I mentioned I was seeing someone. I mentioned he's divorced. Dear lord....can a girl just get a break from some baggage? He's a great guy but he has all the feels and all the e-mo-shuns. He was away on vacation and had been a lovely gem, he returns and is less then 5 miles away from me and he's Eeyore.
Nope not cool. I had noticed a shift prior to him leaving but thought, eh he's burned out needs a vacation, I'm not going to worry too much about it. When he returned I realized now I have to worry about it.
I had given him the head's up I wanted to talk about some stuff. That alone made me feel a million times better, but last night we finally had the sit down. When he met me at the restaurant he kissed me on the cheek. Oof. We sat down, made some awkward conversation and finally he broached things. We ended up having a really good talk. I mean not so good in the fact that he's not sure he can do this. He thought he was further along in processing his divorce but seeing me has brought a lot of things up for him.
Some of this was hard to hear, some of it I knew, some of it was surprising, but I didn't really get upset. It was probably one of the most honest conversations I have ever had with someone I am/was dating. I was completely honest with him saying I can deal with his heavy but I need him to communicate with me and to either be in or out. I said I can't do the dancing around everything not being okay.
Timing is the worst. He said you're the best thing that's happened to me in the past year. You make me incredibly happy but I don't know if I can do the work I need to do and be with you. I get that and I've sort of worried about it since this all kicked off. While it's a bummer I feel a sense of calm because I did everything I could do, not in the sense of compromising myself like I may have done in the past. Being whatever he wanted me to be, or trying to make him happy. I clearly laid out what my boundaries were, and what I needed.
We left it at he was going to take some time to think. Who knows if his point will change. I think I did make him rethink some of it because he's been in his head. We also had a petite make out when we parted, take that cheek kiss, but I have absolutely no control in the situation. I am strangely okay with that. It will be what it's supposed to be.
This morning I got up and made myself put on a cute outfit and put a little more effort into my make up because I took care of myself last night, I should take care of myself today. Striving to be authentic can suck and means you may not get what you "want" but it does mean you get what you need which ultimately feels a bajillion times better. I'll remind myself of that tonight when I'm tempted to drink all the wine.