Thursday, January 3, 2013

Fool Me Once

A weird thing has been happening to me lately with the fellas. Not my usual garden variety weird, a new weird. Lately guys in either serious relationships, or engaged have been kicking it to me. The first time it happened I didn't think much about it, then it became a trend and then it culminated with a big New Years What. The. Hell.

So New Years....My friend Jugo and I made plans to go out with other friends to this delightful place in Brooklyn. A fella who I had never met prior was there. I thought he was there to be introduced to a guy friend of ours. Whoops. Seeing as he was not, but was also straight and had a girlfriend, I still didn't pay him that much mind, pleased to meet you moving on to revelry. Fast forward to us chatting, we definitely hit it off, got along, but I wasn't thinking much about it. Well, as the drinks flowed so did his flirting. Listen, I'm human so it's not like I was discouraging it at first because I thought it was harmless. We work in the same industry, we have similar interests, I thought it was more your oh how cool we've met who knew sorta interest. However, he really started to take it up a notch, saying things best not said when in a relationship, whispering in my ear, try to holding my hand, sneaking a New Years kiss on the lips after I had offered a cheek. He continued to up the ante. At this point I was giving some pushback. I mean 1. you have a girlfriend 2. you have a girlfriend, and 3. this is a waste of my time. I like an ego boost as much as the next person and my ego had been boosted. Enough. People with us, and friends of his insist on inviting his girlfriend to the after party. Mr. Charmypants was not thrilled with this development. I'm thinking dude, what did you think was going to happen? I can assure you, and him nothing. Even after her arrival he continues to flirt with me. At this point I'm just thinking he's either really drunk or really stupid, or both and he better stop because his girlfriend is taller then me and could probably clobber my ass.

I started thinking about this, and I'd love to write it off as him being gross, but the fact that this has happened to me many times in the past few months has gotten me thinking. In the past few months a guy has majorly flirted with me, tried to make plans, and not revealed they were either in a relationship or engaged. I usually found out from other people. This is weird to me. I mean if you're going to be friends isn't this info you share? At first I sort of wrote it off and was like hmph says more about them then me, but the fact that it's continued has me thinking maybe there is something to do with me.

I am flirty by nature, I like banter, I aim to be charming, this is not new information. I think in finding my way with dating however sometimes the taken men are a much safer playground for me. I know I am not going to cross a line. I have zero interest in someone who is already taken. That's gross and disrespectful. I mean I hesitate to accept a friend's boyfriends friend request on facebook unless they know. I do however wonder if sometimes I am more at ease, less guarded, and could be perceived as more flirtatious with these guys not meaning to be. I know nothing is going to happen, I try not to be that girl who if you have a girlfriend I walk away as if you're useless to me, but they don't know that. Taken men are people to, but I have to change playgrounds.

When it comes to the fellas I have been trying to clean house. No guy friends who I slip into the faux boyfriend state with, no guys who I don't really like but boost my ego, no guys who I am talking myself into, so now I think I have to add no guys who act like they're single but they're not. It's just not good enough, what I'm after, and it makes me feel icky. I am not a harlot out for other ladies' men and have to do my own part in not making it seem that way.


  1. I was resistant at first to the idea that you might play any part in this game, but perhaps you're right. Being less guarded and more at-ease could definitely be read as flirtatious by some men. I would just caution you against taking on too much of the blame. I mean, do you REALLY think you're sending out mixed signals? Some guys are just creepy, especially around the holidays and NYE.

  2. Samara- I think where I share some blame is two part, 1. not considering how I could be misread by having my guard down, I should stay a little more aware and 2. when it gets weird I go silent. I am usually so what the f**ck, that I don't say eww gross step away sir, or remove myself from the situation, and I don't want to cause trouble. Especially when it's a social setting, I'm like everyone's having fun, I don't wanna be like hey your friend's a major creeper save me. I think I need to be better about that, either removing myself, calling them out, or just in some way speaking up.