Lately I feel daunted. I feel like I am not going where I want to go and I feel more scared to direct myself where I need to be. I feel like a boldness I had before is no longer with me. I wonder if the boldness was ever really me. Lately I think a lot about being mindful. Eating mindfully, and living mindfully. Trying to be in the present and make decisions without judgement or thoughts of others. It's hard yo. It also grounds you in a way that I don't think I really have been before. I think a lot of the boldness I had before wasn't really legit. It might have had some good results on occasion but really it was a way of not dealing with feelings I had. I would fake it until I felt it. It makes it tricky now to know how to move forward. Old boldness out, so what's in? I dunno, but I do have try to make some moves because once I am doing something I am usually okay with it and the anxiety dissipates. It's the lead up that does my head in and makes me have the stress sweats. Not a good look.
So what did I do, or what am I doing? Well I saw my doctor on this week who is AWESOME and she gave me a prescription for some sleepy times. I was hesitant to do this, like what if she thinks I am a degenerate, or I bet tomorrow I'll be better, but then I thought no I am not sleeping and it's not getting better I am going to ask for some help. She gave me 10 pills and made me feel a lot better. She's like I bet your anxiety is getting a little out of control it's what happens when your sleep is disturbed. I have had 2 solid night's sleep and do feel a lot better and a decrease in the free floating anxiety.
I also signed up for this, which I am SUPER excited about. A friend of mine was going with me but had to back out today. I think I am going to challenge myself to go it alone. Have a solo adventure. I also reached out to another friend about working together, and we had a lovely glass of wine and swapped ideas and feelings of being stuck in our careers. It made me feel about a thousand times better. A friend I don't know that well but have a "feeling" about I reached out to about collaborating. I just think he and I are supposed to work together. I have no idea why, but you know what instead of judging or defending it I am just going for it.
You know when nature is about to get crazy and all the animals are upset or restless? I wonder in some ways if a life storm is coming my way and my subconscious is like LOOK ALIVE LADY. I can't know right now, but I can reassure myself one step in front of the other every is going to be okay. It usually is, and if it isn't what am I going to do about it? Can't stop it, can't prevent it, and I can't stay here so I need to make some moves and see what happens.