You know when you sorta suspect something but you just don't want to deal with it? Yeah...that was what I had been doing with my weight. As in the actual number. I knew I was up a little, I knew some clothes were a little tighter, but I had no clue what the number was.
This past weekend when my friend was in town I got clobbered by being sick. We ended up at urgent care on Saturday. Everyone's NY hotspot. They weighed me. I saw. I weigh approximately 17-22 pounds more then I thought. I was shocked. I have two alert numbers. I am past both. I am higher then I have probably been in at least a year and a half if not two. The good news is part of how the denial happened is my body hasn't not changed that much because my exercise regime has stayed rigorous. How annoying though. If I actually gave my 100% I might have been pleasantly surprised by the number instead of wanting to burst into tears.
I know it does not define me and it's not really the number that bothers me. What bothers me is the shock I felt was VERY similar to when a friend talked me into going to Weight Watchers with him pre-nutritionist, and I weighed 20 pounds more then I thought and it was over 300 pounds. My worst fear is to blink and be back there. What it stirred for me is that fear. If I don't stay vigilant I will slip back but living vigilant isn't really living. I am tired of feeling punished. I am tired of constantly having to do more. I am tired of feeling like I will never get there wherever that is.
While there is a lot I could do differently I work pretty hard at being healthy. I work out a minimum of 5 days a week doing cardio on my own, I work with my trainer 3 days, I make it to yoga 1 day a week, I prepare my lunches that are under 500 calories, I pack my snacks often fruit or veggie based, I make healthy dinners and yet it's not enough. I eat out 1-2 times a week, I drink alcohol 1-2 times a week, and I eat dark chocolate or some sort of sweet either at lunch or dinner but not both meals. I hardly feel like how I live, eat, and behave should have resulted in a 20 pound weight gain. It feels so unfair and frustrating. I however look at small things and do not look at the overall picture. An extra glass of wine here, a workout cut by 15 minutes here, a few cookies there, it all adds up. Every day you have to be aware of your choices. Every day.
I refuse to live my life on a diet. Refuse. It messes with my head and leaves me unhappy. How do you pursue weight loss goals, but lose diet mentality and not feel ruled by calories, portions and choices? How do you find balance? I have no idea. My therapist told me to think of now in order to move forward as temporary. Is it really? I really struggle to accept that I won't live the rest of my life hyper vigilant or exhausted by that vigilance. That there is some in between.
I'm bummed about the number but not hugely surprised. I also feel better knowing what it is. Knowing it, I can address it. It forced me out of denial. It forced me to look at some of my patterns and behaviors that have been warning signs, that I ignored. It also made me get real about some other stuff. I'm not really dating and I don't really want to. I don't feel good about myself right now and I dabble in some things to try to distract from that. I deactivated my profiles and it felt good. A big relief, like knowing the number in some ways. I was no longer hiding.
I also have to clean up some other areas of my life. I have hung on to some relationships that I don't think I really need anymore. I get worried, much like I do about moving forward about what will happen. If I dare to just not be nice anymore. Not saying I would be actively mean, but continuing to put energy into relationships that your heart and interest are not in anymore seems a lot more mean then letting them fade out. In other ones, I have a big ole question of how does this serve me? or what do I get out of this? One of them, not a damn thing and I have to walk away. It's rough, but this person is reckless and makes me feel bad about myself. I struggle enough to keep my head above low self esteem water I don't need help falling under.
All of this swirling makes me think May will be a month I try, best I can to focus on self improvement. Not from a place of who and what I am now not being good enough, but where and what do I want to do. It's really easy to get distracted from yourself, your goals, and wants. I actively allow it and I am not sure why. I guess I want to keep chipping at that reason I get so consistently in my own way.