Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Training Wheels Are Coming Off

I've been a little blue the past few days. I thought or hoped it was boy related but oh no could not be that simple. Before I could full on launch the pity party I saw Marisa today. Much of what is going on is I am learning to love myself. Uhm if it's love why does it not feel so good? This is a great thing and one I feel awesome about but the down side is I feel more then I did before because I do not run from the feelings. It's nice not to be dismissive or to be numb but it is tough. One thing I am having a hard time with is it looks like I am plateauing and my weight is not changing much and immediately my mood shifted with this realization. How I feel about myself is still intertwined with my weight on some level. I thought I was beyond this. I also thought one day this would be done, over, there would be an end. I realize better now there is no end. There will never be a time I do not have to take care of myself and be vigilant about my well being. I can want an end to being weight loss focused but there is never moment when you are done worrying about you. It's when you aren't that you start eating feelings and doing other harmful behavior.

It never fails that I arrive to see Marisa confused, upset, or just otherwise off and feel so much better leaving. She does not say anything magical, or tell me everything is going to be alright but she better helps me navigate and her confidence and assurance that this is all apart of a larger process helps me not lose sight of my place within it. I am being a little emotionally bombarded because I am spending more time alone at home without distraction, and I am plateauing so the focus is on me not the weight loss. This is where stuff comes up. Every time stuff comes up I take away a great lesson. I also can not have it reinforced to me enough there are so many accomplishments outside of the scale.

Marisa is going on vacation for two weeks and some of my homework is super pleasant! I get to make healthy goals non-weight loss related, woo hoo, and I have to think which I can do. The other big thing is I have to weigh myself. Twice. All by myself. Marisa was pleasantly surprised I think to learn I had actually followed her advice and thrown my scale out. I have not weighed myself in almost 2 years. I also have not really known what I weigh. We operate on an up, down, same system. I have asked her to tell me when I get below x tell me please, and at one point did learn where I was and where I began. I am nervous but excited. I feel like if I had ever had a driver's license it would be like being given the keys to the car. I think despite the upset of potential plateau it is really important I am held accountable for two weeks. The number does not matter I have goals to set, things, to do and self investment to make but I know how quickly I can hide from myself and getting off that scale would be one way to do it. Wish me luck, hopefully there is no meltdown around the corner!

Wow I'm Rude

I have new followers who I have neglected to welcome or say hello to. So sorry about that. Thank you for following!! Thank you for taking time out of your busy lives and days to read my musings. It means more to me then I could ever really explain.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Oh Great An Eating Holiday

Maybe it's because I lived abroad for years where there wasn't a Thanksgiving or because my own family just wanted devout about celebrating it but I am not a huge Thanksgiving person. It's a great idea in theory a day of reflecting on what you are thankful for. Big fan of that. What I am a little less a fan of is a day dedicated to eating. I celebrate it with my mom and brother so it being the three of us makes the food volume a lot lower. I have a lot to be thankful for as well. Below are some tips to keep Thanksgiving in check and healthy living going, and my own what I am thankful for list.


1. DO NOT GO TO THANKSGIVING HUNGRY, sorry to yell but this is super important. Do not for one second think I'll skip breakfast and lunch or whatever in order to make up for the calorie intake of the meal. This is a recipe for disaster. By the time you sit down to eat you're going to be super hungry and not stand a chance at eating a sensible meal.

2. Yay for lean protein! Take advantage of the turkey. Try to eat it skinless and enjoy it.

3. Try to load up on vegetables and fruits first if you can. If you put veggies on your plate first then you have less room for starch.

4. Eat what you enjoy, just try to be smart about the portion.

5. Eat around your plate, don't go for what you love first. Eating around your plate helps you feel satiated quicker.

6. Eat slowly, it's not going anywhere and when you are full remove yourself from the food. Perfect time for a walk no?

7. Drink lots of water, stay hydrated just like any other day.

8. Use a smaller plate. Smaller plate smaller portions and give yourself permission to have seconds.

9. Do you need everything? If you love mac and cheese, and sweet potatoes do you need a roll? Lets face it you're going to be full. The roll, cheese plate, relish tray whatever may not be necessary.

10. If you are really afraid of what your options may be, bring something! Introduce your family to something new and cover your own bases.

Thankful List:

1. I am thankful for my amazing team of support and the continued education, guidance and support they give me.

2. I am thankful for embracing exercise and it not being a chore.

3. I am thankful for the amazing women who have come in to my life as of late. They are a continued source of inspiration and utter coolness.

