abroad, lost a parent young, and a few others but my point is this is not unfamiliar territory to me. I thought the eating disorders were similar another thing to add to the I am not like everyone else I know pile. I don't think I had realized that for many of these things there are positives and I do have a sense of peace about them, but this one I did feel lonely. I started this blog as an outlet for coping with that and what I keep learning is if I put myself out there I do get support back. It's when I shut down that the negative happens. Had I filtered myself or second guessed myself and not said to Jen I have to meet her, I would not have received one of the best compliments of my life from Tina, and I quote, "You cracked my wall with your intelligence and grace and epic spirit." That's some awesome stuff right there and wonderful to have in my back pocket on the darker days.

Tina beyond being awesome, gorgeous, smart, funny and I could go on is quite the writer. I highly recommend her blog and because I am starting to cook more I can't wait to try one of her recipes. Blog is: http://nomnomsforeveryone.tumblr.com/

We should all be so lucky to meet really great wonderful people as an adult.

Yogaaahhhhhhhh

Yoga for me had been more a thing I wanted to say I did but didn't really want to do. It really intimidated me because I imagined classes full of ladies with super awesome bodies. I met Melissa Von Ludwig in the locker room of my gym and she has become a great friend and also my yoga ambassador. I told her I did really want to try yoga beyond tapes at home, but was really scared.

Melissa and I had one of those rare instant friendships. We just clicked, and she said I am a fan of the class here on Saturday mornings I will go with you this Saturday. This was such a win win for me, I had someone I felt super comfortable with and I had to show up. Showing up is half the battle for real. When I actually make myself do something it is charming to see that it's not at all as scary as it was in my mind and overall I am an extremely capable person. In the physical activity realm I have found saying to myself I can do anything for a minute, 30 seconds, an hour whatever the time is when I start to panic is very calming. Once I got over being a yoga newbie and started to be able to grow from it I learned a lot of important lessons. Yoga helped me with body image, like strength training it helped me focus on what my body could do and not what it looked like. Melissa who has done yoga for eons praised my flexibility and told me of her own struggles being an avid cyclist with tight hamstrings. It helped me stop comparing myself to other people and start owning my own body and practice. I look at other people in class if I get lost, but I don't look to them as a comparison. We all have our own strengths, weaknesses and histories that inform your capabilities.

Yoga also helped quiet what I refer to as the worried voice I was in a place where I was just starting to trust the new skills I was learning. I was just sort of moving to life beyond disordered eating, and recovery and identifying myself with those two things. I was worried all the time about relapse, about unhealthy behaviors creeping back in. Yoga helped me quiet that voice and appreciate the present and focus on what I can do in the present. I can not get to the size I want to be tomorrow, but what can I do right now. More importantly how can I best enjoy my life? The best thing about leaving disordered eating behind is all the time you regain. I have regained portions of my brain that were entirely devoted to eating, dieting, worrying about my size, and a whole host of other food/weight related topics. This section of my brain I have regained control of and I focus now on not aspiring to be cured because I never will, but the best way I can manage this to keep that section for me and what I want to use it for. If you want to heal, or change in a way that is beyond a hair color you have to humble yourself and let go of a lot of your ego.

A yoga instructor said to the class once, "Yoga is not about gratifying the ego, it's about gratifying the body, and it should not feel comfortable, if you are pushing yourself and doing things which will make you see change it should not be comfortable or easy." These are some wise words which can be applied to a lot of aspects of weight loss. Are you working out for your ego or your body? Are you comfortable but frustrated you are not seeing changes? These are things you have to be vigilant about. It never gets easy, and it's never comfortable, but the great news is the confidence you gain learning these new skills giving you the ability to cope and thrive in the challenges and discomfort.

