It's been just over a month since I went to Utah but it feels a lot longer. Utah was really amazing. I highly suggest everyone takes a solo mission. It's pretty cool. I loved seeing that part of the country and being in the desert. One of my favorite things was walking at night about a mile to a canyon near the hotel to watch the sunset. Then I would just sit on the bike path and think, write, take photos whatever. The absolute quiet was really amazing. In New York you rarely have space or quiet having an abundance of both was a gift.
Life's been pretty a-okay. I am trying to worry less about some things and worry more about others. I haven't really worried about my weight in a long time and I am making myself think more about that. If I were happy where I am I would just chill and not worry about it. I am not though. I am not happy with where I am. For lots of reasons. Being alone in Utah I realized how much more this break up had upset me because of it stirring old wounds then it being about him. I've been examining some of that stuff. It's hard, and it's emotional. I saw a shaman while I was there for a life path reading and sound healing. It was one of the most amazing and profound experiences I have had. She made me connect with my inner child, really imagine she was in front of me, and interact with her and I almost lost my shit. This is the kind of thing I would usually laugh at, maybe throw an eye roll in but....it was intense. Betina the shaman said a lot of things that were helpful and resonated with me. She said, " I get this sense that you're in a pool and it's not that you don't like it but you want to get out. Maybe lots of kids have gotten in there, maybe you've just had enough, but you're ready to climb out." That is probably one of the best ways of describing how I feel.
It's not that I don't like where or who I am, I just want to climb onward. I know I can't without resolving some of that stuff I still struggle to connect with. I guess part one of resolving it is being open to it. Open to exploring it and not being afraid. I've been doing reiki as well which I HUGELY enjoy and suggest to everyone. It is super cool and helpful. If you struggle with old emotions, seriously, explore reiki.
I'm also taking a writing class which I am loving but I'm mining my life for content and it stirs things up. I feel stirred up and not sure what to do with it. I want to be healthy, but more I want to move forward. I've gained some clarity and feel like more is around the corner because I am defining what I want. I called it a vision quest as a joke, but maybe I did get some vision, but left with a lot of quest.