Friday, April 29, 2011

Short Term

I am a goal oriented lady. I like to think ahead and sort of think I have a small clue of where I am heading. I don't really. I deviate constantly from the plan. I have been a little off course though and in the meantime because work is getting crazy, the weather is getting warmer, and I just want to run free like a pony I am going to ground myself with some goals. In no particular order of importance below:

1. Get to bed earlier, literally put myself to bed earlier. I do not have to sleep but I need to be in there.

2. Walk home from work to appreciate nice weather, where I live, and to not rush home. I live in Chelsea,  and 8th ave becomes a giant catwalk when the weather is nice. Dumplin' even sashays her way home with me. Girl can work a leash. It's a great way to unwind on the way home.

3. Eat dinner earlier, which means I need to organize my day better, get to the gym earlier and to be home earlier. Time management, I don't has it.

4. Back to breakfast at home in the morning. This is why going to bed earlier needs to happen. I just can't wake up in the mornings. To my defense I am not sleeping very well, then drinking lots-o-caffeine during the day, and then having a hard time sleeping. It's a vicious cycle that delicious coffee makes tough to break.

5. Use Sunday to get ready for the week. I have been cuckoo crazy for turkey tacos lately and I like making the meat on Sundays so I have it for the week. I also prep my quinoa for breakfast and do laundry. The last few Sundays I have not done this and I would like to this Sunday. I think I sleep better knowing I have looked at the week ahead and made some plans.

Normally, Not a Fan

I would usually not say anything kind about a body suit or a one piece of any sort. They can be a necessary evil for certain skirts and pieces but when Lady Gaga went and made them THE thing. I was not such a fan. I would still like her to shock us with some pants on occasion or at least just a little bit less of her bum. It makes me nervous. Carrying on... who looks good in body suit worn as an outfit? You know what happens though, if a trend sticks around long enough you start to drink the style kool-aid and think it's a good idea. I have been noticing a pic here and there where I don't just do a dramatic eye roll but instead a murmur of appreciation.

These two pics however had me swooning, both for sexy rexy confidence and a one piece that isn't just awkward and uncomfortable for all involved:

1. January Jones is gorgeous, and I give her hella props for getting preggers and not saying who the father is. What does it matter who the father is? I could not care less, not my bun. I am stuck on this picture.  She makes me think wearing some sort of bodysuit is a great sexy idea.

2. This Brigitte Bardot look alike makes me want to go to Paris and pose delightfully in front of the Eiffel Tour. I not only want to do that but in some sort of one piece ensemble. Tres tres chic. I'll be in Paris with my mama in July, anyone want to dare me to recreate? Totally kidding. All dares will kindly be refused because it will be much too hot for thigh highs.

Brigitte Bardot look alike picture courtesy of Cat @

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Le Confidence

Last week when I was getting my ombre on I happened to read a little of a magazine. It's really rare I read magazines which is still odd to me. I used to be obsessed with women's magazines I would save my allowance for foreign issues, and I collected them compulsively. I even had a pretty substantial vintage Vogue collection going until I went to college. When I was about 11 years old I lived next door to a girl who was a few years older then me and of course infinitely cooler. She introduced me to YM, and Sassy. Right before I was leaving on a beach vacation she gave me about 1000 old issues and an obsession was completely born. I think my love affair with magazines started to wane when I worked at Jane magazine. I had thought it was literally the coolest thing ever. After working there not so much. I started realizing how inferior they made me feel, whether it was something I wanted but didn't have, a look I desired but could never achieve, and never mind how often the articles are the same. Recently I pick them up more often and happened to at the salon. It's just what you do I suppose. I saw Olivia Wilde peaking at me and the promise of getting her secrets for confidence. It hooked me cause despite being drop dead gorgeous and a one time competitive eater she seems pretty confident. 

The article was pretty good. She made some interesting points about what women do, like waxing, highlights and so on. As I was waiting to get my own hair blown out I actually quit skimming and read the article. Her point about some grooming is it does not enhance your beauty so much as your confidence making you more open to being a little bolder and there by more attractive. One point was the girl with the fresh bikini wax is more likely to suggest skinny dipping then the one who maybe skipped it. She also listed skinny dipping as when she feels sexiest...I would say something about that but I am trying not to neg other women. Moving on, I do agree with her. I think taking care of yourself has very little about making you more appealing, pretty, sexy, whatever words you want to associate with it. It is about boosting your self esteem, and hanging your hat on something to allow that confident you out.  One quote I actually took the time to put into my phone to remember later was,  "Confidence is a state of mind, but sometimes we have to give ourselves permission to realize it." I think there is so much truth to this, but I think we spend so much time talking ourselves out of it. We list all the reasons we should not be confident but how often do we give ourselves permission to just be confident? In the past I have been really good at faking confidence but I am going to give myself permission to actually be confident. To actually list the reasons or to just say to hell with it I look good today and I am going to embrace it.

Lately making more decisions I actually want to make and doing what is right for me has been a real boost. Right or wrong I stand behind them whether it's my hair, or taking a night off from the gym. I am trying to practice giving myself permission to be confident, and trust I do know the value of who I am and what I am offering. Maybe it will help quiet the meaner voices in my head and if it means I have to get more lovely things like highlights and manicures well then so be it. I will suffer for my confidence :)

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

More ombre obsession

I came across this and have to have it. I currently have blue nails, similar shade to the pinky. I would post a pic but this mani has seen better days and I have nail shame.

Ombre nails from:


Samara left this comment about Body Remodeling:

You're absolutely right -- there is a significant difference between cosmetic and corrective procedures. Do you think that we want people outed for their procedures just so that we can easily label or categorize them? You know, gay or straight, male or female, real or fake, etc etc etc? I think that we as a culture are totally label-obsessed. Of course, the other possibility in my mind is that we want to know who has had work done so that we can feel better about ourselves. Thoughts?

