Thursday, May 30, 2013

The Latest in Cardio

I could try to explain how much I love this woman and this video but nope. No words suffice or do it justice. Anyone who will prance their way to health has pranced their way into my heart.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Tech Talk

I am not a terribly techie person. In fact I have fought it tooth and nail. I love the internet and social media but anything that makes it easier not so much. I turn into a befuddled 80 year old. I decided to take the leap though and catch up with everyone else and get an iphone. Oh dear lord how I love it. I did not think I could love anything more then my ipad but I was wrong.

A big reason I got the iphone is I really wanted to get the Nike Fuel Band. I have worn pedometers off and on but find them annoying. If they're on your waist they can pop off and break. That's what happened to my last one. I really like bracelets and that's what the fuel band is essentially. A bracelet, that tracks your steps, fuel points, calories and steps. I LOVE it. It's not perfect, but it's been a nice tool in helping raise my awareness of what my actual daily activity is. It's really easy in NY to think you are SUPER active. We're not really, I mean walking to the subway and then to work isn't exactly a arduous physical task.

I went to California this weekend and Friday when my flight was delayed instead of just hunkering down and reading I walked around the airport to get closer to my fuel points and up my steps. I have been pleasantly surprised by my daily mileage. I pay less attention to the calories because it does not take into consideration your heart rate. Also because the band is on your wrist activities/exercises like weight training, or cycling are not going to get you many points or calories and we know they do both.

What I am also loving about the iphone and the fuel band is that they sync together. I can send Stephanie my nutritionist my end of the day snapshot. I have been SUPER hungry lately and this gives her a little glimpse into my activity to better assess what I might need. It has also been educational for me to see different results and patterns. Some of the days I just kept myself more active to meet my goals 3,000 fuel points and 10,000 steps I burned more calories and covered more distance the days I was like oh I have a workout scheduled I got this. It's made me take public transportation more, take the stairs more often, walk to more places, and be more active at night. I usually make dinner, putter around for a second or two and then flop on the couch, days when I have been 100 points shy of my goal I got up and put away laundry, loaded the dishwasher. Just in general I have found it's help me be more active and productive. For example tonight, I need to get my favorite moisturizer from Trader Joe's I was like might as well walk to the gym tonight pick up the lotion at TJ's and then go work out, it'll help boost your points rather then just waiting until the weekend.

It's been almost two weeks so we'll see how it continues, but I am a 5 year old. I like that the little green man does a dance for me when I get my points. I like being able to see the stats and what I've been up to. It's really satisfying to see that choosing to walk from an appointment to the gym instead of hopping on the subway got me an extra half a mile. I think if you consider yourself active, which I do, and exercise regularly it's very easy to fall into a trap of thinking you do more then you do or less. It's been refreshing to see that with awareness there is not a huge discrepancy in my days with or without a workout.

It's not the cheapest toy and depending on what you might want from a tracking device it might not work for you but I am digging it. My nutritionist was worried it might make me obsessive or dip into some unhealthy behavior but so far I have found it has not. Sunday I laid on a beach in Malibu and while I thought bummer my points streak will be upset by today I certainly did not sweat it. Sometimes you just got to lay on a beach and chill and not keep moving for points.

I have been thinking a lot about dieting and intuitive eating and the differences between the two and how I can modify my own behaviors to move closer to intuitive eating. I read a comment on another blog and someone put it really wisely when they said with intuitive eating the behavior is the reward not the weight loss. This lil band has helped me feel closer to that way of thinking. Even though I like the numbers I see, the rewards have been I am sleeping better because I am more active, and I feel more aware and conscious of my decision making but not from a I will lose weight. 3000 fuel points does not equal a loss on the scale but being more active is healthier for me and my body likes it. It helps me be able to connect more to my body and what it responds to and digs. It occurred to me recently when I walked to the gym instead of rushing how often I rush around just going from one thing to another, constantly thinking about checking things off my list. If I do not live in a mindfully way why would I be able to eat that way? Knowing my activity level has helped me be more mindful. Not what I expected from the tech side of things.

This is Tuesday's activity. 

Would you sweat some fuel band points looking at this?

The band itself. It's like I am a cyborg being tracked and I dig it. 