Thank you to Melissa for bringing yoga and spinning into my life and for doing the FitPerez.com video with me! She is a fabulous teacher, friend, and all around person. She is also a practicing vegan and has a unique approach to educating people on her vegan ways, so check out her site: http://site.themeatyvegan.com/

What a difference a day makes

Yesterday I was buying coffee on my way into work when I got a text from my friend that the video I did for FitPerez.com was live. I thought I was prepared for this news but I really wasn't. Part of me wanted to forget the coffee and flee to the nearest computer. I took a breath, waited for my coffee and strolled as casually as I could to the office. I really do not have that many reservations about opening up my life and struggle, because it's been an overwhelmingly positive experience. It is still super weird to think that over 800 people have watched me share something incredibly personal. Hopefully one person will take away from it that their goals are attainable. Especially in this arena education is key. When food is your outlet and has taken a larger role life in your life then it should be told to diet, or just eat less, or exercise more is just not helpful. I think most people understand the basic principles of weight loss, but they do not understand why it doesn't work for them, or why they gain and lose the same 30 pounds. The unhealthy relationship with food is a tough cycle to break but far from impossible.

In other news I have stayed on a losing streak which is exciting. I hope this continues and I will be at my goal before I know it. I have been sickie this week so I have not been working out that much but trying to do my best. Marisa has two orders of business for me this week, get a physical to see what my blood pressure, cholesterol, and blood sugar has done post weight loss, and find a cooking class. I tend to get into food ruts. For two reasons, 1. I get hooked on things, and have a very addictive nature even healthy things, and 2. I get into safe zones of eating. I have to start branching out and knowing I can trust myself with all my new skill sets to maintain my portion control, honor my hunger/fullness, and not burn the kitchen down.

It's Alive!

My first video is up on FitPerez.com. Check it out it out and check out the site! Lots of good tips. Let me know what you want to hear about as well.

Dear Junk Food

We have to break up. It's been a long affair but I know you are just no good for me. I have been off processed food now for some time. Several months, and I hate to admit but I feel better. Food does taste better, fruit sweeter, and even sugar. I quit using splenda and I have been amazed at how much sweeter things taste to me now. I gave up desserts recently, and now wine tastes like liquid cake. Pretty amazing really. I still have a hankering for junk on occasion but now that I have stayed away from it for months it is so much easier to not fall back into the cycle of having it, wanting more of it, and so on. Below are my reasons why I now no longer eat processed food, not because I know I shouldn't but because I do not want to. Progress!

1. This is vain, but so be it, my skin looks infinitely better when not eating processed food. I also have more energy.

2. Fruits and vegetables taste much better then cleaner you are eating.

3. Natural/Cleaner foods are more nutritionally dense and I stay fuller longer, yippee! Love me some nutritionally dense foods.

4. Natural sugars taste way sweeter without artificial sweeteners, and hyper sweetness of refined sugar. Seriously drink your coffee, tea or what have you without any sweetener in it for one week and then add (1) sugar in the raw packet to it, guarantee it will still taste sweet to you.

5. Reduced headaches, not everyone has headaches, I do and they are better without the junk, same with my allergies.

6. Cravings way more regulated. If I crave sweet fruit, yogurt, and other options way more viable, your body does not actually want candy. Candy is just manufactured to make your body want it. Most food producers are jerks. They do not have your hips best interests at heart.

Boring Legal-ese

Sorry to interrupt with the below message about copyright. Basically if you want to use what I have written you have to credit the blog.



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New Season New Changes

Earlier this week I wrote about some changes going on in my life. Well this has continued. It looks like my time in the food addict closet has come to an end. I am going to start video blogging for a website weekly. I am really nervous about this but super excited so we'll see what happens. I hope to be able to share a little of my experience and the information I have found beneficial and useful along the way in a way that others find it accessible as well. Best you can hope for really.

So Much Things to Say Right Now

I am going to attempt to focus my thoughts because it's been a whole since I wrote. Lots going on. New trainer, new goals, new lessons, and new challenges. I am actually learning and redefining what my hunger/fullness is.

