Friday, May 21, 2010
I write this blog, but I do not advertise who I am. It's not because I am embarrassed but more because I really want to continue strengthening my identity outside of my disordered eating. It had been a huge source of definition for me in the past, whether it was over weight, disordered, all sorts of stuff, and now I feel pretty good about moving further and further away from it. I say all this because recently someone I knew from college, and was not particularly close to reached out to me on facebook. I don't really trust what this person as to say because bottom line I think she's quackerdoodle crazy. She also came at me first saying I shouldn't exercise but have curves, then apologized and said she's lost lots of weight and her mom's doing jenny craig, and then she emailed me again asking who the hot spinning instructor I knew was. Ryan is unbelievably hot, but he's also one of the sweetest kindest people you could ever hope to me. Anyway I replied back saying thanks but no thanks. That I do not want to have this dialogue with her, and that I was moving beyond this as a facet of my personality. This did not go over well and some how turned into me being a racist, ugly, ugly on the inside and not willing to support someone else. What was nice is despite the venom being spewed my way I just held my own. Who I discuss my body, weight, and struggles with is my choice. I know longer feel the need to share it with anyone who will listen and be emotionally slutty. I have a nutritional therapist who is a godsend and I highly recommend, and a great support system. At first when I started this process I definitely over shared with anyone who would listen. I chalk some of this up to enthusiasm, and some of it was fear based. I needed to obsess in order to embrace at that time, but I am very pleased for the sake of all of those around me I have moved on. I need the friends I was probably boring. Anyway I just found this entire interaction fascinating, I told her I did not wish to discuss this with her, and yet she throws back but you discuss exercise and greek yogurt on your facebook. Yes I do, but discussing my love affair with spinning and greek yogurt is completely different from discussing with a relative stranger my painful struggle with disordered eating for 20 plus years. I have mulled it over and now I shall say good bye because like other things I cut from my daily eating I also lost crazy.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
I am still a ways from my goal weight but it's truly not that far off and completely attainable. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around this. I used to lay in bed at night and just pray that tomorrow was the day. Tomorrow was the day I desired less food, felt less compulsive, played less games and was able to have a healthy relationship with myself and food. I have that now, most days, and it still gives me pause sometimes. It still is a surprise to me when I crawl into bed and I just go to sleep or review my day and the next, but do not wish for a miracle. I used to be caught way more between extremes. If I couldn't be a size 2 then I didn't want to lose weight, I knew even then that it would roughly take following a healthy eating plan 2 years to lose weight so of course my reaction was 2 years forget it might as well eat who has time for that. It's incredible to see how quickly a year has passed, and how much has changed for the better. No real negatives really, some emotional and draining times but nothing I regret or would change. One of my goals in choosing not to have gastric and to do the work was I wanted to feel normal and now I see normal is caring about what you eat, working out, taking care of yourself and I have achieved this goal. My disordered eating was such a tremendous part of my life that now I see the void that dealing with it has left. This leads me to now what. I have more time and now need to make new goals. I've changed my eating, mind, and body and now it's time to continue to change my life.