As usual I do have thoughts on this. Shocking I know. It sort of ties into a few themes cooking for me right now. My Mom is a Jungian, she practices Jungian analysis which is a analytic form of psychotherapy. Her doctor, Dr. Williford is pretty cool. Share what I learn from Marisa and she shares with me what she learns from Dr. Williford. One of his brilliant things is on labels. He says we label as a shortcut to understanding. We think if we label something we have a deeper understanding and connection to it then we do. Labels do not really tell us anything. It would be really easy to say if you have plastic surgery you are fake, but what about a burn victim? Extreme example but definitely of someone who is not fake. I try not to label, speak in broad or general terms, but it's a tough challenge. Sometimes you just want a shortcut. You just want to think you have grasped the whole story or bigger picture. In thinking about labels I have been thinking about how I label myself. I discussed my whiplash reaction to being told I would end up looking like Kim Kardashian. We discussed why this is. I knew she would have some good insight. So much of it comes from my childhood. What I learned is this, have I dealt with experiences, and childhood pain? Absolutely. Do I have any idea how it has shaped who I am now? No. I understand it has impacted and shaped me but I have no idea what to do about it. I talked about my issues with men. That I hate feeling preyed upon and the idea of having a super sexy body made me want to shut down. I said to her imagine if I had just gotten my driver's license would you give me a Bentley or a Ford? I vote Ford. I am just becoming comfortable in my own skin, aware, and proud, to then go from 0-100 just made me panic. I think so often why I take the lead with guys is to keep that panic at bay. I feel so out of control, uncomfortable, and panicked when I am being pursued. I also inherently do not trust it. Some of this is from being monkeyed with as a kid, and being trapped in a bathroom and made to show my body. It is not a huge surprise this would influence me, but how do you avoid just labeling it I was affected? Marisa told me what is really important is when that happens is to recognize that it is my past, and that I have to literally say to myself you feel this way because of the past but you are safe and in control now and can leave the situation. Just hearing that made me feel better. I like knowing an action I can take.

Another thing we talked about is again this cul-de-sac of weight loss I am in. She said I think some of it is you needed a break. You have been running an emotional marathon and needed a break which is okay. I like that she gives me permission to take pressure off sometimes and does not make me feel guilty. I think it helps me connect with my own voice to give myself permission to do what's right for me. So she said a lot of what is going on is where you are now in the middle is safe, it's neutral. We talked more about what that meant. She said more is coming up, more to do with your childhood. She said when I say childhood I do not mean the babysitter's friend (pieced that detail together recently), but your childhood, the whole thing. I thought for a second and said I was never accepted as a kid, I was never told what who I was is good enough. My mom was a bubble popper, if you said I want to be an astronaut her first response was well you're not very good at science. She thought she was preparing you for let downs, other people's opinions, or the cruelty of the world at large. So much of this behavior was about her not me, or my brother, does not mean it did not hurt. It took a lot of joy out of what being a kid is about, thinking anything is possible and the world is yours to conquer. Another thing is no one said anything as critical, cruel, harsh, or deflating as my mom so she was pretty wrong on that front. It did not prepare me for the world, it prepared me to not have her confidence in me. I do not think that was her intention at all but it's how it came off. She has done a tremendous amount of soul searching in the past two years right along with me for her own purposes. She called me one day and said she was sorry. It was pretty amazing. It was really cool to have her come to her own realization how hurtful, pointless, and ridiculous that behavior was. I feel pretty lucky to have received that apology. I also feel kindness towards her that so much of it was not about me, but about her. My mom has really struggled with her own self esteem and self acceptance. My grandmother was a doozy of negative influence on her. She was downright mean to my mom her entire life. It is not a surprise to me my mom would try to protect us and instead end up hurting us. She had no example on how to protect kids, she had to protect herself within her family. How it all starts to piece together.

I received very little acceptance from my parents, family, or peers in many ways. It was constantly reinforced to me I was not good enough, what I should be, or okay. My Dad loved pieces of me, the ballerina, the horseback rider, and the daddy's little girl. He also was the same person after seeing for a split second and telling him about my day would say, "Anna the short version." Seriously dude? You were not that important, you were not the president and should have been able to tolerate 10 minutes with your kid before ego'ing out. I became so self conscious about this, about talking too much, wasting people's time, men thinking I was silly and superfulous. Simple action, life time of ramifications. I won't even go into his full scale meltdown of me embracing grunge, there was no greater insult to him then not being feminine. Of course though it did not help my mom also would say to me Anna you're babbling stop talking while in the middle of a sentence, and also was made to do my Dad's bidding. He would complain to my mom and expect her to just fix things, like my weight, or wearing doc marten. I believed her that it was his agenda, but I felt so betrayed.

My relationship with my mom was so tension filled and tenuous I did not need anymore stress to it. My Dad should have manned up and talked to me about his own concerns. Often I was desperate to connect to my mom that and maybe the babbling was feeling like I had her attention. I just was trying to have a conversation. I felt so distanced from my mom as a child. She held me at arm's length because her own self esteem said to her they can't possibly want or depend on you, you're not good enough. So sad. She held herself apart thinking no one could love or need her and that's all my brother and I wanted. One of my favorite teenage memories because while I focus on the negative the good is implied but not always share.... a group of girls in 8th grade were not being so nice to me. As my mom said it was my turn in the barrel. I went to the nurse feigning illness and she came to school picked me up and took me out for an awesome day in London. It made me feel awesome. It gave me the confidence to go back to school and think whatever taunt me I dare you, but mostly I loved that she read between the lines and just got what I needed and trusted her instincts. For the record NO ONE is or was better then my mom with girlfriend fights. Seriously have issues with your friends I'll hook you up with her.

These voices still exist in my head. There are old labels I default to. Old labels of no one will ever really accept you, no one will ever love you for who you are, no one will ever think who you are is enough. I am okay with who I am and think I am enough, but when it comes to other people and interactions this voice crops up. I have to learn to understand how it's intertwined with modern day me to move into the future without it having any power. The damage is done, it's shaped who I am today, but for it to lose it's control/power I have to change my own labels.

Monday, April 25, 2011

I'm sorry you see me looking like who?