4. I am thankful for having made lifestyle changes that have enriched my life in ways I am still unable to articulate properly. It goes so far beyond weight loss. The weight was never the problem it was the symptom.

5. I am thankful for alternative grains, sweet potatoes, almond milk, and dark chocolate.

6. I am SUPER thankful for having so many different outlets beyond food to cope with my life, including but not limited to this blog, and FitPerez.com.

7. I am thankful for really being okay with who I am and what I am about. It may have taken until 30 to embrace this but better late then never.

8. I am thankful I didn't have gastric not because there is anything in any way wrong with it but that I trusted it wasn't right for me. Listening to this voice changed my life in the best of ways.

9. Super excited about the way my communication and dialogue with my mom is evolving and growing. She'll never get it, but I love her for trying. She has never given up trying or lost hope I would figure my problems out. It's a comfort on tough days.

10. I am thankful to be living and functioning without an eating disorder for the first time in my life. I manage it now. It doesn't manage me and I decide how my life goes, what I eat, when I eat it, and how I feel about it the disorder doesn't.

Happy Holidays to everyone. LOTS-O-LOVE!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Plateau or Lazy-o?

I haven't really been on a super losing streak lately. I was not stressing too much about it until I was leaving Marisa's office on Tuesday discussing setting new goals and she said well lets get you out of this plateau first...uhm plateau? That's a scary word in any weight loss journey. Months ago when this really was not a realistic fear of mine, now closing in on the last legs of this journey it is. I truthfully do not think I have plateaued. I think I have not been holding myself as accountable as I should be. I have been trying out some new stuff balancing the social with the health and there's been some wine, missed work outs, short ribs and fun. I have not made mistakes per se but I have also not been 100% focused on losing weight. The good news is this is real life and what I am doing is a life style change not a diet. I have to find out where the traps lie and the good news is I haven't gained weight. Yay to that. This week was back to my more normal schedule so we'll see what the scale says in this debate. I am betting on living being the issue here not physical but who knows. I could be wrong. Certainly wouldn't be the first time in this process.

Another Lady Worthy of an Ode

I have a new logo courtesy of my friend Jen! Jen is a super talented designer/animator who does SUPER fabulous work. She also introduced me to Tina so I loves her a lot on multiple fronts. Check out her work at her site: http://popkern.tv/

Thursday, November 18, 2010



Thursday, November 11, 2010


When I first started working with Marisa I got lots of homework. Some was easy, or had the appearance of being easy and some was super scary and daunting. I have been cruising along lately. Dealing with things as they arise but nothing too kuh-razy going on. My sessions have been more geared towards refinements and pushing towards the end, and well just wherever we end up that week. Marisa continues to push me out of my comfort zones and this week I got two more assignments. Item #1 I have to work out at least three mornings a week. I had begun to do this a little on my own to try to balance the social and the wellness. It's tough. It takes planning, energy and time I do not always feel like I have. So far this week I have made it to the gym two mornings so it looks like I just might be able to do this. Item #2 was to eat dinner earlier and practice just being in my apartment. Not being frenetic, eating, or out avoiding home. I have to eat dinner earlier because generally I am not getting to it until 10pm. Part of this is schedule. I work long hours, and after the gym, dog pick up and dinner fixing it's 10pm. I have not done much to change this. Anything to avoid waking up early and working out. Getting out of my little bubble of wellness though I have had to incorporate the morning and the earlier dinner. I have returned to the outside world and for the most part I feel good about it, and not afraid of any weight gain implications but I do know I have to be vigilant. Tonight I have a party to attend and then it's home to bed to get to the gym tomorrow morning to make day 3 and first assignment complete.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


I'm a big Mark Bittman fan because he's a genius, anyone who publishes How To Cook Everything is not messing around, and because many of his evolving recipes are about embracing seasonal foods and clean eating. I assure you no flavor is lost at all in these methods if anything it's playing to it's strengths. So ditch the lean cuisine and make yourself something delicious. It's scary at first but totally worth it I swear and promise!

Garlicky Chard with Olives and Pine Nuts

Makes: 4 servings

Time: 40 minutes

Olives play a starring role in this dish, so quality really matters. Buy bulk olives if at all possible and see if you can find the glossy, deep black, shriveled oil-cured ones (taste one to make sure they’re good). You can use spinach, kale, cabbage, or even bok choy instead of the chard and, for extra richness, crumble a little feta cheese on top right before serving.

