Last Wednesday I was given a gift. A very complicated one I have a lot of feelings about but a gift nonetheless. What was this gift? I lost my job. The company I worked for restructured and restructured me out. The decision was explained by financial streamlining. I am sure this is a factor but the real reason in my opinion is different. I no longer belonged there. I no longer fit. I no longer was growing, prospering or doing my best work. I was checked out, unsettled, and frustrated. I could list all the negatives, and dwell on it but it won't help me or really change anything.
I am freaked out by what lies ahead. I have never been unemployed. I have worked with a chunk of the people I just left for almost 9 years and the majority of my career. I have no idea what is before me. I do not completely think I grasp what has happened. I am still in shock. All of that being said I am so excited. I am so excited to be free. To be free of old dynamics, old habits, and old roles. I have no idea what lies ahead of me. What I do know is my eating has been healthier and more balanced then it has been for months. I have been totally overwhelmed by the kindness and support people have shown me. I am going to LA this weekend. In the meantime I am going to pick myself up, enjoy some downtime, and tackle the scariest thing on my plate what do I want to be when I grow up.
These past few months I have felt jealous of the people around me. Their lives moving forward, having changes, and evolving. It hit me recently what I was jealous of. Most of these people were actively making choices, acting on them and carrying them out. I was drifting. I kept saying oh I can't do that, or I wish. Careful what you wish for. My life is moving forward and I have the chance to decide where.