Saturday, January 30, 2010

Feeling like a Failure when You're Not

I just read an interesting article about how people feel like failures while on a weight loss program not because they are not losing weight but because they are not losing as much as they want to. I have definitely been caught up in this game in the past. I aim to lose every week. That is always the goal. It doesn't always happen. I don't feel like a failure in that moment, but I do feel a little bit like I'm failing because I haven't "lost all the weight". I just did a rough calculation based on my starting weight and where I roughly think I am now and was astounded by my weight loss percentage. Astounded. I am many things but I am not a failure. Even at weight loss.

Friday, January 29, 2010

To my shock and amazement

I have been able to stop the night snacking. It is so encouraging and gives me such a sense of self satisfaction that few things bring. I think the real thing I learned here was to quit telling myself what I wanted and to listen to my body. My body actually does not want much, the mind boggles at all the extra calories I've told it that it wanted. Damn and blast, blast and damn, this sounds better said with a British accent.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Night Snacking...yes again...

I am on day 3 of no night snacking and no delicious sweet treats at night. It truly has not been as challenging as I expected. It certainly is not easy but it's not the impossibility I thought it would be. It is possible. Damn.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Attempting to not lose hope

I haven't lost weight in 3 weeks. At this point I have to accept this is not a one off. Something is amiss. I think it's that I am burnt out. Losing weight is hard this we know, but changing your entire life, habits, and doing for what you hope is a permanent gain is extremely draining. It is hard to stay motivated and keep yourself anchored in the positive and not feeling like it's all for naught and hopeless. I am please I go to that it's hopeless place far less often and for far less time. That is a positive I try not to lose sight of. I've lost a lot of weight, but more and most importantly in the year since I began this process I have changed in the ways that I wanted and never thought that I would. I though the rest of my days on this earth would be a revolving door of eating disorders and dysfunction, that much I have begun to permanently eradicate and could not be more excited about. This is a new week and will produce a new result forget the past three weeks and just keep moving forward one day, one meal at a time, that is truly doing my best and all I can do.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Really cute food journals

I am resigned to keeping a food journal. It really is for the best. No one really wants to right down a tremendous amount of food so it keeps me on the straight and narrow. Anyway the below are super cute AND you can personalize them. I'm on the fence about this, I think it would be semi-mortifying for someone to find my thoughts and obsessing on food and know exactly who I was but I would be happy to be reunited...ponder, ponder...

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The power of memory

I like to snack at night. A lot. I prefer to do this on my own and it be on the sweet side. I have been going cuckoo working with my nutritionist to figure out what significance the damn snacks have. Finally Marisa says, "What about your childhood?", "could it be related to that?" I am of the it's all about your childhood and in the same breath nothing about your childhood it's about who you are now variety. Yeah. It's a contradiction. I keep seeing it really is about your childhood in some cases. Anyway I had one of those moments where you remember something you did not even know you forgot. My Dad used to take my brother and I cruising, mostly on the weekends and would buy us treats we were not supposed to tell my momma about. This was also an international affair, I remember lemon tarts in Paris that were secrets, donuts in Georgia, and gelato in Italy that was not only a secret but breakfast. My Dad had a real pattern of not wanting to be the disciplinarian, so to further undermine my poor Momma it was also an undermining of the nutritional provisions my Momma worked so hard to provide. It would make sense I have an above average attachment to snacking when it's a memory I have of my dead father. Yeah maybe it is all about your childhood or just a love of secret snacks. Forbidden chocolate does always taste better.

The importance of not hating the skin your in

Every woman has a complicated relationship with her body. Mine has always been fraught with drama. I'm far from the prettiest girl in the room, but face wise I am pretty happy with what I've got. That's the mistake I made in the past, decided from the neck up I was okay but neck down oh no. Not a fan. I feel like my body and I have begun dating, we're both on our best behavior and learning a lot about one another. Someone told me around the way unless I accepted myself overweight I would never accept myself healthy. There is absolute truth to this. I think finally accepting and not hating every little thing about my body helped me start to build a relationship with it. I started to value it and through that process began to value myself more. Valuing myself has helped me have the energy, enthusiasm, and tenacity necessary to really overall myself and lifestyle. I truly believe otherwise I would still be on the sofa waiting for that miracle.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Portion vs. Serving

I read somewhere that the difference between a serving size and portion is this, a serving size is what is recommended nutritionally, a portion is what you decide to eat. I often feel caught between these two. I often intellectually agree with the serving size, but yummy is yummy and it's hard to stop eating. A real goal for me right now is staying away from any gate way drugs that I know full well I can not control the portion size of, or being vigilant about pre-portioning, especially things like dried fruit and nuts. The great thing about not dieting is you can eat what you want there are no rules, the terrible news is it is on you to monitor and control. I feel like I am still wearing floaties in the deep end of the pool on that front.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Fresh Direct

Just a quick post to say God bless Fresh Direct. Thank you for sparing me wandering grocery aisles aimlessly trying to make meals out of no pudge fudge brownie mix and capers.

Coconut M&M's= Night Snacking Fail

I truly believe dessert should follow every meal. It does not necessarily need to be fancy, but something sweet. The whole eat a piece or fruit or drink some tea only cuts it about 50% of the time. Last night I popped into the deli before going home to get cash, what's that I spot winking at me? A new candy I have yet to try. Clearly I have no choice but to purchase the coconut m&m's and see how they change my candy life. Clearly....What I take as a victory here is it didn't spin out of control resulting in me waking up in an alleyway with sugar crusted in the corners of my mouth. I may be learning a touch of this moderation thing. One day, one meal, one candy breakdown at a time....

Thursday, January 7, 2010

New Year, New Beginning, Blah Blah Blah

This has been an interesting year. I finally woke up got honest, decided against gastric bypass surgery and began to get healthy. None of this has been easy. Lots of this has been stressful and isolating. Who wants to say out loud the addiction I battle is food? It just feels so unspeakably lame. I have accepted if it takes a nutritional therapist then so be it, but I'm not entirely happy or thrilled about it. I have lost weight, started working out, and have begun to deconstruct the tangled web that is my relationship with food. These are all victories, but why do I still need a snack at night? Why does my mother still completely unglue me by asking what kind of diet can I be on if I can eat chocolate mousse despite the 10,000 times I have explained intuitive eating. It's all a work in progress, today's goal will be to make the healthiest decisions I can, and to not eat any feelings.