My trainer Egon and I were chatting yesterday at the gym. Sadly I went to the gym to eat and hang with Avery and Michelle not to work out. I was much too tired after Saturday's shennanigans for that. Anyway he said wow you are really looking great. I said thanks and that it was pretty cool to start seeing potential and being better with not knowing where I would end up. I overall feel very differently about my body being a work in progress and have a different comfort level. It's still weird to discuss yourself with someone like it's the weather.

In regards to where I am ultimately going he said, "Well I know where you will end up, you don't need to, I do." I did not love that statement. My body my choice right? It's a tough balancing act of letting go and letting people do what they are supposed to do to help you and not getting in the way. Then he said, "I see you ending up shaped like Kim Kardashian." I immediately reacted, I said too big, too big, mostly about her booty I thought, but really it's about the exagerated nature of her figure. It's beautiful but not necessarily what I want or subscribe to me. For once I do not have a celebrity I am comparing myself to or chasing. I literally thought about it for a few minutes to counter his suggestion and couldn't. I just want to be me and be the best version of me I can, but I found how strongly I reacted to the Kim Kardashian reference a little weird.

I paused and thought about it though and thought it about it later. What set me off is her body is so highly sexualized. There is no toning that down. It is always pure curvy sexiness. I mean I've seen the girl in work out gear and she still looks amazing, and definitely sexy. I was not reacting so much to size, because whether she really is a size 2, 4, 6, or 30 I do not care. I think it was more the sex factor. It weirds me out. I have a hour glass shape, there's no fighting it but maybe I do not want to emphasize it so much or completely play to it. Something about that reference freaked me out and took me back to being 8-9 years old and the first girl to get boobs. It sent a message to the boys of 4th grade I was not meaning to send. I think I still struggle with the physical defining me. I do not want weight to, but I also do not want curves to define me as well. I plan on mentioning it to Marisa at tomorrow's morning session. I am sure she'll have some insight on the knee jerk reaction. I'm sure she will because she always does and that makes it easier to relax, not over analyze and know ultimately I do not have to look like anyone I do not want to.

Holy Fast Shipping

Got my necklaces from Chelsea on Saturday. I could not believe they shipped that fast. I am in love and obsessed. I threw one on today cause I just had to. They are a little smaller and more delicate then I expected which I was pleased by.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Body Remodelling

I have a confession to make. Someone commented on an entry about Nicki Minaj having plastic surgery. I could pretend I am anti-plastic surgery but I am not. You see I want to get plastic surgery. I want to get the excess skin on my arms removed, and potentially some sort of breast augmentation. I am not sure if that involves a lift, implants, both or what. I come from a very plastic surgery friendly home. My mom had a face lift at 49, she had her boobs done when I was 5 years old, and redone when I was older. She's had laser resurfacing, implants taken out and real boobs reconstructed, lipsuction, a nose job, and I think that's it, but you get the idea. Mama is very much supportive of any surgical procedure I might entertain. Mind you my mom is almost 90% recognizable to me as the woman I have known my whole life to she has never done anything that extreme. Her friends have also nipped, tucked, pulled, and lipo'ed so there is an element of peer pressure, and acceptance but for the most part she has done it for herself. My Mom hates aging. Despises it. Couple that with also never feeling pretty you have someone who definitely wants and is open to some help of a surgical nature. I feel lucky in some ways to have seen the pain these surgeries have caused her, but also the boost they give her to. I have had access to what the real deal is. It's an ugly process, and it comes with a lot of emotion, because you are in pain and you did it to yourself.  She looks really natural, and beautiful, but I always have thought she was. Most importantly it makes her feel good about herself. It increases her confidence and it makes her own her face which I think she did not do before. She has distanced herself, been negative and always put down her face. She does not do this anymore. She also does not continue to modify herself. She dealt with the key issues that upset her and moved on. She talks about doing more lipo but I give her a hard time telling her to lay off the evening cocktails and get a trainer. She's running out of places for any fat to go, one day she is going to have some weird hump were she gains weight on her back or something.
I hate my excess skin. I love my body and accept it for the amazing thing that it is but I do not accept the skin. It's really trying to have done a lot of work and look like you are melting when the clothes come off. It affects me moving forward with dating, it affects my self esteem and it affects my self acceptance. I accept my body, I do not accept the skin. I also do not think I have to. I felt really bad before like hating the skin was hating myself. I also hated having this physical reminder of what I had done to myself. Do I think everyone should run off and get plastic surgery? No. Do I think it's something that should be investigated so you can move on and live your life? Yes. I do not think I should have to live the rest of my days with lots of skin and super weight loss traumatized boobs in order to be authentic, accept my body, or whatever you want to call it. Do I want to be perfect or have the perfect body? Not at all. I just want to be normalized. Even having the skin removed and putting me at some sort of baseline I am going to have scars and will have to deal with that the rest of my life. I can live with that. I can deal with the scars, I can not and will not accept not wearing a tank top the rest of my life because inches upon inches of skin hangs there. I refuse. I refuse for two reasons, 1. It's just unattractive and I am painfully self conscious about it and I am over feeling like I have to hide parts of my body, and 2. just like excess weight is something because it is seen people think they can comment on so are things like excess skin. I have had people say to me wow to have that sort of skin you must have been really big. It's like it's never really over, and at some point I want it over. I want to be able to move on from being over weight, and from losing weight, and my wings as I call them will make that tough to do.

For right now I am focused on getting to my goal weight and striving to be as lean as I can. Research says excess skin gravitates to muscle. Maybe I can avoid surgery by being lean, but I am not going to compromise my mental health on a quest to be too lean for me to healthily maintain. It's not the easiest riddle to solve. I can not be too obsessed or focused on it cause I could meltdown, but I also can not resign myself to it because then I meltdown. My choices are, see what being lean does, surgery, or accept it and move on. Right now I am contemplating the first two, maybe one day I'll contemplate the last. I am not going to hide in the surgery closet though. I have worked hard, done right by myself and body and will continue to do so. Sometimes plastic surgery is not about seeking perfection or rejecting who you are. It can be about realizing who you have always been but got in the way of.

