My trainer Egon and I were chatting yesterday at the gym. Sadly I went to the gym to eat and hang with Avery and Michelle not to work out. I was much too tired after Saturday's shennanigans for that. Anyway he said wow you are really looking great. I said thanks and that it was pretty cool to start seeing potential and being better with not knowing where I would end up. I overall feel very differently about my body being a work in progress and have a different comfort level. It's still weird to discuss yourself with someone like it's the weather.
In regards to where I am ultimately going he said, "Well I know where you will end up, you don't need to, I do." I did not love that statement. My body my choice right? It's a tough balancing act of letting go and letting people do what they are supposed to do to help you and not getting in the way. Then he said, "I see you ending up shaped like Kim Kardashian." I immediately reacted, I said too big, too big, mostly about her booty I thought, but really it's about the exagerated nature of her figure. It's beautiful but not necessarily what I want or subscribe to me. For once I do not have a celebrity I am comparing myself to or chasing. I literally thought about it for a few minutes to counter his suggestion and couldn't. I just want to be me and be the best version of me I can, but I found how strongly I reacted to the Kim Kardashian reference a little weird.
I paused and thought about it though and thought it about it later. What set me off is her body is so highly sexualized. There is no toning that down. It is always pure curvy sexiness. I mean I've seen the girl in work out gear and she still looks amazing, and definitely sexy. I was not reacting so much to size, because whether she really is a size 2, 4, 6, or 30 I do not care. I think it was more the sex factor. It weirds me out. I have a hour glass shape, there's no fighting it but maybe I do not want to emphasize it so much or completely play to it. Something about that reference freaked me out and took me back to being 8-9 years old and the first girl to get boobs. It sent a message to the boys of 4th grade I was not meaning to send. I think I still struggle with the physical defining me. I do not want weight to, but I also do not want curves to define me as well. I plan on mentioning it to Marisa at tomorrow's morning session. I am sure she'll have some insight on the knee jerk reaction. I'm sure she will because she always does and that makes it easier to relax, not over analyze and know ultimately I do not have to look like anyone I do not want to.