Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Hard Truths

The truth can be rough but the more I embrace it the easier and more comforting it is. I generally subscribe to being truthful, with myself, my friends, family, across the board. Hiding makes me anxious even if it numbs me for a short period of time.

Of course it's tough sometimes to admit things. You like someone you shouldn't, the family stuff is harder then you want it to be, your life isn't totally where you want it to be. Phewww deep breath now doesn't that feel better? A little bit...

Last week in family therapy it was just my brother and I, my mom had class or something. I am starting to grow more comfortable being around him after a year and a half of separation. However, it's still a dicey situation. For extended periods of time he is totally fine, making valid points and then all of a sudden it's like someone threw you into the deep end with no floaties. I don't know which way is up or what I am really supposed to react to. The only thing I have is my truth. The only thing I can do is be patient, kind, and humble. I can do my damnest to really hear him and try to empathize extracting the meaning of what he is saying.

That being said, I believe mental health is a fight. Some fight harder then others, or have a harder fight but we all fight for it. His pain is no worse, or more valuable then mine. It's his. He talks about accountability and responsibility while saying it's my fault he never expressed himself. It's difficult, it's exhausting, but I see someone who has very little sense of self, very little truth and a lot of fear. Finding the balance of where compassion and boundaries are is a difficult week to week balance.

In trying not to lose my own lessons in someone else I thought about how I seek out clarity, truth and directness to a degree that has to be watched. A word that comes up again and again with me is win, I say to my brother I don't know what you want me to do how do I win? I don't think our relationship is a game, but word choice is revealing. This weekend in a weird situation, I thought to myself, hmm not sure what to do next, how do I win?

There is less vulnerability in winning. You stay ahead, safe, controlled, focused, you move forward. For me there is safety, and containment in winning, and managing others. I look sometimes at my family and think what if I didn't contain, or manage myself constantly? Would I be like them? Would I be like my brother, out of control and blaming everyone but himself? My mom, someone who cannot own any actions of her own? I have no idea. That's not entirely true actually. I am not like my mom or brother in many ways. Many good, and some more negative, but I am not like them at the core. It's worth containing less and exploring more to see what happens.

Thursday, March 14, 2013


I want to start this with so many song lyrics it is not even funny, but the question remains the same. Do you believe in magic? I do. What I like most about the idea of magic is, "magic is a union of faith and action." I love the idea of this. My friend Elba has brought a little magic into my life in many a way.

Initially the magic was of a more practical and tactile variety. She took me to her witchy store where I got a candle made. While I took is seriously, I was a lil yeah, lets see what happens. You tell them what's going on in your life what you want and then they make a suggestion and custom carve your candle. It's pretty badass. I told the lady I felt stuck, stuck creatively, stuck in my love life, and stuck a little in the past. She suggested an uncrossing candle which helps clear out the negativity in your life and things holding you back to determine what you want and how to move forward. Sounds good to me, I'll take one please!

It took me a few days to get around to burning my candle. It's important to focus your thoughts, and intentions. They suggest letting it burn straight for 7 days but if you do not want to do that, every time you relight it you need to focus your intentions. At first I felt a little self conscious and foolish which is revealing in itself. A few days later I looked forward to this part of my day where I would focus my thoughts and take a deep breath and light my candle.

Now, did the candle work? I have no idea, but I do know this. My relationship with my brother is showing tiny signs of improvement. We have been speaking, family therapy is not a total shit show. My mother is coming around to accepting he has either borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder. Having words to explain him is helpful and healing.

I have been having crazy vivid dreams that are like little movies each night in my noggin'. It has reignited some of my creativity and brainstorming some potential writing ideas.

As for love...I have taken some risks. Friends and I ended up at the SNL after party and a comedian I know vaguely I approached, and we exchanged numbers. We texted a little and I asked him to a knicks game. He couldn't go because he was performing, but I put it out there.

As I said I believe in magic. I not only believe in it, I might venture to say I live for it. It gives you hope, and keeps a sense of wonderment. We don't know what may or may not happen. My friend Elba who is a more recent friend, gives me some friend magic. She's been a great source of support during my family bs and becoming such a dear and great friend. Her birthday was last weekend, and I thought one magical turn deserves another. Birthday-palooza kicked off with a knicks game on Saturday night. Our knicks plans had changed, because her fiancee had to work and then my friend cancelled, but two of my guy friends were able to join us. One friend I see pretty often, the other not so much. The less frequent is a bebe at 25. Elba's convinced he has a crush on me and she's also pretty insistent that I'm creating a lot more of the friendzone then others. She might be entirely right about this. In fact she is. I very much appreciate her honesty and perspective. I also need to mull over a little more why I do this.

We had too much fun and ended up at Pastis at 2am eating oysters, foie gras, and steak sandwiches, laughing, sharing, and toasting. We need to be friends for about 100 years to fit all the things we plan in. Her actual birthday was Sunday and hoping magic would serve me I made a three layer salted caramel cake frosted with a chocolate ganache. To say I was hurting a little Sunday would be an understatement, but I had a feeling it would work out and it did. My lovely friend Jo met me to help me schlep, cake, trifle, prosecco and other party fixin's to Brooklyn, more magic. Every Sunday should be spent with friends, men that flirt with you, rooftops, sunshine, and singing to someone.

Maybe it isn't magic. Maybe it's doing the work, or opening up, or taking more risks, I don't know. I do know I like it. Feeling more connected to what I want from my life and the people in it is a pretty great feeling.

Glitter & my name ooh la la! 
Jo, dear friend, and trifle protector. 

#3 Kenyon Martin, my future husband. 

I can frost a cake after 2 attempts.