11⁄2 pounds chard

1⁄4 cup pine nuts

2 tablespoons olive oil

6 garlic cloves, sliced, or to taste

1⁄3 cup good-quality black or green olives, pitted and chopped

1⁄2 cup red wine or water

Salt and black pepper

1. Cut the leaves from the stems of the chard. Cut the leaves into wide ribbons and slice the stems (on the diagonal if you like); keep the leaves and stems separate.

2. Put the pine nuts in a large skillet over medium-low heat. Toast the nuts, shaking the pan and stirring often, until just starting to turn golden brown, 5 to 10 minutes. Remove the nuts from the pan. Put the oil in the skillet and heat for 1 minute. Add the garlic and cook, stirring, until soft, golden, and fragrant, about 10 minutes.

3. Turn the heat to medium and stir in the chard stems and olives. Cook, stirring occasionally, until the stems soften a bit, just a minute or 2. Add the chard leaves, wine, and a sprinkling of salt and pepper. Raise the heat to medium-high and cook, stirring, until the chard leaves are wilted and most of the liquid has evaporated, about 5 minutes. Stir in the pine nuts and taste and adjust the seasoning. Serve hot or at room temperature.

Another Ode to Tina

Tina's blog has had me inspired to quit being a baby, lady up and get my cook on. She works in the same industry so if she can find the time so can I. The only downside I have found to intuitive eating is if you are like me and pressed to find time to cook, but supposed to be listening to your body for cues you reach an impasse. I have been veggie mad lately. Specifically kale, brussel sprouts, and swiss chard. I have no idea why but that's what I have wanted. Real. Bad. I stumbled across this Mark Bittman recipe for swiss chard and finally got my lazy act together and made myself a delicious dish I have all week. Recipe below and pictures of my cooking adventure as well. How pretty is rainbow swiss chard?! I definitely think it tasted far better then if I had ordered it because I appreciated the time and energy it took and found it after a weekend of working quite relaxing. the next time I make this I would probably use less olives or change the type and I would reduce the olive oil. You are gaining fat from the pine nuts and the olives so 2 tablespoons of olive oil despite how many servings it yields is a bit much for me, but if you love olive oil keep it as is.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Best. Date. Ever.

I have been doing a lot of new things. New classes, meeting new people, trying new schedules, new, new, new. One of my newer friends/co-workers and I were talking about the FitPerez videos and she mentioned a friend of hers who had lost over 100 pounds on her own. Before I could even think I said I have to meet her, or at least talk to her. Seriously I didn't think, hesitate or question if this was weird. I knew I had to speak to this woman. Jen being the lovely lady she is gave Tina my email and a friendship was born. I can not put into words still two weeks later what at first emailing and then meeting Tina was like. From the very first email I was thought I love this girl, she gets it, we have so much in common, and we speak the same language. Poor Jen was getting bothered by me every few minutes relaying how much I loved Tina from the get go. Tina and I set a evening to meet and share our stories. I could not have been more excited, best blind date ever.

Never has a dinner been so epic for me. Tina lost 155 pounds. I am going to say that again 1-5-5 pounds. She not only lost 155 pounds which is phenomenal, but she has kept it off for 8 years and wait for it....she did it on her own. I literally still am just in awe of her. I have had a nutritionist, trainer, acupuncture you name it on Team Weight loss, and while I feel like I have done a good share of the work I have far from done it alone. I literally can not wrap my mind around it. Tina is an amazing person beyond her weight related achievements.

It was so cool to talk to someone who has also wrestled with what weight loss brings to your life beyond new clothes. There is so much that feels like navigating puberty or something again. Marisa is a tremendous support for me and I do feel like I can discuss anything with her, but at the end of the day she is my nutritionist. It was such a huge relief, and just overwhelming experience to speak to someone, my age, in my industry who has done the same thing. Beyond losing weight we also have a striking amount of similarities. We both favor a strong lipstick color and are striving to move beyond identifying outside of our weight, in terms of gain or loss and enjoy the term of endearment love dove. We spent about 4 hours just talking. We both were brutally honest and probably revealed more then we ever intended but at this point what do you have to lose? I've spent way too long not being honest about my self destructive dysfunctional behavior to hide it from someone else anymore. Especially someone else who might actually understand and have some advice. My friends who I love dearly just do not understand the ins and outs of it and I get that, and appreciate it but to be able to say something to someone and have it understood and completely related to left me both emotionally drained and euphoric. I told both Tina and Jen prior to meeting Tina for dinner, if Jen had not vouched for existence I would think I had made her up and was meeting myself for dinner.