This would be a lot easier if my history did not both include restriction and binging. This really monkeys with your sense of true hunger. I do not always know. What I learned recently strengthening these skills is I panic when hungry. I had tried to deny my appetite for so long and then in the recovery process giving myself permission I went way to far. The second I sensed hunger I responded. I am working on this and enjoying the process of learning rather then beating myself up over it. I am a little over the beating up and way more on board with learning and patience. This is a lovely feeling and it is helping me learn more.

Another new development is I am not eating sweets. I am still eating sugar, mostly naturally occurring but no desserts. I have not been 100% on the ball. I have had 3 desserts in 2 weeks which I will take. I was having dessert 1-2 times per day. This ranged from 1 square of dark chocolate to a full blown dessert experience. It was tough at first and still is now, but I see how much more this is a habit then it is an addiction. I am not addicted to dessert like I thought, nor is a cute thing about my personality I feel the need to cling to. I don't need to like sweets to be me. It's been really cool to see myself be open to moving past a habit.

I am continuing to work on my confidence and keep putting myself out there. Out where I don't know but I have been taking classes I always wanted to take, doing things at the gym I thought were beyond me and yes continuing to date. It's still somewhat scary but it gets easier learning to think positive before negative. I literally tell myself to shut up when I got into the icky negative place.

Work has continued to be stressful but I have been doing pretty well at not eating my feelings. Addressing my hunger fullness cues has significantly helped with this because in trying to define how hungry I am I have to look at why I might be. I still eat out of boredom more then I would care to. It's one for the list of things to stay aware of and to have continued patience at addressing.

This week I was 2.5 pounds down which after a few weeks of no losing was a welcomed changed. I was pretty on my game last week, but still had some indulgences so it was cool to really feel like I was living a sustainable lifestyle. I also made a video for a friend in taking a leap of putting my story out there. If only everyone who struggled with their weight knew that there are ways to go about it that don't involve denial and not accepting who you are but embracing and modifying it. It helps keep me committed to living the lifestyle I want to in order to make others aware. I am grateful for that.

I will not fall prey to stress I will not

Week two of the project which threatens to throw me off the eating rails. I did better this week, more checked in and aware but not as well as I would like to have done. Such is life. I am trying to not to dwell on it and beat myself up over it, but not to the point that I am ignoring the behavior. Its a tough balance truthfully. It's in my nature to examine my behavior, but it's hard when the behavior is not something you can entirely trust yourself to be honest about. Am I really checking in and processing what I am feeling or am I hiding behind old habits and patterns? I just do not really know. What I do know is this, I am traveling for business next week. I did this same trip last year and put 2 pounds on in 5 days. 2 pounds 5 days. That's almost half a pound a day and I know without preparing myself and remaining incredibly aware and checked in history can repeat itself. It does not help either that I am going to Houston, and somewhat at the mercy of craft services. There's a lot of junk and slutty food around. Fried chicken, brisket, fresh baked cookies, and brownies, and then the obligatory after a long day drinks, followed by second mini bar dinner. I am resolving to stick to my eating guns, not succumb to peer pressure, and not eat anything I do not want to eat. I can not freak out about not being in control but I also do not need to eat 3 brownies just because they are there and I'm nervous. I spent the past few weeks being really nervous about this trip. Last year it was emotionally draining, and food wise so upsetting but I am determined this year to not let that happen. I am one year down the road with better tools and skills to navigate with. I can not control the stress or what food will be before me, but I can control how I react to it, and how I proceed.

Guilt, Accountability, and Stress

I am under a lot of stress right now at work. I have a big project going on, on top of everything else and I am REALLY struggling with emotional/stress eating. Last week I just get getting kicked, this week I am exhausted. Luckily I have Marisa to keep me on the straight an narrow. I felt a lot better after my session with her Tuesday. She made me recenter my focus and better understand the relationship between seeking control in my life and my food choices. I definitely felt out of control last week and that scares me. I don't like having so much pressure and stress on me and then the additional one of feeling out of control about my food choices. I did not realize how much eating well, exercising and taking care of myself had really centered me. Time to regain that center, get back on track and do what I have been doing best move forward. No dwelling, no mindless choices and no guilt. Guilt is such a silly emotion, but a great way to not face what is really going on. What is really going on is I checked out and no amount of guilt will change that. I got to check back in see what I am ignoring and move on. Move it or lose it, and I still need to keep losing it. The weight that is, not control.

