Basketball & I

I am not sure I have ever talked about this before, but I love basketball. Love it. I am a huge fan of the Knicks. I try to make it to games as often as I can. Luckily I have a friend who is a ticket broker so I can make this happen. You may or may not have heard of Jeremy Lin. Last week he had a pretty major week in the press and on the court. He's unbelievable. I got to see this Friday night.

The energy at Madison Square Garden was amazing. People were so excited to see Lin play. The guy we've all been hearing about. I love a good underdog story and sports loves it to. This is a Harvard Grad who literally did not give up until he made it off the practice team and into the starting line up. He's made it and he's playing a huge roll in the Knicks winning streak. I went to the game Friday night with one of my guy friends and it was interesting when we were discussing athletes. We came at from such different perspectives. I think part of what fascinates me about athletes is how they have to trust their body. They have a level of trust I can just barely fathom. I would never be able to rely on my body for how I earn a living. They trust theirs implicitly.

I was thinking about this and how often I think my body betrays me. When I feel like I am getting sick it's because my body has turned on me, not because it's cold and flu season. My knee was a little wonky the other day and I was annoyed with it, not thinking about the dance party I had partaken in wearing heels. It's always my body's fault and not my unrealistic standards for it. I try not to ask myself to be perfect. I accept that my body will never look perfect because well what is that, but why do I expect it to act perfect? I mean I am far from a clean living my body is a temple kind of lady so why would I expect my body to not be tired, to not have aches and pains, or to not succumb to illness?

The closest thing I have to an answer is become for the most part my body does right by me and I take that for granted. It's let me be well over 300 pounds and not have health issues, it's let me lose a good portion of that weight without complications, it's healed quickly from surgeries, it got me through cancer, it has very much done right by me. I have few chronic health issues, and the only ones I do have are allergies and anemia and these hardly impact my life and are easily dealt with. I am very lucky. I hugely take this for granted and should maybe just maybe say thank you every once and a while.

Sorry I'm not Sorry

Among the many other things I struggle with one of them is apologizing. Not the act of apologizing I have that down, but when not to apologize. I say sorry a lot. For the most part I can dig it. I try to be polite and aware of others and think this is a good thing. Somewhere I am not okay with apologizing is dating. I had a bit of an epiphany the other day.

I was out with someone and thinking he's okay, not amazing, and I just felt like I was doing a lot of the work. Conversationally I excel. Not just because I am a chatty Cathy but because I want both parties to feel at ease. I can ask questions, have a few stories up my sleeve, and can play the part. I find I attract people in my life who do not play the part. My mom refers to it as the social contract. We all have different contracts. I come to your party, you go to mine, I ask you out, you invite me somewhere. I think we all have our own definition of this. I am a wherever I am the people in my life are welcome kind of girl, if you're a bit shy I will do my best to draw you out, or respect it and let the conversation lull. Socially I am pretty cool on this front. Dating I am not. I refuse to be the one doing all the work. I realized though I have always apologized. I have not necessarily verbalized it, but internally whenever something was off I immediately turned it on myself. I'm sorry I am more outgoing then this person, or I'm too chatty, or I'm too this or that. For a long time the weight was the big thing. I spent so much time internally apologizing for my weight. I do not really do that anymore, but I do sometimes find myself apologizing for my character traits. Why am I apologizing? Why is it a negative? And where does it stop? It can be a slippery slope. I mean I have found myself apologizing for some really ridiculous things, and I tell you what the other person not impressed, and me a little topped up in self loathing. No es bueno. 

I realized out with this guy the other night I have had it all wrong. I am not a straightforward girl. I am layered, and not perfect but I am pretty great and definitely worth knowing. Most importantly for the right guy I am a catch just like each and every one of us. A beige fella with very little he has any passion or interest in is probably not going to be right for me long term. It's hard to find someone right for you period never mind if you have a preference for someone a little off the beaten path. I say this not as a judgement or I am the shit so bow to me men way. I say this as a I have to quit apologizing for not being right for people or them not being right for me. I am right for me so I have to find someone who is a fit and not just a body. I am a handful, but I am also a good friend, girlfriend, and person so I do not feel like I owe someone a favor for putting up with me anymore.   

