Monday, August 23, 2010

When Being Mouthy is a Good Thing

I have a dear friend who is incredibly smart, motivated, and not afraid to tell you it like it is. I was speaking to her Saturday just catching up and we started discussing weight gain, American food culture, and emotional eating. She came from the viewpoint that it's about education. I am what I would consider well educated. My parents hugely believed in education and when it came to my brother and I they invested in our educations. My mom also bless her heart did her best to teach me good nutrition, no snack food, excess sugar, everything made from scratch was how I grew up. So how did I end up morbidly obese? My brain is whacked is the simplest answer. Somewhere along the way my wires got crossed and weight gain was the symptom not the problem. Food became my voice and outlet, it was how I controlled the conversation of what I could not say. Discussing this with my friend and explaining to her how it is not about nutritional education so much as it is disordered eating led her to urge me to speak on a larger platform about this. I wish more people knew there were more resources out there beyond gastric by pass and diets. There is a way to change your life and gain control of your eating habits, this is attainable. Now I just have to use my mouthy ways and gift of the gab to channel my passion for this topic into another arena. I will have to be public about all this which is scary, but I think it is something I am ready for. I will never completely leave this journey behind, but as I move forward I can direct the conversation and how I do that can be not identifying as overweight or feeling embarrassed about my past, but trying to help others who may want to do something similar as me.

Monday, August 16, 2010

The good news is I didn't feel fat

The bad news is my face decided to make me look like a bucket of water had just been thrown in my face. Dating is stressful. I was feeling okay, not too nervous, and had already talked myself off several ledges, and then epic face sweat of 2010 occurs. Your body always has to betray you somehow doesn't it? A year or two ago because of having a practically crippling case of self consciousness, this would have totally shut me down. Just reliving it for a second in my head would have just made me want to rock in the fetal position, but now all I can do is laugh and hope maybe somewhere he has a penchant for girls who face sweat when nervous.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Houston we have a Meltdown

I do not recommend melting down at 9am in the morning at your nutritionist's office. It makes you one sleepy so and so the rest of the day. The session started well and then I was a blubbering mess. I spent most of last week in my head, but then when I started talking things out with Marisa the tears came. I am so overwhelmed right now by the concept and idea of moving beyond defending, explaining, and apologizing, for my weight. I think dating has brought this up because it's already a pretty awkward and uncomfortable thing and it just brings your insecurities front and center. My weight has classically been a big insecurity of mine. Looks like this has not changed as much as I would like. I have made progress, grown and changed, but there are some demons still lurking in the shadows. I have to focus on the simple task of defining myself outside of my body, and appearance. Sounds simple right? It's one place to start. In the meantime I am going to stock up on waterproof eye make up to avoid the Tammy Faye Baker look. On a good note, I did lose three pounds despite being muddled and anxiety ridden because allowing myself to work through raw unpleasant emotions is neutralizing food. That is a nice trade off. I am eating well and intuitively far more productively then before. It's 100 degrees out but I am eating roasted vegetables right now because it's what I want. That is a downside to intuitive eating. My dog looks at me like really? Really? It's not hot enough we need the oven on, but I have learned the lesson that if it's what you want then it's what you should have. I wish some of the emotional lessons were as easy. I want to move forward not identify with weight, disordered eating, or insecurities, but it's not as easy as preheating an oven.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

I do not care for the word big

I do not like the word big, unless it is followed by cupcake or cookie. My I suppose I will be charitable and assume well meaning brother used this in regards to me. I was telling my brother that dipping my toes into dating again was bringing some of my fears back to the surface and that while I am curvy dating makes me feel fat. He says...well you are a big woman. Excuse me? I thought I might have just heard you refer to me as big. I would rather hear fat then big. I have no idea why. I think it's because there is no subtlety to big, an absence of femininity it's like your a lady blob or something. I am a tallish girl, 5'8" and I am already sensitive to this. I will not ever be all that small. I have stayed in my head a lot this week mulling all this over. What was it about an offhand remark that made me have such a whiplash reaction? Is it being sensitive to the word? Unfortunately I think the truth is I have made great leaps and strides in accepting my body and growing to quite like it but we are still in very new territory for me and I still have a lot of work to do, my default inclination is to turn against myself and highlight flaws instead of embracing them. Dating is weird and awkward this we know but what I have to examine is what is harder to deal with, someone rejecting me for my weight or for who I am? I have worked a lot on who I am and redefining this, and it's scary to think that age old loophole of it's my weight isn't really there anymore. I also have to truly start to see and believe that I offer far more then my appearance and weight. I think as good as I feel about myself I do have my own reservations and I project this on to men. I do not know why, I do not know why I identify so strongly with my weight, but I do know now I have some new things to keep working on. Marisa will tell me you have to stop x,y and z, and what I am finally realizing is yes she is right and I do understand that I have to take weight off the table for discussion, or see I offer more then my appearance, but I think the first step is resolving to actually do this rather then saying I do not know how. There have been lots of things I did not know how to do when I started seeing Marisa, but when I was honest and said intellectually I understand what you are saying but I stumble here, or hit a wall there we were able to break it down and work through it. This is just another wall.