Wednesday, April 2, 2014

And Now a Note from the Universe

No bigs but I have an in with the Universe. Yes, the Universe. Actually my friend gets these Notes From the Universe and occasionally she would forward them to me, like a horoscope. Can you believe how spot on this is, or hmph maybe I do need to think about this. Anyway, I had been meaning to sign up for a million years. Never did. I did last week. It's pretty cool, you set some intentions and they send you an email every day if you select that option. I'm not big on affirmations. In fact I loathe them. They're just super trite to me, but I do believe that thoughts become actions and your words and inner dialogue have a huge amount of power.

I have been treated to two this week that gave me pause, and stumbled upon another quote courtesy of tumblr I loved.

For the record The Universe is a bit cheeky:

Anna, it's one kind of victory to slay a beast, move a mountain, and cross a chasm, but it's another kind altogether to realize that the beast, the mountain, and the chasm were of your own design. 

Hubba, hubba -     The Universe

Anna, avoid gray areas. There, the illusion of safety is guarded by the lies of "maybe," "sometime," and "I don't know." There is a truth. There is a way. Life is absolute, and its principles exacting. If you put it out "there," it has to come back. Ask, and it must be revealed. Think, speak, and move with your desires, and nothing will ever be the same. 

Tallyho,    The Universe

Tumblr Quote:

"We can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love." - Lori Deschene 

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Oh Hey There

Wow I've been away for a while haven't I? It's one of those things where the more time that went by the easier it was not to do.

Life's been good and just cruising along. I went to Australia, and Paris, I've been interviewing for another job. I had a brief weird guy moment. I've been learning. Always learning. What I've been learning is that the changes we make are often not these huge things they are these shifts. They're these tiny little things that start to add up and can probably only be appreciated by you. Not the sexiest thing but so worth marveling. 

I see it in these weird places with my mom it's having the patience to say I don't define or subscribe to the same beauty ideals as you. In a job interview asking why am I here? For the record I did not think I was right for the company but then learned I am. For the dude it's realizing he doesn't like himself and therefore can't like me. What all of this has in common is a subtle shift of not thinking it's about me, a reflection of me or my worth. It's also not being afraid to take care of myself and state what I need.

As for the weightloss I've been killing it at the gym and eating wise I've been doing well. I'm again learning things. Maybe some days I don't automatically need to have a snack because it's snack time. It's the little things. I've been doing the little things and learning their value. 

Overall I'm good, rattling around in my head. Missing you all and ready for spring. Catch me up loves, what's new? What's the best? The worst? The worst to me is snow predicted for tonight. 

Tuesday, January 14, 2014


I've debated in my head whether or not to go into this but I figure I generally share snippets of my life and struggles here so this shouldn't be any different. For the past few months I have been feeling different. I couldn't really put my finger on it. I kept putting it down to being sick, or my job being stressful, being tired, this that and the other. Then I realized I might be depressed. 

Depression is a weird thing. I have definitely had moments of it, but it's usually very brief for me and it's taken care of itself. What I actually began to explore though is have I always had these ups and downs and covered them up? Have I used food, pot, putting on a happy face in the past? This is very possible. What's been sort of freeing and weird is I am not sad, or anything I am just really flat. I usually feel capable of being a 10, bright, interesting, funny, blah, blah blah, but lately I feel like I hover at a 7. What's been cool is I don't feel apologetic about it. I don't feel like I have to be a certain way, but it is annoying. It was really brought home to me when I went to Australia. I was like this is so cool, but I just did not feel like I was reacting with my usual levels of enthusiasm. I constantly feel like there's a wall between me and other things. I also just feel this sense of apathy. Kitchen's a mess, meh who cares, haven't mailed that form in, whatever that's what tomorrow is for, this is not good. 

I snapped to and went to see a psychiatrist, who works with eating disorder patients. He was really cool and SUPER interesting. He's like this is extremely common, food is a form of self medication, and you do probably have a depressive disorder. Okay cool, now what? He put me on a mild dose of wellbutrin, and explained it helps boost the levels of dopamine in my brain by getting my brain to produce more. Well that sounds great lets begin! I do feel a bit better a week later, but really sure this is a placebo affect at play. What was really interesting is what he explained to me about sugar and dopamine and carbs and serotonin how certain food cravings can suggest what chemicals your brain could be having a hard time producing. He also explained while he can't eliminate my predisposition to addiction he can help reduce it and make it easier for me to stay in control of it. Yes please. I HIGHLY suggest everyone watches this Ted video about how sugar affects the brain. I mean I highly doubt I will ever not want to eat all the sweet things, but it would be nice to be able to have a cookie. A cookie. Not all the cookies. 