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Beauty is Not Exclusive

“Beauty as we feel it is something indescribable; what it is or what it means can never be said.”

                                                                              ― George Santayana

I've been swirling around in my head thinking about what defines beauty, fat acceptance and identity.
Not the easiest topics to define or explore. It's strange to me how you can have one over arching opinion yet not be able to apply it to yourself. Where and why does the disconnect happen?

I believe strongly that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. I do not think that thin equals beautiful, I think people can be fat and be beautiful, I think people can have a non-traditional appearance and be absolutely gorgeous. I think beauty is something you react to on an instinctual level and cannot sum up neatly into a preconceived idea or box. I am also pretty sure I am not making this up or faking it. I am a hugely visual person, who tries to pepper my every day with beauty and loves finding it in unlikely places. So when it comes to myself why is it  I cannot help but think in terms of I would be prettier or my appearance would be more valuable if I lost weight. What bums me out here is two things. One that I struggle to separate my own appearance and weight, and two I assign value to it. It's pretty hard not to. It's what been told to me, and what sort of comes at me. If I had a dollar for every time somehow has said to me, but you have such a pretty face I wouldn't be working. If I had a dollar for every time I was told I should lose weight to get a boyfriend, or I would not find a boyfriend overweight I could buy an alpaca farm. These people may not be right, but the message was sent so young to me it's very much instilled in me. Much like I know I have brown hair, eyes that change color, I have to be thin in order to be attractive. Check, check check. When I evaluate myself for a night out, or just a Tuesday morning, it's never just a you look nice, it's a you look nice for what you're working with. There is always this element of the weight being there.

Lately I feel a shift in how I look at others and myself. It's tiny and the shift towards others is a lot bigger then the one towards myself. It feels shocking and rebellious to think that what is directed at us as a standard of beauty is not necessarily true or accurate. Most people if you look hard enough, or they are not total jerks have something beautiful about them. Regardless of that, how you look is not who you are. I think this is way harder to grasp if you are the owner of a vagina. I almost feel like my weight makes me feel less feminine, like I am not holding up my end of the feminine bargain. I should be small waisted, dainty, and able for a man to sweep me up. Any dude who tried would throw his back out, but does that make me any less feminine? I dunno and I really haven't bothered to ask myself. I have just kept the negative and critical rhetoric in my brain on repeat. I think I thought it motivated me and pushed me harder. It doesn't. It keeps me disconnected from myself and constantly chasing who I could be and not who I am.

I was talking to someone recently about some of these things, and fat acceptance. Fat acceptance has been something that truthfully I rolled my eyes at. Part of the reason is because some of the people who voice it get under my skin. I just plain ole don't like them, fat, thin, if they had feathers...not a fan. I think a much bigger reason why I have danced around it is it scares the shit out of me. The idea of accepting myself for who I am right now fat, or thin is really challenging. It also makes me think about where fat fits into my identity. I have always thought of it both as a temporary stop on my life tour, and as a prison sentence. Fat has never not been a part of my descriptors regardless of whether or not I was. I used to never even use the word fat. It was ugly. It felt no matter what like an insult and not just an adjective. It's almost intoxicating this idea of saying fat or thin I am a-okay, the same person, who deserves to be valued the same way. I hope I can start to believe that more then I do now.

If you would like to disappear down this rabbit hole with me I suggest the below links:

Monday, May 13, 2013

Music Filled Monday

I hope everyone had lovely weekends. I spent a chunk of it organizing and cleaning my apartment happy as a clam. Approaching it from a what would make you happy way instead of you are a gross filthy pig girl sure did speed the process up and make it a lot more enjoyable. It also let me listen to lots and lots of music, which is always fun so I suggest ya'll listen to the below.

1. Yes, they're my friends but they also make good music I swear. Their new singles are also 
available on their site as pay what you wish. Do it. 