The more I appreciate myself and what I bring to the table the more I care about what someone else does as well. I see this in many areas of my life and it has caused shifts and changes in my friendships, working relationships and family. It's not easy to evolve and try to reset things you never did in the first place. It's not easy to redefine what you think you are worth and deserve from people. I still feel like I am following a manual and it is not natural. What makes me feel hopeful and that continuing to dig inside myself to understand why I do the things I do is sitting across from someone and thinking yes you are a nice guy but you are not right for me and I am not going to apologize for that or think it's some way that I fell short. Things do not always have to be good or bad thing sometimes it's just a thing that you have to shrug your shoulders at and move on. What I found makes this easier and me more resolved to keep doing it is I really like my life and myself so I rarely feel like I lost something. I feel like okay back to what I do like. Next. 

I have no words, just tears of laughter

I Should be Anti But I'm Not

You can not read anything about music these days without Lana Del Rey being discussed. Love her, hate her I don't care. I find her a little mesmerizing. I do not care if she did not come to this earth with those lips. I do not care if she affected a stage name. I wanna live in this video and not just because of her flowered headdress.

Squeaking By

In my efforts to stay honest and accountable I am going to make a confession I totally lucked out today at my weigh in. Marisa the lucky duck has been in Sri Lanka the past two weeks. In the past this has been a danger zone. Having a week off of the scale has not brought out the wisest decision making in me.

I am glad when she was going to be gone for two full weeks I did not lose my ish. I did however have challenging weeks. I ate a lot of peanut butter, enough to ban if from my house at the moment. There was some wine, a cupcake, and some missed work outs. I did not think I would be up but I certainly did not think I would be down. Down I was though.

I will take it, and I did learn from it. I am eating pretty intuitively these days. Some days this intuition is not so wise or worth listening to, but most days it's pretty spot on. In an effort to fight sickness because a plague has descended on NYC I am sticking to mostly nutritious whole foods. I occasionally have some junk in there and I have a special place in my heart for Russell Stover's holiday chocolates. Seriously, why is the coconut cream so delicious? I am working to define what my normal is. My normal is to make the healthiest decisions I can during the week, and have a delicious meal out 1-2 times per week, and allow for some alcohol consumption twice a week. I am aiming to stick to this and seeing what happens. It seems to be working for me so why over think it? For now it's working. I will reassess when it does not.

Listen Repeat Listen Repeat

When I like a new song I listen to it a lot. A lot. I am really happy about ipods and my compulsive repeating being my secret. I don't just like this song because it features Kimbra. That was a bonus. The video is gorgeous, Gotye's voice swoon worthy, and Kimbra yay!

What I'm Loving

I am a pretty happy girl lately. Things are far from perfect, but I am choosing to be happy. Below are the things that have been up'ing the happy.


1. I am LOVING the work I have been doing. It's a challenge, complex, kicking me bum, and totally awesome. The people I am working with are a delight, smart, engaged, and just unbelievable to work with. I took a risk and pulled visual reference to contribute to creative. I was a little bit nervous to do this. I was brought in to produce, work between four groups and coordinate everything for an event for roughly 450 plus people. Did I mention they have never done a live event before? Just a smidge of pressure, but I digress. One of our designers is in tough spot so to facilitate the conversation I decided to pull some reference. Pulling visual reference to help put words to ideas is my porn. I was hugely relieved when I sent it off it was well received. I came across the below which delighted me.

My paper cut obsession grows. I love Rob Ryan. 

Indeed, you can find it here on etsy.

2. I get to work with my friend Beth, known as Beazy to me. We get coffee together most days. If I am in a meeting during coffee time she gets me one. I think she might be the one.

3. My friend Nisa and I got mani pedis and I can not stop staring at my nails like gems.

Essie chinchilly with their luxe effects pink glitter on top. 

awkward thumb close up.

4. This sweet face when I come home and when she participates in yoga. My yoga practice includes getting a kiss when I go from plank to cobra.

5.  I rediscovered this tank shopping in my closet. Love when that happens and dug this outfit. 

6. I did measurements with Egon today and I've lost 8 inches. The most happiness inducing part was I lost three inches from my thighs and hips. I was beyond thrilled I lost 6 inches from the bits that bother me most.

7. These hot dogs.

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8. These shoes, but sadly they kill my feet. I don't think I can do it so I am giving them to a friend. 

9. A friend of mine who gives good text. He tells me to chillax. I never expect a chillax, makes me laugh every single time. 

10.  I had THE best dinner with my mom before she heads off to India for a month. She made me roasted Brussel sprouts even though she does not like them. So sweet. We had a lovely dinner and I really enjoyed her company.