Yes, More Shapes

I stumbled across this site on and after obsessing over the jewelry for weeks I finally bought these two necklaces. I love, love, love Chelsea's work. She's also offering 15% off by entering the promo code LOVELYSPRING at checkout.

Quelle Surprise!

I was really pleasantly surprised to see the video I did and was talking about the other day was posted to not This is super cool to me because it is about fashion. I love clothes, accessories, design, make up, hair, you name it I love it. I think what I love is not the labels, being trendy, or anything like that but that fashion is a way to express yourself and distinguish yourself, and it has limitless potential. How you dress is a first impression of who you are that you get to create. What are you saying through your clothes? Sometimes I like to channel a 1920's tennis pro, or a Russian princess. I think clothes let you have safe alter egos that are healthy. Fashion is a healthy armor that gives you more confidence and distinction. Just like you are more then your weight you are more then your clothes but when they work as an extension of who you are and reflect your insides it's pretty cool.

If you have trouble finding clothes that express you in your luscious body check out the below sites. I also put some that I have been digging recently to :

asos curve:

Forever 21 does have extended sizes in their Faith line. I reccomend them, but mostly because their dresses barely cover my business I go up sizes sometimes and like having the option. Forever 21 is a hot button place with people, but honestly I think it's less about them being size prejudiced and more about me trying to save some cash squeezing into clothes meant for 13 year old girls with no hips or boobs. Their love 21 line is also pretty realistically and generously sized.

Ole! Ombre!

Ding! Hair's done. I loooove it. Jennifer Costa at Oscar Blandi is amazing. She was super sweet, helpful, laid back, and fast. I have a lot of hair and yet she got me in and out of there. I made my friend Katie meet me for dinner last night to check it out. Poor thing. She had just gotten back into town and I call her breathless and babbling about how much I like my hair. She's a good sport though when I said where are you, I wish to show you now she was not terribly phased. This is why she's one of my besties.  I like to think she finds my silliness endearing.  We walked until we met one another on 65th street. The 1st pic makes it look a little blonder then it really is, but what can you do when you're using a laptop as your primary camera source....Hopefully this weekend I will have some better pictures to show.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The Word Plus Size is Gross

I was doing a little research for my next video and came across a really obnoxious article. My topic was not plus size fashion, so much as how to deal with the wardrobe nonsense losing weight throws your way. It's an annoying problem to have the constant shifting. What people forget is that you do not just get smaller, but your entire body changes. I had to adjust to this, my whole shape changed and had changed since the last time I saw it. I get clothes, I get dressing for your shape, and I was excited to do this for FP. I did however want to poke around and see if there were any tips I was not thinking of. I stumbled on to this one site that basically instead of offering any real constructive tips just reinforced that your body is bad, should be covered, and there should be no joy taken in it. I found it really negative and also wrong. I think just because your body is curvy or not the industry standard you do not have to dress to a whole different standard. Every single body has to be dressed specifically for it to best highlight it. You have to learn your body and not be told to wear long jackets to hide lumps and bumps (for real, why not suggest a monks robe?). 

Women have enough negative body image they put on themselves but to see people suggesting advice that really is about hiding your body just made me angry. There is a lot to be said for people who hold themselves with confidence and embrace their bodies. I love Nicki Minaj for her embracing and celebrating of her body. Have you ever seen her booty? It's magnificent. I truly have a butt crush on it. I love that she's not wearing things that cover it up but instead performing in a bedazzled catsuit. Would that be right for me? No, I would feel a little nakey and afraid something I did not want the world to see would pop out, but I love that she does it.

I am pushing myself to let go of my own negative body image and the more I do the more I react to people's own self negging and the reinforcement of it. I hate the word plus size. Why is it not just size? Calling it just a size is not endorsing unhealthiness or obesity. I know there are lots of women out there who have really fit, toned, incredible bodies that are a not a size 8, 10, or 12 but gasp bigger. They are only plus awesome not size and very little of it should be covered up or told it's wrong.

I struggle with thinking men find me attractive. This is for a few reasons, but predominantly it's because I don't get hit on, or approached by them. Dumb I know but hey not all fears or any fears really are rational.  One of my animators, who is 24 years old, and a skinny, hipstery dude, a type I would think I would be as appealing to as a male bison gave me the best compliment ever. It stopped me dead in my tracks, and has made me feel a shift in my own body revolution. He asked me why I don't make moves on guys, and amongst several other reasons I said well part of me thinks I am too fat. I also admitted that I knew that was a little cray cray and why I still see Marisa once a week for the record. He said 1. you are not fat, he then confirmed that we were in fact off the clock and friends and I was not his boss at this point in time, and I said yes, and  2. when it comes to you and your figure I have one word, damn, this was said in a more daaayyyum fashion. I will take a damn any day and it brightened my entire night and made me think very differently about my body. Sometimes it takes one damn to make you rethink years of gross. My body is not gross, or undesirable. The perception of curves and women who do not fit some sort of model/mold that no one can define being wrong or needing to be covered is gross.

Shape Obsession Continues

It's nice that most of my obsessions these days are healthy. It's even better that my current shape obsession is less about my own and more about actual geometry. I had been sweating this loomstate shirt forevs, but refused to pay full price for it. While it's awesome it's a t-shirt. Even I have some super spending standards/limits. I spotted it today on sale at  and free shipping. As Andy on Parks and Rec would say awesomesauce.Boom. Mine.

I heart letterpress

I saw these on a blog and had to buy them. I heart clever cards, letterpress and etsy oh so much.

These are from:

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I love a good motto

I am a messy person. I have messy hair, messy style. I mean I do not look like Pigpen and I am generally pulled together but never prim or prissy. One of my big hair notes when I get it cut is it needs to work messy. It's been fun being a little more styled cause that's a change but I like and prefer messy hair. I came across this print and I love and need it. Amazing. Unfortunately it's sold out, but for good reason. Lots of other ladies see we just look sassier and sexier with some hair messiness going on.