2. Like the XX? May I suggest this remix then.

3. Ryan Hemsworth is both super adorable and gives good mix.

4. Chance the Rapper's new album is fun, and available for download for free.

5. I literally cannot stop listening to this 2 Chainz x STRFKR mashup. Not exaggerating at all. I listen to it then a song or two and then back to this.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Yes Man...Not Really

My friend Jo and I have commiserated on our need for yes man phases. This is named after the Jim Carrey movie. Not that we're huge fans of the movie or anything but we both swing between hibernating and phases of social insanity. The social insanity tends to be our yes man phases. Hey want to go to this party, YES! Want to go to this book reading, YES! and so on. There are some fun times but often I feel drained, have had a lot more cocktails then I would have liked and feel like for the 100% I was putting out there 10% was worth it.

I kicked off May with a I am going to issue in another yes man phase. I was sick of it within a week. Asking myself how do I feel, what do I need? I realized maybe I need some more no's instead of yes's.
I need a visit it to the West Coast to see dear friends and escape the city. I have not left NY in months. That is not good. You need a city break. What did I do, I double checked dates with a friend, mentioned it to my mom who offered me air miles and then I booked it. It's simple as that. Yes to LA.

Last night I found myself with a friend eating ice cream in his bed watching movies. This is something I probably would have said no to, and just sort of shrugged off. It's a school night, real ice cream are you out of your mind, I could go on with excuses but I won't. Instead I said yes I will come over for dinner and then let the night evolve. I ended up sleeping over, oversleeping and missing my appointment with Stephanie, (whoops) but it was worth it. To just be present and enjoy an evening, not obsess about full fat dairy, or bedtimes, that he would see my flaws when he handed me a t-shirt to sleep in or even what does this mean. Now several hours later, I am wondering why I did wake up being spooned, but not sure there is an answer or if I really need one. It was nice and unexpected for a Thursday night and that's okay with me.

People are selfish, it's just how we are and I feel myself learning a little better to be selfish in a way that is self protection. I said I would go to a party tonight, but really I don't want to. I have other things I need to take care of, I have plans Saturday morning, and really I don't have to justify it. I start spiraling and saying but what if there are really cool people there? Or but I said I would go and it's bad to cancel.  I guess what trumps all the things is I don't really want to go out and I have to be responsible and loyal to me first before others. Yes to me no to others perhaps?

Friday, May 3, 2013


Stephanie, my nutritionist has been on vacation for the past two weeks. I almost felt bad for her because I knew this morning I was about to emotionally vomit all over our appointment. It was great. SO much that I think I have been afraid of, worried about, that hasn't been working for me, or making me happy came up. She said, " I think this is the most real you have been with me since I began treating you." While kinda a tough thing to hear, she's not wrong. I am big on deflection. I deflect attention, I employ humor, distraction, activities, you name it. I guess what I didn't realize was how much I was deflecting from myself.

The food, the weight, all of it is always the metaphor. What I better see now are the things in my life I need to work on to move me forward across the board. I constantly want to go from A-Z and skip B-Y. They do not interest me. They are scary. A and Z are defined. They have the illusion of being known. The journey, the process, the struggles...ick...who wants to dive into the unknown.

One of the best things that happened to me when I sought out treatment many moons ago is I had to humble myself, accept I didn't have it all figured out and ask for help. Having a large weight gain, but really a long period of delusion has put me back in that same position. It made me dial into what some of the thoughts I have been having are, what behaviors have crept back, and what doesn't work for me. It let me share those things this morning and say I need your help. I do not think she has really been able to help me much before. I threw out challenges, I'm going to make my lunch, I'm going to train (3) times a week now, deflect, deflect, disconnect, disconnect.

I reacted to last Saturday better then I expected. I reached out to friends, I let myself be upset, I did not dismiss it, or soothe it with food or any other unhealthy behaviors. I also did not do any whiplash behaviors, restricting, over exercising. I was mindful about what I ate, how I felt and what I needed. This is progress. She gave me two things to focus on this upcoming week. Continue being mindful, whether it be about my emotional state, negative self talk, what I'm eating, whatever and record it somehow and to ask myself when I feel overwhelmed or like I am choosing between right or wrong how do I feel and what do I need? I can do that.

At the end of the session she weighed me and she asked do you want to know? I laughed and said sure why not, it can't be worse. She said it's not, you've lost 6.5 pounds. I am grateful it was lower not higher for sure, but I am also a lot more grateful that I left feeling better then I have in a few days.