We covered a host of things, how we ended up where we are at, the past, the present what we hope for the future, you name it. I am so happy to have met Tina, and hope we do continue our friendship and think we will. I am also so happy to have been open and honest and revealing as my true self. When you have an eating disorder and are in throes of it you are very much consumed by protecting that disorder and way of what life. It's what you know and how you operate and it's how you cope with life. I no longer cope or try to control my life through my relationship with food but that does not make life any easier. I am resolved not to go backwards and go back to old habits but it is so nice to know there is someone out there I can talk to who gets it. I have had lots of life experiences which have distanced me from my peers, I lived abroad, lost a parent young, and a few others but my point is this is not unfamiliar territory to me. I thought the eating disorders were similar another thing to add to the I am not like everyone else I know pile. I don't think I had realized that for many of these things there are positives and I do have a sense of peace about them, but this one I did feel lonely. I started this blog as an outlet for coping with that and what I keep learning is if I put myself out there I do get support back. It's when I shut down that the negative happens. Had I filtered myself or second guessed myself and not said to Jen I have to meet her, I would not have received one of the best compliments of my life from Tina, and I quote, "You cracked my wall with your intelligence and grace and epic spirit." That's some awesome stuff right there and wonderful to have in my back pocket on the darker days.

Tina beyond being awesome, gorgeous, smart, funny and I could go on is quite the writer. I highly recommend her blog and because I am starting to cook more I can't wait to try one of her recipes. Blog is: http://nomnomsforeveryone.tumblr.com/

We should all be so lucky to meet really great wonderful people as an adult.


Yoga for me had been more a thing I wanted to say I did but didn't really want to do. It really intimidated me because I imagined classes full of ladies with super awesome bodies. I met Melissa Von Ludwig in the locker room of my gym and she has become a great friend and also my yoga ambassador. I told her I did really want to try yoga beyond tapes at home, but was really scared.

Melissa and I had one of those rare instant friendships. We just clicked, and she said I am a fan of the class here on Saturday mornings I will go with you this Saturday. This was such a win win for me, I had someone I felt super comfortable with and I had to show up. Showing up is half the battle for real. When I actually make myself do something it is charming to see that it's not at all as scary as it was in my mind and overall I am an extremely capable person. In the physical activity realm I have found saying to myself I can do anything for a minute, 30 seconds, an hour whatever the time is when I start to panic is very calming. Once I got over being a yoga newbie and started to be able to grow from it I learned a lot of important lessons. Yoga helped me with body image, like strength training it helped me focus on what my body could do and not what it looked like. Melissa who has done yoga for eons praised my flexibility and told me of her own struggles being an avid cyclist with tight hamstrings. It helped me stop comparing myself to other people and start owning my own body and practice. I look at other people in class if I get lost, but I don't look to them as a comparison. We all have our own strengths, weaknesses and histories that inform your capabilities.

Yoga also helped quiet what I refer to as the worried voice I was in a place where I was just starting to trust the new skills I was learning. I was just sort of moving to life beyond disordered eating, and recovery and identifying myself with those two things. I was worried all the time about relapse, about unhealthy behaviors creeping back in. Yoga helped me quiet that voice and appreciate the present and focus on what I can do in the present. I can not get to the size I want to be tomorrow, but what can I do right now. More importantly how can I best enjoy my life? The best thing about leaving disordered eating behind is all the time you regain. I have regained portions of my brain that were entirely devoted to eating, dieting, worrying about my size, and a whole host of other food/weight related topics. This section of my brain I have regained control of and I focus now on not aspiring to be cured because I never will, but the best way I can manage this to keep that section for me and what I want to use it for. If you want to heal, or change in a way that is beyond a hair color you have to humble yourself and let go of a lot of your ego.

A yoga instructor said to the class once, "Yoga is not about gratifying the ego, it's about gratifying the body, and it should not feel comfortable, if you are pushing yourself and doing things which will make you see change it should not be comfortable or easy." These are some wise words which can be applied to a lot of aspects of weight loss. Are you working out for your ego or your body? Are you comfortable but frustrated you are not seeing changes? These are things you have to be vigilant about. It never gets easy, and it's never comfortable, but the great news is the confidence you gain learning these new skills giving you the ability to cope and thrive in the challenges and discomfort.

Thank you to Melissa for bringing yoga and spinning into my life and for doing the FitPerez.com video with me! She is a fabulous teacher, friend, and all around person. She is also a practicing vegan and has a unique approach to educating people on her vegan ways, so check out her site: http://site.themeatyvegan.com/