Stephanie, my nutritionist has been on vacation for the past two weeks. I almost felt bad for her because I knew this morning I was about to emotionally vomit all over our appointment. It was great. SO much that I think I have been afraid of, worried about, that hasn't been working for me, or making me happy came up. She said, " I think this is the most real you have been with me since I began treating you." While kinda a tough thing to hear, she's not wrong. I am big on deflection. I deflect attention, I employ humor, distraction, activities, you name it. I guess what I didn't realize was how much I was deflecting from myself.
The food, the weight, all of it is always the metaphor. What I better see now are the things in my life I need to work on to move me forward across the board. I constantly want to go from A-Z and skip B-Y. They do not interest me. They are scary. A and Z are defined. They have the illusion of being known. The journey, the process, the struggles...ick...who wants to dive into the unknown.
One of the best things that happened to me when I sought out treatment many moons ago is I had to humble myself, accept I didn't have it all figured out and ask for help. Having a large weight gain, but really a long period of delusion has put me back in that same position. It made me dial into what some of the thoughts I have been having are, what behaviors have crept back, and what doesn't work for me. It let me share those things this morning and say I need your help. I do not think she has really been able to help me much before. I threw out challenges, I'm going to make my lunch, I'm going to train (3) times a week now, deflect, deflect, disconnect, disconnect.
I reacted to last Saturday better then I expected. I reached out to friends, I let myself be upset, I did not dismiss it, or soothe it with food or any other unhealthy behaviors. I also did not do any whiplash behaviors, restricting, over exercising. I was mindful about what I ate, how I felt and what I needed. This is progress. She gave me two things to focus on this upcoming week. Continue being mindful, whether it be about my emotional state, negative self talk, what I'm eating, whatever and record it somehow and to ask myself when I feel overwhelmed or like I am choosing between right or wrong how do I feel and what do I need? I can do that.
At the end of the session she weighed me and she asked do you want to know? I laughed and said sure why not, it can't be worse. She said it's not, you've lost 6.5 pounds. I am grateful it was lower not higher for sure, but I am also a lot more grateful that I left feeling better then I have in a few days.