Thursday, August 14, 2014

Well Damn

I mentioned I was seeing someone. I mentioned he's divorced. Dear lord....can a girl just get a break from some baggage? He's a great guy but he has all the feels and all the e-mo-shuns. He was away on vacation and had been a lovely gem, he returns and is less then 5 miles away from me and he's Eeyore.
Nope not cool. I had noticed a shift prior to him leaving but thought, eh he's burned out needs a vacation, I'm not going to worry too much about it. When he returned I realized now I have to worry about it.

I had given him the head's up I wanted to talk about some stuff. That alone made me feel a million times better, but last night we finally had the sit down. When he met me at the restaurant he kissed me on the cheek. Oof. We sat down, made some awkward conversation and finally he broached things. We ended up having a really good talk. I mean not so good in the fact that he's not sure he can do this. He thought he was further along in processing his divorce but seeing me has brought a lot of things up for him.

Some of this was hard to hear, some of it I knew, some of it was surprising, but I didn't really get upset. It was probably one of the most honest conversations I have ever had with someone I am/was dating. I was completely honest with him saying I can deal with his heavy but I need him to communicate with me and to either be in or out. I said I can't do the dancing around everything not being okay.

Timing is the worst. He said you're the best thing that's happened to me in the past year. You make me incredibly happy but I don't know if I can do the work I need to do and be with you. I get that and I've sort of worried about it since this all kicked off. While it's a bummer I feel a sense of calm because I did everything I could do, not in the sense of compromising myself like I may have done in the past. Being whatever he wanted me to be, or trying to make him happy. I clearly laid out what my boundaries were, and what I needed.

We left it at he was going to take some time to think. Who knows if his point will change. I think I did make him rethink some of it because he's been in his head. We also had a petite make out when we parted, take that cheek kiss, but I have absolutely no control in the situation. I am strangely okay with that. It will be what it's supposed to be.

This morning I got up and made myself put on a cute outfit and put a little more effort into my make up because I took care of myself last night, I should take care of myself today. Striving to be authentic can suck and means you may not get what you "want" but it does mean you get what you need which ultimately feels a bajillion times better. I'll remind myself of that tonight when I'm tempted to drink all the wine.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

About That...

I never mean to stay away for so long. It just happens. For the most part my life is pretty much the same. At the same job, doing the same things, just sweating more. However there is a notable difference. I met somebody, and he's pretty great.

He's another reason for me to thank the interwebz for what it continues to bring into my life. When he and I first started seeing each other I joked with my friends that he was a Dreamboat, and essentially that's what his nickname has stayed. Seeing as I am in my thirties, yes last week I turned 34 but lets ignore that shall we? Gross. 34 is undeniably adult. Anywayz....he's pretty great and I haven't really ever dated anyone like him. All that stuff people tell you about how meeting someone should be it kinda has been. He does what he says, his actions match his words and the stuff that's important to me and I value he seems to as well.

At first it was literally dreamy. He was kinda perfect. Not that he isn't dreamy anymore but reality does creep in. He's divorced and sometimes I feel like I am dating him and his divorce which kinda sucks but everyone has baggage I suppose. For right now I can deal and I am totally cool with how we're pacing things if that changes I'll reassess. All I can do right? He's not ready for a serious relationship and it's tough to block out my friends voices saying that means he doesn't want one with me. I don't think that is the case. I think he is genuinely afraid to dive back in, and truthfully I don't blame him. I also have my own concerns. I definitely really like him, but where he's at trying to fix himself post divorce do I want to sign up for that? I don't have answers yet so no point in running away in the meantime.

We went away together 2 weeks ago and managed to spend 3 nights together in a cabin without any disasters. It was really fun and insightful starting to learn that stuff. When he's relaxed and sleepy he seems distant. He's actually content. I'm learning where my own stuff creeps into the picture. He was supposed to go away with me last weekend but we bailed out of that because he was having a bit of a freak out. It felt good for me to lay down some boundaries and to also be really clear on this is his ish and it's not a reflection of me, my worth or how he feels about me. Progress!

Who knows what will happen or if we'll continue bobbing along but I hope so. Outlook, cautiously optimistic.

How's everyone else doing? Summer's been dreamy?

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Keep Calm and Rebrand

Lately life has felt a little like trying to dig myself out of an avalanche. Work has been beyond insane. 
The network is rebranding and while it's been an amazing experience. It's not one I want to relive again anytime soon. In the midst of all this though...I met someone. 

First up there was Hedgie, he was a guy who approached me at a party we got to talking he tried to get me to come home and make out with him. I politely refused but said good try and then we swapped numbers. He kept it pretty smooth, called me, texted me, set up plans for the following weekend. I saw him on a Saturday and went over to his apartment to hang out. I walked through the door and he shoved me against the wall and kissed me. I was a bit shocked but it wasn't unwelcome. He then said sorry I've been thinking about doing that all week. Mmmkay. I heard from him Sunday and then after that not a peep. Oh these hot and heavy fellas. I knew he wasn't anything serious or going to be someone I dated. He managed a hedge fund and while he said he wasn't one of those finance guys, I mean if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck. I hardly think the finance guy debate is something exclusive to NY but they just don't tend to be my kinda guy. I find them often a remote and aloof, and having big egos. Not really my thing. 

