Sunday, August 8, 2010

I do not care for the word big

I do not like the word big, unless it is followed by cupcake or cookie. My I suppose I will be charitable and assume well meaning brother used this in regards to me. I was telling my brother that dipping my toes into dating again was bringing some of my fears back to the surface and that while I am curvy dating makes me feel fat. He says...well you are a big woman. Excuse me? I thought I might have just heard you refer to me as big. I would rather hear fat then big. I have no idea why. I think it's because there is no subtlety to big, an absence of femininity it's like your a lady blob or something. I am a tallish girl, 5'8" and I am already sensitive to this. I will not ever be all that small. I have stayed in my head a lot this week mulling all this over. What was it about an offhand remark that made me have such a whiplash reaction? Is it being sensitive to the word? Unfortunately I think the truth is I have made great leaps and strides in accepting my body and growing to quite like it but we are still in very new territory for me and I still have a lot of work to do, my default inclination is to turn against myself and highlight flaws instead of embracing them. Dating is weird and awkward this we know but what I have to examine is what is harder to deal with, someone rejecting me for my weight or for who I am? I have worked a lot on who I am and redefining this, and it's scary to think that age old loophole of it's my weight isn't really there anymore. I also have to truly start to see and believe that I offer far more then my appearance and weight. I think as good as I feel about myself I do have my own reservations and I project this on to men. I do not know why, I do not know why I identify so strongly with my weight, but I do know now I have some new things to keep working on. Marisa will tell me you have to stop x,y and z, and what I am finally realizing is yes she is right and I do understand that I have to take weight off the table for discussion, or see I offer more then my appearance, but I think the first step is resolving to actually do this rather then saying I do not know how. There have been lots of things I did not know how to do when I started seeing Marisa, but when I was honest and said intellectually I understand what you are saying but I stumble here, or hit a wall there we were able to break it down and work through it. This is just another wall.

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