I've been a little blue the past few days. I thought or hoped it was boy related but oh no could not be that simple. Before I could full on launch the pity party I saw Marisa today. Much of what is going on is I am learning to love myself. Uhm if it's love why does it not feel so good? This is a great thing and one I feel awesome about but the down side is I feel more then I did before because I do not run from the feelings. It's nice not to be dismissive or to be numb but it is tough. One thing I am having a hard time with is it looks like I am plateauing and my weight is not changing much and immediately my mood shifted with this realization. How I feel about myself is still intertwined with my weight on some level. I thought I was beyond this. I also thought one day this would be done, over, there would be an end. I realize better now there is no end. There will never be a time I do not have to take care of myself and be vigilant about my well being. I can want an end to being weight loss focused but there is never moment when you are done worrying about you. It's when you aren't that you start eating feelings and doing other harmful behavior.
It never fails that I arrive to see Marisa confused, upset, or just otherwise off and feel so much better leaving. She does not say anything magical, or tell me everything is going to be alright but she better helps me navigate and her confidence and assurance that this is all apart of a larger process helps me not lose sight of my place within it. I am being a little emotionally bombarded because I am spending more time alone at home without distraction, and I am plateauing so the focus is on me not the weight loss. This is where stuff comes up. Every time stuff comes up I take away a great lesson. I also can not have it reinforced to me enough there are so many accomplishments outside of the scale.
Marisa is going on vacation for two weeks and some of my homework is super pleasant! I get to make healthy goals non-weight loss related, woo hoo, and I have to think which I can do. The other big thing is I have to weigh myself. Twice. All by myself. Marisa was pleasantly surprised I think to learn I had actually followed her advice and thrown my scale out. I have not weighed myself in almost 2 years. I also have not really known what I weigh. We operate on an up, down, same system. I have asked her to tell me when I get below x tell me please, and at one point did learn where I was and where I began. I am nervous but excited. I feel like if I had ever had a driver's license it would be like being given the keys to the car. I think despite the upset of potential plateau it is really important I am held accountable for two weeks. The number does not matter I have goals to set, things, to do and self investment to make but I know how quickly I can hide from myself and getting off that scale would be one way to do it. Wish me luck, hopefully there is no meltdown around the corner!