When Being Mouthy is a Good Thing

I have a dear friend who is incredibly smart, motivated, and not afraid to tell you it like it is. I was speaking to her Saturday just catching up and we started discussing weight gain, American food culture, and emotional eating. She came from the viewpoint that it's about education. I am what I would consider well educated. My parents hugely believed in education and when it came to my brother and I they invested in our educations. My mom also bless her heart did her best to teach me good nutrition, no snack food, excess sugar, everything made from scratch was how I grew up. So how did I end up morbidly obese? My brain is whacked is the simplest answer. Somewhere along the way my wires got crossed and weight gain was the symptom not the problem. Food became my voice and outlet, it was how I controlled the conversation of what I could not say. Discussing this with my friend and explaining to her how it is not about nutritional education so much as it is disordered eating led her to urge me to speak on a larger platform about this. I wish more people knew there were more resources out there beyond gastric by pass and diets. There is a way to change your life and gain control of your eating habits, this is attainable. Now I just have to use my mouthy ways and gift of the gab to channel my passion for this topic into another arena. I will have to be public about all this which is scary, but I think it is something I am ready for. I will never completely leave this journey behind, but as I move forward I can direct the conversation and how I do that can be not identifying as overweight or feeling embarrassed about my past, but trying to help others who may want to do something similar as me.

The good news is I didn't feel fat

The bad news is my face decided to make me look like a bucket of water had just been thrown in my face. Dating is stressful. I was feeling okay, not too nervous, and had already talked myself off several ledges, and then epic face sweat of 2010 occurs. Your body always has to betray you somehow doesn't it? A year or two ago because of having a practically crippling case of self consciousness, this would have totally shut me down. Just reliving it for a second in my head would have just made me want to rock in the fetal position, but now all I can do is laugh and hope maybe somewhere he has a penchant for girls who face sweat when nervous.

Houston we have a Meltdown

I do not recommend melting down at 9am in the morning at your nutritionist's office. It makes you one sleepy so and so the rest of the day. The session started well and then I was a blubbering mess. I spent most of last week in my head, but then when I started talking things out with Marisa the tears came. I am so overwhelmed right now by the concept and idea of moving beyond defending, explaining, and apologizing, for my weight. I think dating has brought this up because it's already a pretty awkward and uncomfortable thing and it just brings your insecurities front and center. My weight has classically been a big insecurity of mine. Looks like this has not changed as much as I would like. I have made progress, grown and changed, but there are some demons still lurking in the shadows. I have to focus on the simple task of defining myself outside of my body, and appearance. Sounds simple right? It's one place to start. In the meantime I am going to stock up on waterproof eye make up to avoid the Tammy Faye Baker look. On a good note, I did lose three pounds despite being muddled and anxiety ridden because allowing myself to work through raw unpleasant emotions is neutralizing food. That is a nice trade off. I am eating well and intuitively far more productively then before. It's 100 degrees out but I am eating roasted vegetables right now because it's what I want. That is a downside to intuitive eating. My dog looks at me like really? Really? It's not hot enough we need the oven on, but I have learned the lesson that if it's what you want then it's what you should have. I wish some of the emotional lessons were as easy. I want to move forward not identify with weight, disordered eating, or insecurities, but it's not as easy as preheating an oven.

