I have a confession to make. Someone commented on an entry about Nicki Minaj having plastic surgery. I could pretend I am anti-plastic surgery but I am not. You see I want to get plastic surgery. I want to get the excess skin on my arms removed, and potentially some sort of breast augmentation. I am not sure if that involves a lift, implants, both or what. I come from a very plastic surgery friendly home. My mom had a face lift at 49, she had her boobs done when I was 5 years old, and redone when I was older. She's had laser resurfacing, implants taken out and real boobs reconstructed, lipsuction, a nose job, and I think that's it, but you get the idea. Mama is very much supportive of any surgical procedure I might entertain. Mind you my mom is almost 90% recognizable to me as the woman I have known my whole life to she has never done anything that extreme. Her friends have also nipped, tucked, pulled, and lipo'ed so there is an element of peer pressure, and acceptance but for the most part she has done it for herself. My Mom hates aging. Despises it. Couple that with also never feeling pretty you have someone who definitely wants and is open to some help of a surgical nature. I feel lucky in some ways to have seen the pain these surgeries have caused her, but also the boost they give her to. I have had access to what the real deal is. It's an ugly process, and it comes with a lot of emotion, because you are in pain and you did it to yourself. She looks really natural, and beautiful, but I always have thought she was. Most importantly it makes her feel good about herself. It increases her confidence and it makes her own her face which I think she did not do before. She has distanced herself, been negative and always put down her face. She does not do this anymore. She also does not continue to modify herself. She dealt with the key issues that upset her and moved on. She talks about doing more lipo but I give her a hard time telling her to lay off the evening cocktails and get a trainer. She's running out of places for any fat to go, one day she is going to have some weird hump were she gains weight on her back or something.
I hate my excess skin. I love my body and accept it for the amazing thing that it is but I do not accept the skin. It's really trying to have done a lot of work and look like you are melting when the clothes come off. It affects me moving forward with dating, it affects my self esteem and it affects my self acceptance. I accept my body, I do not accept the skin. I also do not think I have to. I felt really bad before like hating the skin was hating myself. I also hated having this physical reminder of what I had done to myself. Do I think everyone should run off and get plastic surgery? No. Do I think it's something that should be investigated so you can move on and live your life? Yes. I do not think I should have to live the rest of my days with lots of skin and super weight loss traumatized boobs in order to be authentic, accept my body, or whatever you want to call it. Do I want to be perfect or have the perfect body? Not at all. I just want to be normalized. Even having the skin removed and putting me at some sort of baseline I am going to have scars and will have to deal with that the rest of my life. I can live with that. I can deal with the scars, I can not and will not accept not wearing a tank top the rest of my life because inches upon inches of skin hangs there. I refuse. I refuse for two reasons, 1. It's just unattractive and I am painfully self conscious about it and I am over feeling like I have to hide parts of my body, and 2. just like excess weight is something because it is seen people think they can comment on so are things like excess skin. I have had people say to me wow to have that sort of skin you must have been really big. It's like it's never really over, and at some point I want it over. I want to be able to move on from being over weight, and from losing weight, and my wings as I call them will make that tough to do.
For right now I am focused on getting to my goal weight and striving to be as lean as I can. Research says excess skin gravitates to muscle. Maybe I can avoid surgery by being lean, but I am not going to compromise my mental health on a quest to be too lean for me to healthily maintain. It's not the easiest riddle to solve. I can not be too obsessed or focused on it cause I could meltdown, but I also can not resign myself to it because then I meltdown. My choices are, see what being lean does, surgery, or accept it and move on. Right now I am contemplating the first two, maybe one day I'll contemplate the last. I am not going to hide in the surgery closet though. I have worked hard, done right by myself and body and will continue to do so. Sometimes plastic surgery is not about seeking perfection or rejecting who you are. It can be about realizing who you have always been but got in the way of.