Rachel's etsy shop for more prints:

Chub on Chub Violence

I don't have a lot of friends who struggle with their weight. A few, and the ones who struggle with that 5 pounds most women imagine extra on themselves but few who are legitimately overweight or have been. A friend of mine and I were catching up and she actually has several friends who struggle with their weight. My favorite line from the evening as we ate crispy pork belly ( naturally), "I don't have a weight requirement for my friends",  when someone remarked she had a lot of overweight friends. She has friends who do struggle with their weight, some care, some don't, some are in denial, and some actively working on it. It's completely fascinating to me, because she has been super supportive to me and I think probably is to those around her, but she gets a lot of crap thrown her way. Some friends talk about one another to her knowing these people are her friends, and by talk I mean some real cutting comments. I mean you know you are talking to this person's friend, what are you doing? Not so much that they will tell them, but why put her in the middle? It's sort of sucky on two fronts, you're being mean to two people really.

This is perplexing to to me. I know I have done it, I know in the past I would be the first person to gleefully point out someone else's weight gain, on the inside glad it wasn't me, feeling less alone, and all the time pretending it hurt me for that person. No it didn't. Not even a little bit. I think I avoided having overweight friends because I felt like it attracted more attention to my weight. I think I thought if I surrounded myself with enough cute girls somehow it canceled me out. I did not seek out girls who understood my struggles.

I think it's tough to befriend people who we see some of ourselves in, whether it's weight, or anything else. Why do we do it though? Why do we take down someone else who struggles with what we do? It does not make you feel better or change your situation. I have done it, no longer do it, but still have little understanding of it. I have less patience for people's weight issues in a way now. I know that sounds really weird, but my point I guess is I have all the patience in the world for people who actually want to put in the work, change their habits, and get healthy. I have zero patience for excuses, delusions, and denial. I just do not. I have been there, I have done it, and I have left it behind. I am certainly not going to talk smack about someone else anymore to make myself feel better, or be glad I am smaller then someone else, or any of that other negative nonsense that pulls you down. I also get now that as someone said to me there are two sides of the street and you can only clean one, which one are you going to clean? These days I clean my own.

Before I was not just overweight, I was negative and toxic. I see now how many people hold on to their pain, negativity, insecurities you name it and are just toxic. I react more to that then to weight. I react to not trusting someone so insecure they will hurt me to make themselves feel better. I experienced this recently in a different way then my friend. She had something about her body said to her by someone who definitely knew better. Knew better for two reasons, 1. Why be mean about someone else's body, and 2. Would you like that? I mean really, we're not 13 anymore we know what hurts and what doesn't. We're not wolf children we have manners. I think sometimes and I felt this way before because someone was smaller then me I could say something they would never dream of saying to me. Totally weird logic, like because I felt the world was judging me I could judge others? It makes very little sense but it was something along those lines.

My own insecure girl nonsense was dudeski related another lady hot button issue.  A friend of mine who mind you is dating someone spent an evening throwing herself at him. Not cool. Not cool at all. Am I dating him? No. Do I have any claim on him? No. Do I expect MY FRIEND to not throw herself at him? Yes. I am not really down with spending time or investing myself further in friendships that do not really mean anything once those insecurities have been tapped into.  She needs male attention to validate her. She has done this whole try to make the guy you like prefer me to others before and probably will continue to do so. Why, because she does not deal with her ish. She openly cops to issues that she leaves unresolved. Your past is no excuse to suck, period. I notice now my friends who I enjoy the most, get the most from in terms of learning, being pushed, honesty and belly laughs are the ones that have done some work. Who have been brave enough to face things about themselves they did not like and actually address them, and have the confidence to embrace who they are and accept it. Some of them have dipped into therapy, some have not, but I applaud all of them in what they have accomplished. They deserve my time and attention not the negative nellies, and boy snatching girlies.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Phase One of Hair

So I chopped my hair Saturday. I see Janet Waddell who is the most amazing, lovely woman you could ever trust your locks with. I showed her a ton of photos with very few common threads and she immediately was able to make sense of the blathering on. Basically we made my bangs beefier, one place I am happy to gain weight, chopped off several inches, and leveled it off so overall I am less layered. She straightened it for me when I was leaving Saturday and I was in deep deep love. I never straighten my hair. It's wavy I don't mind it or fight it, but all of a sudden with the straight locks I felt very Russian czarina mixed with spy. I am not really any closer to knowing my life goals just yet, or a project outside of weight loss, but operation change up my look is off to a banging start. The pic is not so great, but gives you a general sense. Unfortunately my hair being super dark, and my office not light for my impromptu photo shoots the detail is lost. Just trust me. I am getting the ombre color done on Thursday and oh me goodness I am so excited it makes me pirate speak! Arrrrgh get me hair done.

P.S. The necklace I am wearing is my ode to Easter. It's also a current obsession, and Samara right up your alley. It's jewelmint, Kate Bosworth's line, yeah... a celeb line, but if you're going to go down that path she's the one to follow me thinks. Arrrgh jewels.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Why Marisa is Awesome