I do not care for the word big

I do not like the word big, unless it is followed by cupcake or cookie. My I suppose I will be charitable and assume well meaning brother used this in regards to me. I was telling my brother that dipping my toes into dating again was bringing some of my fears back to the surface and that while I am curvy dating makes me feel fat. He says...well you are a big woman. Excuse me? I thought I might have just heard you refer to me as big. I would rather hear fat then big. I have no idea why. I think it's because there is no subtlety to big, an absence of femininity it's like your a lady blob or something. I am a tallish girl, 5'8" and I am already sensitive to this. I will not ever be all that small. I have stayed in my head a lot this week mulling all this over. What was it about an offhand remark that made me have such a whiplash reaction? Is it being sensitive to the word? Unfortunately I think the truth is I have made great leaps and strides in accepting my body and growing to quite like it but we are still in very new territory for me and I still have a lot of work to do, my default inclination is to turn against myself and highlight flaws instead of embracing them. Dating is weird and awkward this we know but what I have to examine is what is harder to deal with, someone rejecting me for my weight or for who I am? I have worked a lot on who I am and redefining this, and it's scary to think that age old loophole of it's my weight isn't really there anymore. I also have to truly start to see and believe that I offer far more then my appearance and weight. I think as good as I feel about myself I do have my own reservations and I project this on to men. I do not know why, I do not know why I identify so strongly with my weight, but I do know now I have some new things to keep working on. Marisa will tell me you have to stop x,y and z, and what I am finally realizing is yes she is right and I do understand that I have to take weight off the table for discussion, or see I offer more then my appearance, but I think the first step is resolving to actually do this rather then saying I do not know how. There have been lots of things I did not know how to do when I started seeing Marisa, but when I was honest and said intellectually I understand what you are saying but I stumble here, or hit a wall there we were able to break it down and work through it. This is just another wall.

Back and a little better then ever

Long time no post, I was on vacation and busy turning 30! Woohoo! A new decade and one I am entering healthier. My vacation was interesting. I also conducted a little experiment and tried to truly eat intuitively. This went pretty well and I loss two pounds, which is exciting. Any vaca you do not gain weight on is a good one. On a bummer note, my trainer broke up with me. This is a blessing in disguise. We were burned out on one another but the way she handled it was not too cool. An email and not a conversation is not terribly respectful of the work we have done together, but I am moving on and taking this as a positive new challenge to change my work out. Wish me luck!

Don't Come Around Here No More

I never ever thought I would say this, but I am over being fussed over about my weight loss. I appreciate people who keep it at a simple you look great, or you look so happy and healthy, there are variations I can handle and I feel very fortunate to hear and receive as compliments. I am not a total compliment scrooge, and I agree with what my mom says it would be weird if people did not acknowledge it at all.However, there are those who touch you to demonstrate how your waist has changed, or use their hands to emphasize the shrinking of your bum. I do not care for this. I used to feed off that, tell me more, how much smaller, and now I just don't enjoy it. I started thinking about this and realized part of why I do not enjoy it is because I no longer identify solely based upon my weight. I no longer think the only thing worth discussing with me is my weight or the only thing of value surrounding me is weight loss. It's that or I am just an ingrate, but I would like to think it's that. I also just don't want to discuss it with everyone and their mom and people who I have not seen in 5 years want me to spill my guts. No thanks this is a party not an intervention. Often the people who ask me the most questions or make the most inappropriate comments go through life this way and have other issues that are theirs to solve not mine, but it still gets annoying. It makes me very excited to get to my goal weight stay there and let my weight loss be old news.

What I have Learned Thus Far

1. There is no good food or bad food, just choices, everything has a place.

2. Water, exercise, whole grains, and fiber are your new best friends and very rarely will let you down.

3. Food journaling and journaling in general are very helpful. It really helps the whole get honest and accountable phase of adjustment. I get it it's annoying but try keeping a journal on your phone. It feels less obvious and it's easy to do on the go. I have been more successful emailing myself then using a traditional journal. It also helps me on the spot make better choices knowing what I have eaten that week.

4. When you get honest and lose being defensive you lose more weight. Amazing how that works. Own your choices, and behavior good and bad, when you give permission you start to see patterns, take ownership and be well more equipped to drive the boat. It's actually pretty darn cool. Scary, but cool. No one likes to write down 3 tablespoons of nutella. I didn't want to but it's not like Marisa judges what I eat she just wants me to write it down and know I am checking in. Your journal is for you no matter who reads it. Marisa my nutritionist reads mine but to say what up with the constant snacking, or the lovely advice of eat more based on how you are exercising. I can not hear enough I need to eat more.