I'm not big on not dealing with things so that's why I sought out some help and answers. The biggest thing that motivated me though was I've done a lot on my own, and gotten some amazing results. What if I could keep doing the same things with some help, if the flatness and fogginess could be decreased, if I could not be wasting my energy just trying to keep up, but I could be moving forward. 
A side effect of wellbutrin can be weight loss, and I would 100% be lying if I said that didn't appeal to me, but more then anything feeling like myself would ultimately be the best thing. 

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Food Glorious Food

A friend of mine is in London and he texted me he was doing his best Oliver Twist impression which then of course got the song " Food Glorious Food" stuck in my head. Good times. Food though has been all around and a hot topic lately. It's the holidays so snacks, treats, and baked goods are going to suddenly be everywhere. Truth be told I haven't found it too bad. I have been switching my focus in terms of food.

I went to a reading of Lucky Peach last week, holy awesome! This is Chef David Chang's magazine, and he and his editor in chief Peter Meehan were there, along with BD Wong moderating, Mario Batali reading, David Cross, and others. It was really, really, great. Everyone read so well, and the stories were so interesting and being able to unapologetically surround yourself with essentially food erotica was cool. It did occur to me how a few years ago I wouldn't have done that because, 1. it would have been triggering, and 2. I did the classic deny how much you like food because I am overweight deflection technique. I felt very grateful for the moves my relationship with food has taken that night.

I've been scaling back the gluten big time. I'm not jumping on the gluten free bandwagon, or doing it to lose weight. I'm doing it because when I eat a lot of wheat, I end up looking 5 months pregnant and having crazy gas pains. Gas pains, seksi I know. I feel a lot better and don't look pregnant with wheat child after 3 weeks of wheat scale back. I also got a coupon code to this organic meal delivery I've been doing and it's gluten free and vegan. I didn't actually know about the vegan part (read more closely anna) and for the most part it's been awesome. The breakfasts make me LOSE MY MIND, they are so delicious and different. Chia and quinoa coconut and mango bake anyone? Yes, please. The lunches are good, I have learned I need to supplement them with something in order to really be full. At first I tried out testing my hunger to see if I was truly hungry or was I just thinking I was hungry because this isn't what I usually eat. Nope, I am/was hungry. Now I throw in a soup, or some grilled chicken, to beef (hehee) up my meals.

Now in weight news I've been challenging myself to reframe things. I'd been challenged lately with lots of negative thoughts. Lots of I'm so fat, I look so fat in this, she's so thin, blah blah blah. I am so over this dialogue I could scream. So I challenged myself to both shoot down the thoughts, and reframe them, I look so fat in this becomes I'm not comfortable in this outfit, she's so thin, becomes she looks healthy and happy and that does not take away from me. I cannot tell you how helpful this has been. I also made myself think about what does the weight thought do for me? It must serve me somehow to still be around. It distracts me from my life. In removing some of the weight chatter I have been able to focus on some other things, namely my trip to Australia in NINE days and my career. I need a career refresh and I found someone to help me revamp my resume. It's been challenging and exciting working with him.

Am I the only one who feels like 2013 has been sorta a throw away year? Aside from my Australian adventure what a snooze. I've had a lot of fun but ultimately feel like I coasted. Coasting can be helpful sometimes you just need to coast in order to maintain, but I feel like 2014 I'm ready to climb again. We'll see. One day at a time, one less gluten filled treat at a time, and if you like me forgot how delicious White Russians are reacquaint yourself and stay cozy for 2014's arrival.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Swing This Way Swing That Way

The last two weeks have had some up's and down's. The problems were mostly in my head which sucks. The good thing is talking about it, reaching out to the peeps around me, and challenging my thoughts has been working.

So what was going on, I just felt super negative. I felt very body dysmorphic feeling "enormous" and "fat" and it happened swiftly and overnight. I was majorly comparing myself to other people, very jealous of anyone thinner then me, or achieving their own goals. This came on really quickly and out of nowhere. 

I brought it up with my nutritionist and she gave me a really helpful and calming explanation. She explained, because I'm under stress at work, and in my personal life, I have a lot of emotions surfacing, which I am managing in a healthy way but when we're emotional we can feel burdened and heavy, this in turn for someone with a history of disordered eating can make them feel physically heavy and body dysmorphic. A ha! There was a lot of truth in this for me. It also helped me when I felt clouded by negative thoughts to decipher what was real and what was not and how to address either. 

