I think often I confuse discipline with deprivation. I get very protective over my food, routines, and resist changing them. I immediately fear feeling deprived or like I am on a diet. I use this fear as a way to delay change. Oh I dunno if I give that up I might react poorly. Fear isn't reality and if I don't try it I'll never really know now will I. Holding myself accountable and being honest about my intake is not the same as being deprived. I mean lets be real I want for nothing, what baby wants, baby gets. I am quite possibly the furthest thing from deprived. I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, but I think I do not push myself hard enough to find out what my limits really are. I stay safe in my routines, I draw my lines in the sand of I am NOT willing to part with x. I really have no idea if this is the truth or what I want anymore. Is dark chocolate at night really worth more to me then feeling strong, healthy, and comfortable in my body? Am I really gaining or winning anything by holding on to these things? I think not.
I went shopping recently and got so frustrated by my reflection. Not because of my weight, or my body shape, but because of lumps and bumps. I immediately would think about what shapewear I could bust out to alter my reflection, what layers could I work in to skim over what I did not like, and what annoyed me most is I have the power and ability to alter that reflection. I do have the skills and capability to get rid of that back fat that drives me bananas. What I am lacking is the discipline. I know all to well how this all works and yet I just ignore that key piece of information.
I'm worn out for sure, but I think what I am worn out mostly from is treading water. It's the soothing of myself that where I am is okay and don't get me wrong it is. I like myself, I like my body, I value it, I think both me and my form are pretty cool, but I don't have the energy to pretend like I'm done, or completely satisfied with it.
That being said so far what I am going to try is bringing my lunch to work so I know exactly what I am eating, and I stepped up my training to 3 times a week. I want to push myself to think more in terms of discipline and what is a pro-goal and pro-me choice and not immediately default to feeling deprived. I am not a child at the dinner table anymore who's mom is saying do you really need that? There's no judgement or rules, so I cannot lose sight of my goals and what I want for myself because of old baggage. Discipline's voice can be louder then baggage's.