Despite Hedgie being a no go, I really didn't care. It was definitely fun and made me see how much I did miss dating and actual viable romantic options. I was not flattened by the rejection, and felt very clear on the fact that it was something to do with him not me. That being said to distract myself I made my way back over to the interwebz. A guy messaged me and he's 4 years younger, and pretty good looking at first I was like um no, this is clearly a mistake. I messaged him back we started going back and forth, swapped numbers and I kinda left it at that. Thought well huh, he's actually pretty cool we'll see. A few days later I was back on the interwebz and he messaged me so I took a chance and texted back saying are you flirting with me online when you could text me? We texted from 9:30pm until 4:30am because clearly I am 15. Things just kind of took off from there, a lot of texting which I was a little nervous about. Texting does not equal a relationship and I've made the mistake of liking someone's digital personality more then there actual one before. That is a bummer let me tell you. As the time creeps by though I start to actually have a crush. Then we met, then we continued the texting, then we hung out again, and then he pulled away a bit. 

Staying grounded is so tricky isn't it? It's not normal to be in constant contact all day. That is not real life, but it sure does provide a high. I saw him Saturday, didn't hear from Sunday, and then didn't hear from him Monday until I texted. I was losing my mind, and writing him off, and this is all crazy. Monday night he checked in, said he had an awful day, and I was like sigh all is right in the world. Tuesday, I shook myself and was like GET A GRIP WOMAN. He's not the first dude you've liked he won't be the last. Maybe he's really busy at work and it's not going well, maybe he's doing a slow fade, who knows but you'll be okay. I was going to initiate plans for Friday but instead I made them with another friend. I mean what kind of message does you can ramp it down and get plans? Not a good one, and not one I want to send. I'm way more work then that. I'm going to practice what I preach, I know I'm enough so I am not going to convince him that I am. I'm going to sit on my hands and do nothing, he'll either wander back or he won't in the meantime I have a network to re-launch. 

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

And Now a Note from the Universe

No bigs but I have an in with the Universe. Yes, the Universe. Actually my friend gets these Notes From the Universe and occasionally she would forward them to me, like a horoscope. Can you believe how spot on this is, or hmph maybe I do need to think about this. Anyway, I had been meaning to sign up for a million years. Never did. I did last week. It's pretty cool, you set some intentions and they send you an email every day if you select that option. I'm not big on affirmations. In fact I loathe them. They're just super trite to me, but I do believe that thoughts become actions and your words and inner dialogue have a huge amount of power.

I have been treated to two this week that gave me pause, and stumbled upon another quote courtesy of tumblr I loved.

For the record The Universe is a bit cheeky:

Anna, it's one kind of victory to slay a beast, move a mountain, and cross a chasm, but it's another kind altogether to realize that the beast, the mountain, and the chasm were of your own design. 

Hubba, hubba -     The Universe

Anna, avoid gray areas. There, the illusion of safety is guarded by the lies of "maybe," "sometime," and "I don't know." There is a truth. There is a way. Life is absolute, and its principles exacting. If you put it out "there," it has to come back. Ask, and it must be revealed. Think, speak, and move with your desires, and nothing will ever be the same. 

Tallyho,    The Universe

Tumblr Quote:

"We can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love." - Lori Deschene 

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Oh Hey There

Wow I've been away for a while haven't I? It's one of those things where the more time that went by the easier it was not to do.

Life's been good and just cruising along. I went to Australia, and Paris, I've been interviewing for another job. I had a brief weird guy moment. I've been learning. Always learning. What I've been learning is that the changes we make are often not these huge things they are these shifts. They're these tiny little things that start to add up and can probably only be appreciated by you. Not the sexiest thing but so worth marveling. 

I see it in these weird places with my mom it's having the patience to say I don't define or subscribe to the same beauty ideals as you. In a job interview asking why am I here? For the record I did not think I was right for the company but then learned I am. For the dude it's realizing he doesn't like himself and therefore can't like me. What all of this has in common is a subtle shift of not thinking it's about me, a reflection of me or my worth. It's also not being afraid to take care of myself and state what I need.

As for the weightloss I've been killing it at the gym and eating wise I've been doing well. I'm again learning things. Maybe some days I don't automatically need to have a snack because it's snack time. It's the little things. I've been doing the little things and learning their value. 

Overall I'm good, rattling around in my head. Missing you all and ready for spring. Catch me up loves, what's new? What's the best? The worst? The worst to me is snow predicted for tonight. 

Tuesday, January 14, 2014


I've debated in my head whether or not to go into this but I figure I generally share snippets of my life and struggles here so this shouldn't be any different. For the past few months I have been feeling different. I couldn't really put my finger on it. I kept putting it down to being sick, or my job being stressful, being tired, this that and the other. Then I realized I might be depressed. 