Another thing I did that was super helpful was increased my self care. I've been taking these detox baths because my skin was freaking out because of winter creeping in. HUGELY suggest it. 1 cup epsom salts or dead sea minerals, 1 cup baking soda, essential oils if you want, and fresh ginger if you can be bothered. I cannot. Soak in that for 15 minutes, I follow up with AmLactin lotion to help keep the flaky skin away. Do not use this on legs you have just shaved unless you want to contemplate dying. My skin feels pretty dreamy with this combo and my mood's improved. Epsom salts I found out are also mood improving so there's that to.

To try to keep swaying things back to the healthy side and less the self loathe-y I concentrated on staying on top of my self care, not comparing myself to others, and boosting my cardio as I've been in a rut and bored. I do feel a lot better. Far calmer, and more grounded. Feeling present is a day to day thing, and that's cool. For me the only way to be balanced is not fight and accept that I swing between extremes. I feel awesome, or I feel awful. When I swing one way or another I have to go what's up and then I can meet in the middle. Self acceptance for the win! And epsom salts, definitely epsom salts win.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

So much living too little sleeping

Straight up I am just not sure what to talk about lately. I have all these things I want to write about and then I get overwhelmed and tired.  Life's been busy. Great busy, but I'm tired. Kinda the story of life right? What have I been doing, well why I would tell you when I can do a list!
I L-O-V-E a list.

1. I booked a trip to Australia! Biggest news in my life for realz right now. I'm only going for a week which peeps keep giving me flack for but whatever, I AM GOING TO AUSTRALIA which I yell like a kid with poor voice modulation at least once a day.

2. Okay, I caved and like I predicted have lost my life to Breaking Bad. In two weeks I am up to Season 5. I feel like I am finally part of the club.

3. Sweet potato ice cream with marshmallows. It's amazing and horrible this exists. I want it all the time. GET INTO MY FACE.

4. Basketball is back and in an attempt to better self regulate and self care I am only attending one game a week. Season opener I got home at 4am. This is going to be tricky.

5. Struggling with body image lately. For no reason at all I just feel really self conscious and big. Staying positive minded is tough and a day to day thing I try to remind myself.

6. Reading The Interestings, highly suggest it. So good.

7. Making these, but I generally ditch the bread because I am lazy about buying baguettes.

8. Spending lots and lots and lots of time with my girlfriends lately which has been the bees knees. Aurora and I worked out with Jesse last Saturday, got brunch after and then went shopping. Best Saturday ever. A bunch of us hung out to cheer a friend in the marathon on which was super cool. It was also super cool seeing 46,000 different people running a marathon. No two marathoners were truly a like. Very inspiring.

9. Saying no to things I do not want to do. Not getting the guilts and not being a martyr. Sometimes you just don't want to do something.

10. Trying to figure out how to open myself up more to dudes ( I know, I know this is not new information) and not automatically make guys friends to avoid rejection. I need some risk and rejection in my life.

What's everyone up to? Loving fall? Already in winter? Does everyone love the embellished sweatshirt trend like I do?'s a problem.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Crazy Ideas

I've been losing weight steadily for about 12 weeks now. My weight has either maintained or been down. Some weeks by a few pounds, others by a half, but the direction has been the same. What have I been doing? Well.....I've been listening to the people that I have entrusted to help me. I have been humble and open. Happily this is paying off.

Jesse and I did measurements yesterday and I am down an overall 11.75 inches. Almost a foot has left my body in the past month. Granted, I have been super sick for the past two weeks so I am not totally myself, but while I was happy it did not change how I felt about myself.

This losing streak has not really played into how I value myself. I do hope it continues but some of what I have been doing is the below and for right now, in this lovely little moment it's working for me.

Current Body Plan:

1. Working out because it feels good to move my body, feel strong, and sweat.

2. Eating what I want and not being afraid of food. Reminding myself I can have whatever I want        whenever I want.

3. Not beating myself up or judging behaviors. Accepting my nature and behaviors to better work with     myself and not against.

4. Staying mindful and present for better self care and awareness.

5. Taking care of myself, and thinking about what do I need? What is healthy for me?

The better care of myself I take the less desire I have to manage my life, and feelings whatever you want to label it as with unhealthy behavior with food. It's not always the sexiest of work but it does feel rewarding for hot second.