I love my nutritionist. This we know. She's amazing and I look forward to my sessions with her. She provides me with so much insight, and really helps me sort out the clutter in my mind. I saw her today instead of my usual Tuesday. I had a meeting Tuesday morning that was good, but then erupted into a goat rodeo making me even more annoyed I had missed Marisa time. Carrying on to today. I talked a little bit about the going out, the boredom, the chaos at work. She made some great points, and gave me as usual some things to think about. One of the biggest things that sort of relates to everything in terms of where I am at right now is I am bored with improving myself. I am worn out, drained, and bored. It was so exciting for so long, learning these new things, tools, practicing them, finding the challenges and moving beyond them. It was like being my own experiment. I have loved and valued this time tremendously but for right now it does feel a bit tedious. My apartment for example is still something of a disaster. I make baby steps to working on it, but just can not really dig in. She said well it's no different then figuring out who you are without weight loss, who are you now, and how does your home reflect that? You maybe do not have that answer yet. I definitely do not have this answer yet, that is probably why it's so overwhelming. She also said you need a project, and I said well I have my apartment, and she pointed out but it's still related to self improvement another reason why you might not be able to dig in, you're burned out. I am a little burned out. As for the going out, why do I want to just dance the nights away? Well for a really long time I didn't and it feels amazing to be able to go out, and just feel free and like I am living my life, being okay with who I am, and just being present. This also goes back to the bored with self improvement. While I am not abusing alcohol, lucky for me my body makes it virtually impossible with cray cray hangovers, and getting older is worsening this effect I can still get tipsy enough to check out. I can leave meal planning, the food journal, exercise schedule, repressed memories and feelings behind for a few hours. The great thing that she explained to me is it's okay to check out from self improvement for a beat, just as long as I do not check out from myself and my life. I absolutely do not think I am checking out from myself and life. It's wanting to check out from a small part of it. Completely changing your identity is not easy, and for the most part this process has been amazingly rewarding and I have not felt too worn out by it, but at this point I am a little worn out. I need to reassess my goals and reassess what is right for me. I thought about listing goals right this second here, but think I might ignore my impulsive nature for a hot second and actually think on this because it's important. If I want to know what life without weight loss is I have to leave some of the self improvement behind to create a space for it. Another balancing act I have to not master, but attempt, make mistakes and learn from. I'm pretty excited, and that's not even a little bit sarcastic.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

A little dead on the inside

I have come to the startling realization I am quite bored. I am bored with myself. Not life but me. I keep doing the same stuff and not really bothering to figure out what does really excite me and bring me happiness. I keep seeking the same fleeting nonsense that does not really do anything for you long term. Cute fellas, vodka sodas, and new clothes are my new sweet treats and the result is the same. I feel slightly tempered but a little grossed out, and not quite sure what I did had any real benefit. I have been going out a lot lately, and I was not stressing it terribly but alcohol and weight loss do not really mix well. You have to have some balance and some fun which I do not believe you need alcohol to do but realistically alcohol and I are going to cross paths. I have fun, feel free for a while, and let go and then later I think what was that about? Why not take how you feel going out, and bring it into your day to day? Not sure how this works, but I would like to be the same girl in both places. I feel less boring terribly playing pool hanging with a friend then I do at work, going to the gym, and riding the day to day monotony. I do not want to live always looking forward to something, or in expectation, but routine seems to not be my friend lately. It's a new balance I have to navigate I suppose. Learn to go out, have fun, live a healthy life, keep some excitement in there, and not lose my mind being overly introspective. Got it. Check.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Dominatrix moi?

I was reading a book the other day, okay if I am totally honest about it, it was true crime book. Lately I can not get enough of this. Each night I look forward to crawling into bed to get my true crime on. It's sad how happy it makes me. Seriously I am dating my ipad.  So I was getting my true crime on, and read a line about a couple having issues and the wife said, "I dominate in order to avoid being dominated." This stopped me. I really thought about this a lot after. If your life has been affected by an insecurity which impeded your life you might think you have receded into the background and have not dominated anything but think hard about it. I definitely tried to dominate where I could. I have chosen relationships I could dominate in some way or rebel when they were dominating me. Take the guy from my early twenties when I was super vulnerable. He basically just liked how I looked, and never got beyond that. I would wake up to him staring at me, and say what's up and he would say you're just so beautiful. Uhm this is one of those things you think you want until it happens. You think you want a guy who puts you on a pedestal and thinks you are the most beautiful creature until you get one, especially if that's all you are to them. I was just a face, and I started to see that I did not like being valued for that only. I had lost a bunch of weight at that point but had more to go. He would say things like gosh I can't wait until you lose more weight and get hot. At the time it probably dinged my self confidence but it really did not occur to me how wrong that was and how empty this relationship was. I was so removed already, and just got swept along into a relationship having no voice developed yet. He told me he loved me after a month of dating. A month. He did not love me, he just wanted to be in love and was a manipulative person, but that's a tale for another day. His declarations though gave me knowledge, I was incapable of revealing myself but he made it easy for me to maneuver. I could dominate because I had the power or so I thought. When it came to anything of substance like the fact that I felt smothered and pressured he put me down. Why because dolls aren't supposed to talk. Eventually after nothing I brought up being heard I just crept back even further and then reared my head one day post a few hours in the dentist chair to come home and promptly break up with him. I just snapped, I vividly remember sitting on a curb around the corner from my apartment talking to my mom. I just could not fake it anymore. I was not happy, I could not be myself, I was worn out being manipulated, and I needed out. There was no going back.
It was awful. I felt like the worst person on the planet but it was an important lesson in learning sometimes being selfish is more about survival than just being willy nilly with someone's feelings. My most recent relationship, and some of my dating ever since I have noticed I tend to be willing to put myself out there for guys I think I have some sort of edge over. I tell myself stuff like well I won't get serious, or they're a good fit for this, and whatever but what I really started to see was I thought I could somehow stay on top and stay safe. You can't. In a real relationship you have to take a risk. You have to be willing to not be the one with all the power, but be an equal, be able to be hurt, and the trick is picking someone you can do this with who won't trounce your heart. Scary stuff.

There's a guy sort of swirling in my life now. Friends kept advising me to make a move. I do not want to. I thought it was because I felt too fat. That's my old stand by, but I had gone after guys before despite feeling that way. Faking it until I felt it. What was holding me back now? I think pure and simple I am trying something different. I do not know if I "like" him and if I am not sure then why make a move? Also I would like a move to be made on me. It would do me some good. I was talking to my mom Saturday about it as we strolled around the Met looking at art and she said whatever happened to taking the time to get to know someone? Shes right. I would like to actually take the time to get to know someone. I enjoy hanging out with him, I have fun, I am not obsessing the whole time about where it's going. I am living in the present just hanging out and not worrying about what the future brings move or no move.

Addicted to Food

I got a comment on my post Rebrand from Jill Smith from OWN regarding the new series Addicted to Food on OWN. I actually have a lot of feelings about this show.  My friend Beth, I refer to her as Beazel, and I are TV texting buddies. We tend to watch Real Housewives, Ruby and now Addicted to Food together. If one of us catches it later we text bomb the other. I think somehow texting it makes some of the mind blowing nature of the programming easier to grasp.

