Thursday, June 27, 2013

But How?

I find myself asking how a lot. I know what I want to learn or do, what I don't know is how. I was getting my therapy on, and Christina said something that I thought was brilliant and worth sharing. In fact I busted out my phone to make sure I recorded it exactly how she said it. Drumroll... "Self-esteem is built through mastery of skill." Very simple statement, but a lot of truth in it.

Lately I have been holding myself more accountable for what happens to me. Seems obvious, but I think often we get caught up in reacting. We also get caught up in figuring out and questioning other people's reasons and motives. They don't really matter. What matters is not making someone else's nonsense make you feel bad about yourself. This is something I think I have to improve on. I say if I was thinner, prettier, smart they wouldn't treat me that way. I take other people's thoughtless actions as a way to hold on to my own negative self beliefs. I'm like see, you're silly to think you're awesome, if you were awesome this wouldn't happen. That's total crap and a good way to keep yourself safe. Keep yourself near what you know and safe from the disappointment and risk of looking for more. Asking for more will get me more, and help me believe I deserve more, not just sticking with what I know.

I did this recently with a friend. His behavior had not been awful but another friend put it into perspective for me when he said but do you want to be that girl. I really didn't. I did not want to be "that girl" and I realized but acting like I was okay with the behavior, and not speaking up and just reacting I was being "that girl." This is platonic sleepover man. He is ridiculously hot. I mean stupid hot but you know what he wasn't offering me anything and sleeping over was not making me feel good. The first time I was like what is this, the second time um okay don't rock the boat go with it. I realized afterwards though that his behavior was tapping into some old wounds for me. Him not making a move, but wanting comfort from me was making me feel like I wasn't good enough, and all I had to offer was being the fat girl who was safe for comfort but not good for anything else. So not good. What was also a big thunderbolt to my brain was realizing he wasn't doing this, I was. I was going along with things because he is my friend who I adore and super hot. Who was I to refuse him? I'm lucky. Um...that is total and complete utter crap. I may not be the thinnest girl, but I am attractive, interesting, funny and have a lot to offer and someone who doesn't see it should not be in my bed. The way you get that person in your bed is throwing the snuggler out.

When he tried to initiate sleep over number three I told him this isn't working for me and he listened and we had a chat and I felt about a bajillion times better. He said something interesting to me, " I adore you, and I love how I feel when I'm with you." Well that's great and all but what I would really like is someone to not like how they feel with me, but feel that way also about me. Being clear in what you want is scary. People may not like it, you may feel uncomfortable but it's a lot better then having a case of the icks. Accepting the little he was offering and acting like I should be pleased was not serving me at all. That's the sort of stuff that keeps me where I am and not getting what I want. I am way better then feeing blessed and flattered by very little.

If I feed the insecurities I have I just make them bigger. I do not dissipate them and let them have less hold and grip in my life. If I play a role in reinforcing negative thoughts, accepting less then I deserve, and keeping myself in the past then I cannot be surprised I stay stuck where I am. I cannot control a lot of things but I can control how I think, and I can control being the first line of defense in asking what I want.

It never ceases to amaze me how these big things that feel so mysterious and elusive are really not. They are skills, habits, and a lot less mysterious then they seem to be. Self esteem, and thinking you deserve more is not something that just happens overnight. It is not based on your weight, your looks, your job, whatever your hang up or thing may be. It is based on building your inner skills to not be afraid to ask for what you and challenging yourself to see that no matter what that "thing" is that you say means you deserve less that you're wrong. You deserve whatever you want and provided it doesn't hurt anyone else and you're not going to be a total ass about achieving it nothing should stand in your way and you should be the first to say it.


  1. I am so glad you posted this! I have been having a case of the blah's lately and I have been feeling needy and insecure about some friendships lately. In the last year i have issues with a couple of friendships which is new to me. . I was know for "Everyone loves Joy, she is so great". But as I have grown into my thirties , my filter is almost nonexistent and I guess I was sick of being the fun loving fat girl! Good for you for realizing how great you are and for sticking up for yourself. I really love your writing :).

    1. So glad it came at a good time! It's definitely challenging when your ability to filter and give more of a damn is just not there. People don't like it, or some people don't haha. I think though it's very revealing and refreshing who embraces it, and who challenges it. At the end of the day the people who don't accept you for you aren't worth it, and if being you reveals that then great. Better that way then when you really need them right? I sort of have embraced this as a weed out process. Doesn't make swimming through the muck any better but in the long run it's way better for overall happiness. Thank you as always for being such a lil rain of sunshine in the comment land.

  2. Good for you. It's not easy to do the right thing for yourself sometimes, but it's worth it in the end!

    1. Thank you! It gets easier right? The more you do it, the more you're like this is the way it should be and that's a nice reinforcement.

  3. Great post!

    I think sometimes standing up for ourselves will hurt others and that is okay. It is unrealistic to never hurt another person. But if we stand up for ourselves in a respectful way (respectful to ourselves and others), then the hurt to others is not intentional.

    I have often hurt myself by trying not to hurt others. That was a mistake and was not an authentic way to live for me. Now, I try to be honest about my wants and needs, so if someone gets hurt, it is unfortunate, but I can't be responsible for their feelings.

    Also, I often accepted less than I really wanted because I was afraid that some attention was better than none. And I worried that no one would ever give me what I really wanted because I was not worthy. Another truth bomb is that I was so scared to say, "no, this is not working for me" because I was afraid I didn't have the right to do so. I still struggle with those feelings. I know no one ever deserves "just crumbs" of what they really want. It is so scary to ask for what we want because, for me, I was afraid I didn't deserve it and I was afraid that I would not know how to handle it if I got it. Good times. :)

    I love your blog, by the way! Your voice is so fresh and real and fun! :)

    1. Agreed, sometimes you will hurt others. I think often it's less hurt, and more irritate which can be uncomfortable.

      You really beautifully articulated a lot of very valid and related thoughts. I agree, hurting yourself in order to not hurt others is not an authentic way to live. I also hang on to when it's tricky that the more authentic I am, the more rewarding and solid my relationships are. There is a point to the actions.

      Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, and for the compliments. So hugely appreciated.