5. In order to maintain a healthy weight you need to devise a support system, and a way to manage every day stress. Food can not be your outlet. This is a hard and scary process. It's always been where you went. I started to recognize there was healthy and unhealthy me and I had to start listening to healthy me more in moments of stress. Junk food will not and never has solved my problems. It just created a new one. My support system has evolved in this process, I have Marisa who is the main source of guidance and support, my trainer who kicks my bum, and I hugely believe in acupuncture. Kymberly Kelly is one of the coolest most talented ladies and she helped boost my weight loss and calm my anxiety. Invaluable. My friends and family are very helpful but it's a tricky area there is only so much I can and will discuss with them. I am not open to advice as weird as that sounds because my place to discuss this is Marisa and the two other ladies listed. I share with some close friends but for the most part I have closed a huge chunk of the conversation because I have finally learned weight is a personal and private issue.

6. Know thy triggers, they are sneaky, ever changing, and insidious. On occasion they are worth it, for me nine times out of ten they are not. Peanut butter Reese's I am talking to you.

7. It's a long road to change your life not a diet so be patient with yourself and the process you can and will get there. I am 6 months out from my goal and that will put me at 2 years worth of work that has flown by and for the most part been really cool and fun. Some very hard dark challenging moments yes, but thanks to the support system manageable.

8. There will be bad days and weeks where you just do not have it. These are not cause for panic. Last week my exercise game was totally off. I did what I could adjusted my eating accordingly and still loss 1.5 pounds which was pretty cool. Not a reason to keep eating ice cream sandwiches this week but a relief to see I can exercise two less days and the world does not end.

9. Start trusting yourself, you can make decisions and reconnect with your body and know what is best for it. It just takes time. There is no better authority or expert on you then you.

10. Resolve never to diet again. It is hard behavior to lose, but the freedom that comes with shucking this line of thinking is indescribable. I highly recommend it. After dieting for 23 years I will have an occasional slip up after learning new behaviors for a year and a half. Pretty good figures really when you think about it. The mind can be reprogrammed and if you want to think about yourself, body and eating habits in a more positive light your brain is happy to do so. Diets make you feel like a failure, do not work, are not sustainable, they do not address any emotional component of weight gain or loss, and are generally crap. They are not based in just good old fashioned nutrition. I eat dark chocolate almost every day or night and have lost a ton of weight most diets would say to chuck the chocolate. Proof right there that it's crazy talk. Life without chocolate is sad.

Old Friends New Habits

I have been lucky for the most part. My friends have been super supportive of the changes I have made. They have listened, supported, comforted, lifted me up when I needed it and flagged my crazy when I was desperately in need of that to. I had an experience recently that wasn't awful but left me unsettled. I saw an old friend, one of my oldest actually, who has gained a lot of weight. How much I do not know, but enough to be more then a blip on the radar and more a Houston we have a problem. I can be honest enough to admit a few years ago this probably would have not pleased me but made me feel less alone. Now it does not affect me really except for she had not seen me in a quite and while and I am easily the thinnest I have been in 15 years, and we've been friends for 18. This was not easy for her. There was some passive aggressive behavior, a comment or two, and me being left feeling confused, unsettled, and then well it's her problem not mine. The one positive about when these things happen is I am left with a lesson and more tools to deal with what lies before me. Women are competitive by nature. This is not a new idea, but most of my girlfriends are not. I have one or two, but that's their thing not mine. This friend happens to be competitive and I wonder if my weight loss bothered her more on that level then it did on a weight loss one. Who knows. I could muse about this forever, but what I come back to time and time again is I am doing this for me. Not to upset others, threaten them, for them any of that. For the first time in my life I am getting healthy because I want to and believe at this point in my life it is what I need to be doing for myself. It's a cool thing because besides helping me be more successful it keeps me grounded.