Depression is a weird thing. I have definitely had moments of it, but it's usually very brief for me and it's taken care of itself. What I actually began to explore though is have I always had these ups and downs and covered them up? Have I used food, pot, putting on a happy face in the past? This is very possible. What's been sort of freeing and weird is I am not sad, or anything I am just really flat. I usually feel capable of being a 10, bright, interesting, funny, blah, blah blah, but lately I feel like I hover at a 7. What's been cool is I don't feel apologetic about it. I don't feel like I have to be a certain way, but it is annoying. It was really brought home to me when I went to Australia. I was like this is so cool, but I just did not feel like I was reacting with my usual levels of enthusiasm. I constantly feel like there's a wall between me and other things. I also just feel this sense of apathy. Kitchen's a mess, meh who cares, haven't mailed that form in, whatever that's what tomorrow is for, this is not good. 

I snapped to and went to see a psychiatrist, who works with eating disorder patients. He was really cool and SUPER interesting. He's like this is extremely common, food is a form of self medication, and you do probably have a depressive disorder. Okay cool, now what? He put me on a mild dose of wellbutrin, and explained it helps boost the levels of dopamine in my brain by getting my brain to produce more. Well that sounds great lets begin! I do feel a bit better a week later, but really sure this is a placebo affect at play. What was really interesting is what he explained to me about sugar and dopamine and carbs and serotonin how certain food cravings can suggest what chemicals your brain could be having a hard time producing. He also explained while he can't eliminate my predisposition to addiction he can help reduce it and make it easier for me to stay in control of it. Yes please. I HIGHLY suggest everyone watches this Ted video about how sugar affects the brain. I mean I highly doubt I will ever not want to eat all the sweet things, but it would be nice to be able to have a cookie. A cookie. Not all the cookies. 

I'm not big on not dealing with things so that's why I sought out some help and answers. The biggest thing that motivated me though was I've done a lot on my own, and gotten some amazing results. What if I could keep doing the same things with some help, if the flatness and fogginess could be decreased, if I could not be wasting my energy just trying to keep up, but I could be moving forward. 
A side effect of wellbutrin can be weight loss, and I would 100% be lying if I said that didn't appeal to me, but more then anything feeling like myself would ultimately be the best thing. 

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Food Glorious Food

A friend of mine is in London and he texted me he was doing his best Oliver Twist impression which then of course got the song " Food Glorious Food" stuck in my head. Good times. Food though has been all around and a hot topic lately. It's the holidays so snacks, treats, and baked goods are going to suddenly be everywhere. Truth be told I haven't found it too bad. I have been switching my focus in terms of food.

I went to a reading of Lucky Peach last week, holy awesome! This is Chef David Chang's magazine, and he and his editor in chief Peter Meehan were there, along with BD Wong moderating, Mario Batali reading, David Cross, and others. It was really, really, great. Everyone read so well, and the stories were so interesting and being able to unapologetically surround yourself with essentially food erotica was cool. It did occur to me how a few years ago I wouldn't have done that because, 1. it would have been triggering, and 2. I did the classic deny how much you like food because I am overweight deflection technique. I felt very grateful for the moves my relationship with food has taken that night.

I've been scaling back the gluten big time. I'm not jumping on the gluten free bandwagon, or doing it to lose weight. I'm doing it because when I eat a lot of wheat, I end up looking 5 months pregnant and having crazy gas pains. Gas pains, seksi I know. I feel a lot better and don't look pregnant with wheat child after 3 weeks of wheat scale back. I also got a coupon code to this organic meal delivery I've been doing and it's gluten free and vegan. I didn't actually know about the vegan part (read more closely anna) and for the most part it's been awesome. The breakfasts make me LOSE MY MIND, they are so delicious and different. Chia and quinoa coconut and mango bake anyone? Yes, please. The lunches are good, I have learned I need to supplement them with something in order to really be full. At first I tried out testing my hunger to see if I was truly hungry or was I just thinking I was hungry because this isn't what I usually eat. Nope, I am/was hungry. Now I throw in a soup, or some grilled chicken, to beef (hehee) up my meals.

Now in weight news I've been challenging myself to reframe things. I'd been challenged lately with lots of negative thoughts. Lots of I'm so fat, I look so fat in this, she's so thin, blah blah blah. I am so over this dialogue I could scream. So I challenged myself to both shoot down the thoughts, and reframe them, I look so fat in this becomes I'm not comfortable in this outfit, she's so thin, becomes she looks healthy and happy and that does not take away from me. I cannot tell you how helpful this has been. I also made myself think about what does the weight thought do for me? It must serve me somehow to still be around. It distracts me from my life. In removing some of the weight chatter I have been able to focus on some other things, namely my trip to Australia in NINE days and my career. I need a career refresh and I found someone to help me revamp my resume. It's been challenging and exciting working with him.

Am I the only one who feels like 2013 has been sorta a throw away year? Aside from my Australian adventure what a snooze. I've had a lot of fun but ultimately feel like I coasted. Coasting can be helpful sometimes you just need to coast in order to maintain, but I feel like 2014 I'm ready to climb again. We'll see. One day at a time, one less gluten filled treat at a time, and if you like me forgot how delicious White Russians are reacquaint yourself and stay cozy for 2014's arrival.