Tennie McCarty, the founder and CEO of Shades of Hope the treatment center on Addicted to Food first became familiar to me on the show Ruby. I fell a little in love. She is no freakin joke. Take no prisoners call you out, and make you confront yourself. Her methods are intense, you are stripped of everything upon entering treatment. Your phone, wallet, no books, magazines, nail polish (still a little baffled by that), zero distractions. In some ways I think what is to be taking away distractions so you are forced to confront your disease is dehumanizing but I also think its really important. You have to be humbled to admit you need help. In order to be willing to rethink, relearn, and reopen yourself something has to make you leave enough pride behind to do this. I respect a lot of what she has to say and the fact that she is kind but firm. Any addict has been enabling themselves and I applaud her for making it clear that it ends there.

That being said I think treatment is tough to watch on a TV show. One of the women who had just entered treatment reveals she is attracted to women and thinks that is part of why she eats. Whoah! I wonder though did she say it because it's true and now there's no backing out? Do the cameras make people be even more honest because it is recorded? I don't think people play to them so much as take advantage of that there is no take backs. It's going to be pretty tough to tell your family, oh that whole lesbian thing, yeah I was kidding. Maybe what you can not say, examine, or reveal in your real life you have to be removed to discover and say out loud. I guess more then anything I find it compelling that this group of people is willing to admit they have a problem, need treatment, isn't making excuses and has begun 42 day plan. I am curious to see how it all plays out. What do they learn, what tactic will Tennie employ next, and who comes out healthier, and happier.

On a side note Ruby and her Women's Fat Night group went to the 6 day intensive. Her friends all had some major breakthroughs, Ruby had one or two, but really just ran back and hid. I'll save my Ruby rant for another post, but moving on...When this season of Ruby began her friends had lost 35-50 pounds since attending the intensive. They also seemed more peaceful then before. It made me happy for them especially Joan because I find her adorable.

I am not sure Tennie's methods would be right for me. I would probably be tempted to rebel and get in my own way but who knows.  The Binge Diary went to Shades of Hope and posted the below about it, which I will be watching the show to see how this is addressed. Nutritional counseling, intuitive eating, that sort of stuff. I think it's odd they have to eat everything on their plate. If you have a binge/restrict history most therapies are trying to reset this in you not just ignore it, but I am not and never have been a expert on this. I just have lots of opinions and texting to do with Beth later.

The Binge Diary:

Addicted to Food:

Here's a Ruby clip I could find on youtube, I am sure the episodes are somewhere:

Friday, April 8, 2011


Redefining, and rebranding are big themes in my life right now. The company I work for is undergoing some major changes. We are totally rebranding ourselves and changing the way we are positioned within our industry. We're hiring additional staff, changing our name, and well pretty much everything. It's a little weird. I guess more then anything I have mixed feelings about not knowing what is to come. I am ready to be pushed. I am ready for something new, to be taken out of my comfort zones, to be re-engaged, inspired, to learn. I have been majorly lacking this in my professional life. I love working in a team but it is tough as well. We all have to work together and embrace things as a whole for them to work. Everyone has different comfort levels with things. My partner resists change. He plays lip service to embracing it but things do not change. I think he has a fundamental lack of confidence which keeps him from leaving behind the way he knows how to work. He falls back on excuses and statements I have heard for over 8 years. I am not saying this as a put down but as a fact. I am tired of pretending it's any other way. He also lacks a true self awareness, and capacity to see things for what they are instead of what he wants them to be because of his need for comfort. I can no longer support and uphold these things. I am pro these coming changes he is threatened and it's hard to say to him I am not with you on this. I know I need to change, grow, learn, progress, and in my opinion so does he. I know what we are as a company and where we really stand and I want to go beyond it. It will be interesting to see what happens. So far we're thinking on new names and hired an additional Creative Director, exciting! We also were awarded a HUGE job for NASCAR on Monday that is very exciting. I pitched the job on my own and while I was terrified I did well, and felt passionately about the work we did and that we would succeed because of it. I felt a part of something and not like I was just supporting someone else. It's tough because a lot of our work flow revolves around supporting someone else. Both in good and bad ways. We support each other to actually accomplish things but sometimes this support crosses over into enabling. I am happy to see a new sheriff come into town and make enabling reduced. I have had a hard time adjusting to the shifts in my relationships because I have changed so much. My professional ones for the most have strengthened but this will be a real test.I am not the same person I was, and I am continuing to evolve now, I hope we can all look to do this together.

So professionally I have a lot brewing. Lots of work, change, and growth on the horizon. So what is cooking personally? Doing the fear list has made me have to confront the idea that I am pretty scared of life post weight loss. I do not know if scared is the word so much as I have zero concept of it. I have no idea of what just managing your weight is. It's not so much the food and exercise that baffles me. I get that, or think I do. I get that I will not get to some magical number and eat cheeseburgers every day. It doesn't work like that. I guess what I struggle with is I have moved away from my weight defining me but how much have I really moved away from weight loss defining me? I had not stopped to sort of check in and see weight loss definitely plays a role in who I am. It not only plays a role, but it's one I probably like more then I want to admit. I blog about it, vlog about it, get positive feedback regarding it, and it's been a big thing that has made me feel good about myself. What happens when that is gone? What happens when I run into people and my weight is not mentioned? What happens when I just have to be myself? I am beginning to realize I do not completely understand who that is. I started a few months ago making moves to strengthen that. I moved the blog a little away from weight loss and tried to incorporate more about who I am, in my personal life I try to revolve around weight loss solely less but it's a challenge. Weight loss is and has to be a focus and goal for me but how does it not become intertwined with my identity? I am still working that out. What that balance is, that answer. I talk about it less with the people around me that helps, I have worked on enriching myself and life, that's a help but there are still too many gaps that weight loss boost can fill. I have to think more on this so I can fear it less and keep moving forward. It's time for a personal rebrand. I am more then my weight, and my weight loss.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Bikini Challenge, No I have not lost my mind

