Friday, October 10, 2014

So Much Vision So Much Quest

It's been just over a month since I went to Utah but it feels a lot longer. Utah was really amazing. I highly suggest everyone takes a solo mission. It's pretty cool. I loved seeing that part of the country and being in the desert. One of my favorite things was walking at night about a mile to a canyon near the hotel to watch the sunset. Then I would just sit on the bike path and think, write, take photos whatever. The absolute quiet was really amazing. In New York you rarely have space or quiet having an abundance of both was a gift.

Life's been pretty a-okay. I am trying to worry less about some things and worry more about others. I haven't really worried about my weight in a long time and I am making myself think more about that. If I were happy where I am I would just chill and not worry about it. I am not though. I am not happy with where I am. For lots of reasons. Being alone in Utah I realized how much more this break up had upset me because of it stirring old wounds then it being about him. I've been examining some of that stuff. It's hard, and it's emotional. I saw a shaman while I was there for a life path reading and sound healing. It was one of the most amazing and profound experiences I have had. She made me connect with my inner child, really imagine she was in front of me, and interact with her and I almost lost my shit. This is the kind of thing I would usually laugh at, maybe throw an eye roll in was intense. Betina the shaman said a lot of things that were helpful and resonated with me. She said, " I get this sense that you're in a pool and it's not that you don't like it but you want to get out. Maybe lots of kids have gotten in there, maybe you've just had enough, but you're ready to climb out." That is probably one of the best ways of describing how I feel.

It's not that I don't like where or who I am, I just want to climb onward. I know I can't without resolving some of that stuff I still struggle to connect with. I guess part one of resolving it is being open to it. Open to exploring it and not being afraid. I've been doing reiki as well which I HUGELY enjoy and suggest to everyone. It is super cool and helpful. If you struggle with old emotions, seriously, explore reiki.

I'm also taking a writing class which I am loving but I'm mining my life for content and it stirs things up. I feel stirred up and not sure what to do with it. I want to be healthy, but more I want to move forward. I've gained some clarity and feel like more is around the corner because I am defining what I want. I called it a vision quest as a joke, but maybe I did get some vision, but left with a lot of quest.


  1. OMG, I can really relate to your whole post. I have never been to Utah, though, but it sounds like it was an amazing journey.

    I went to a retreat in July where there were no phones, no television, and no contact with the outside world. I did a lot of self-reflection there and realized a lot of things that kind of scared me regarding my life and, in particular, my family relationships.

    Since I have been back from the retreat, I have struggled with figuring out how to incorporate what I learned with my everyday life. My relationship with my family is not great right now; to be honest, I realized at the retreat that it has never been great in that it has been toxic and full of secrecy. Now, it is probably more openly not great, but at least I am not pretending anymore that it is something it is not.

    All of this is to say that I get where you are coming from. The last line of your post really resonated with me.

    The retreat stirred up a lot for me too and I am still trying to process it. Being open to it, as you said, is what I am trying to do. This is hard stuff, though, and behaving in new ways (e.g., setting boundaries with my family) is a huge challenge for me. One step at a time, right?

    I am excited about your journey. :) I hope you can share more, if it would help.

  2. Happy to see you back :) I was curious about your trip to Utah, and am really excited on how much I can relate to you not only with your journey with food and life in general but also your spirituality.
    Reiki is awesome, I was certified a few years ago and haven't delved in it for quite some time.

    Thanks for reminding me that there are alternatives, good ones at that for inner peace.
    Can't wait to read more.


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