I love Josie over at She is funny, inspiring, and has a great outlook on striving to be healthy. She balances working, four kids, and her own goals. I have been in deep deep like with her blog for some time. She started the bikini challenge in late Feb. What I LOVE about this is her challenge is not to end up in a bikini necessarily, but to rock a one piece, or to not be in a full suit by one of these people perhaps, Her challenge is to work at transforming your body and define what bikini ready means to you. She specifically says she does not care about how much weight you lose, or what you weigh but how you transform. I love this. I love the idea of it being up to you to define what does bikini ready mean, and that it's not about an amount of pounds lost. It's about working hard and doing good things for your body. I have entered the challenge because I think it's a good way to stay connected to my goals, and you could win a $200 prize. Body transformation and some cash for the new bathing suit you might need? Bonus! Below is a link to it. Check her out and the challenge. I guarantee you'll fall in love with her and yumyucky.

Back to Regularly Scheduled Programming

I think this is the longest I have gone without an update here. What a week. I saw Marisa this morning and after filling her in we concluded I faced just about every stressful situation you could in a week without crumbling, being triggered, or eating my way through it. I was very out of control. I was off schedule, I was on the move and on the go, but I tried the best I could to stay on track. It's really hard sometimes to know what is the difference between accepting the situation you are in, and using it to make a choice you might not ordinarily make. I attended my friend's Dad's funeral last Thursday. It was a beautiful memorial very fitting for a wonderful man. Something the rabbi said during it really struck me, we hope he has stillness and peacefulness for eternity. I thought about how we all seek peace, most of us are scared of stillness and we have no concept of eternity. The idea of being wished stillness for eternity would have struck before as the worst thing ever before but I thought yes, we should all hope to have stillness and peace in life and the hereafter.

I am still not totally a-okay with stillness. I have the tendency to keep going, keep my life plate full, be thinking about what next, or planning ahead. I think I strive to manage this from a healthier place now. I have accepted some of it is my nature. I thrive and feel better about myself when I am productive. I am learning better what is a healthy balance for me respecting my nature and when I will let this run too far and use it as a distraction. I need stillness now. I embrace it and I am finding a way to bring it into my life and make my own peace with it. I brought more quiet and stillness into my life last week. I shut the TV off sometimes, I walked without my ipod on, and I just took in the world around me. I was pleasantly surprised how not scary my own mind, thoughts, and stillness was.

So last week besides the funeral which was pretty emotionally upsetting, I had an old friend in town which I was not too concerned about being triggered by, but I also had family in town which is dicey, and my schedule was totally wackadoo. I also had the fun challenge of figuring out what to wear to this funeral. I had some stuff buried in my closet I feared would be too small. These were things from the last time I lost a significant amount of weight. It not only all fit, but most of it was too big because my shape has changed so much. It was super gratifying. I also have a lot of questions for younger anna, starting with what were you thinking? These skirts are the most awkward hideous length, and hip pleats? Really? I am not even starting on my questions about the weird lace catastrophe skirt... I have some serious 'splainin to do.  After deciding I just could not deal with some of the skirt options because they were just too unflattering, and awful I went to my go to, black pants. Black pants are my dress up security blanket. Dresses make me insecure about my legs, black pants seem safe like somehow your legs become invisible. These pants were 1-2 sizes too big. Could I pull it off sure, did I look slightly ragamuffin? Yes. I decided, nope not doing that. I have worked hard for the body I have and by god I am honoring it. I wore a dress I have yet to wear out, and it is gasp short, and you know what, I looked good. I mean as good as you can look funeral bound. Most importantly I did not feel insecure, or like I was inappropriately dressed, or in anyway bad about myself. It felt good to be out of my comfort zone. It was good I had this victory because later I would feel a little ick because there were about 5000 doughnuts in my office, and a box of girl scout cookies when I got back post funeral. By box I do not mean 1 box of cookies, I mean a large mama box filled with multiple baby cookie boxes. Kevin my co-worker came over and said as a friend do not go into the kitchen. Eventually I went into the kitchen. I ate 1.5 donuts, and a few cookies. Was it emotional? Probably. Was it delicious and totally worth it, yes. Those feelings were tasty. What annoyed me was the game of eating a piece of doughnut. Cutting off a little bit over and over.  I know full well a piece will lead to a whole one. I would rather have just said yep take a doughnut and leave. Lesson learned. I am better grasping how to naturally talk to myself. Later when I wanted nutella I said nope you already used up your sweets for today move it along lady and I did.

Now an amusing tale from the week is that night I had a work out with Egon. I had to take my baby cousins to the Lion King Saturday during my normie time so I rescheduled instead of skipping. he had Thursday night free. My initial thought was I am going to be too tired, then I thought well it's going to be a crappy day, maybe a work out will help it not be a crappy night. I got to the gym was changing at the speed of light and realized I was missing my t-shirt. Uh huh. I had a pair of socks I did not need, my ipad, a scarf, but no t-shirt. I just sort of stood dumfounded for a second in disbelief that it was happening. I also of course did the let me search again because by magic it might appear. Amazingly that does not work or make something appear. I knew Egon was not going to let me out of it, and I was going to get charged regardless so I improvised. I worked out in my dress. Yep, my dress and spandex pants. While I looked utterly ridiculous, it helped me see how much more comfortable I am getting in my own skin. The dress had short sleeves I am not totally done with public baring, but so what. I just had a good laugh I needed and got my work out on.

It was a long week, a lot of situations I was out of control in but I rolled with it. I did what I could and accepted when I was out of options. It did feel good to get my groceries Sunday, and plan ahead for the week and know a lot more would be in my control this week. I felt calmed by that and kept reminding myself last week this is just how it goes sometimes, it's temporary, and I am capable of dealing. Sometimes you just have to deal, so deal I did. Keep calm and carry on, and avoid the pistachio doughnuts next time.

Thank you everyone though for your comments, emails and support last week about my friend's Dad. It was really sweet, and thoughtful. All of you totally buoyed my spirits.