tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21492344596801387382024-03-06T22:34:22.171-05:00Diary of a Former Food AddictOne girl's journey to a healthy relationship with life.Annahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17762115760694650114noreply@blogger.comBlogger493125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2149234459680138738.post-68031696962329897042016-03-23T12:48:00.002-04:002016-03-23T12:48:48.484-04:00Sheepish Hello Hi. I feel like that friend who hasn't called in forever and then doesn't because they haven't and then is like does anyone even call anymore further delaying things...People don't call really anymore but that's besides the point. I disappeared. I needed the break apparently. I needed the time and space to transform. I have less questions, a few more answers, but I'm living a life I really love.<br />
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Sooooo what's up you might be thinking? Well I've gotten weirder then I was before. My weight loss hardcore stalled. I had a ton of repressed memories resurface. I healed a lot of old wounds. I started to feel whole. I'm figuring it out, I'm becoming new. I am shedding old.<br />
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I am going to formally transition this blog elsewhere at some point. I read tarot now, and have had a pretty significant spiritual awakening. Once I get that website up and going, I will blog over there.<br />
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It will be me as it always was. It will be my life, the ups and downs and my own way of viewing it. Probably a little more spiritualism a little less weight loss, but all of this stuff makes up my identity so a little from column A a little from column B.<br />
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So, anyone here? Anyone want a tarot reading? Bueller?<br />
<br />Annahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17762115760694650114noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2149234459680138738.post-73712193583432254392014-10-10T12:58:00.000-04:002014-10-10T12:58:38.722-04:00So Much Vision So Much Quest It's been just over a month since I went to Utah but it feels a lot longer. Utah was really amazing. I highly suggest everyone takes a solo mission. It's pretty cool. I loved seeing that part of the country and being in the desert. One of my favorite things was walking at night about a mile to a canyon near the hotel to watch the sunset. Then I would just sit on the bike path and think, write, take photos whatever. The absolute quiet was really amazing. In New York you rarely have space or quiet having an abundance of both was a gift.<br />
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Life's been pretty a-okay. I am trying to worry less about some things and worry more about others. I haven't really worried about my weight in a long time and I am making myself think more about that. If I were happy where I am I would just chill and not worry about it. I am not though. I am not happy with where I am. For lots of reasons. Being alone in Utah I realized how much more this break up had upset me because of it stirring old wounds then it being about him. I've been examining some of that stuff. It's hard, and it's emotional. I saw a shaman while I was there for a life path reading and sound healing. It was one of the most amazing and profound experiences I have had. She made me connect with my inner child, really imagine she was in front of me, and interact with her and I almost lost my shit. This is the kind of thing I would usually laugh at, maybe throw an eye roll in but....it was intense. Betina the shaman said a lot of things that were helpful and resonated with me. She said, " I get this sense that you're in a pool and it's not that you don't like it but you want to get out. Maybe lots of kids have gotten in there, maybe you've just had enough, but you're ready to climb out." That is probably one of the best ways of describing how I feel.<br />
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It's not that I don't like where or who I am, I just want to climb onward. I know I can't without resolving some of that stuff I still struggle to connect with. I guess part one of resolving it is being open to it. Open to exploring it and not being afraid. I've been doing reiki as well which I HUGELY enjoy and suggest to everyone. It is super cool and helpful. If you struggle with old emotions, seriously, explore reiki.<br />
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I'm also taking a writing class which I am loving but I'm mining my life for content and it stirs things up. I feel stirred up and not sure what to do with it. I want to be healthy, but more I want to move forward. I've gained some clarity and feel like more is around the corner because I am defining what I want. I called it a vision quest as a joke, but maybe I did get some vision, but left with a lot of quest.<br />
<br />Annahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17762115760694650114noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2149234459680138738.post-63290386717883961032014-08-28T11:39:00.001-04:002014-08-28T11:49:23.747-04:00Dramatic Conclusion <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It actually wasn't very dramatic at all. We broke up. He's not ready, needs more time to heal from his divorce, but would like to remain friends and leave the door open for the future. We were exceedingly polite with one another already taking that step back. That's the sort of stuff which kills me. Those can barely put your finger on it things have shifted moments.<br />
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Not gonna lie it's been kinda rough. While we weren't together for long, for the most part it/he was pretty great. I think what has made me saddest is just accepting that the timing is wrong. There is nothing to be done, changed or worked on. The only thing that will fix anything is time. Booooo to time, boooooooo.<br />
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In a shocking twist of events I did something I am really proud of. Instead of doing the alternate between boozing with friends and hibernating for a few weeks unhealthy coping-palooza I booked a trip. I am going on what I am calling a Lady Vision Quest. I am using the break up as an impetus but really I do just want to pull back and do some thinking. It's difficult to carve this space out in day to day life. Get up, work, gym, dinner, bad tv, I don't always have the brain power to really look at my life and figure out where I want to go. I think this is why therapy is so important to me. It's carved out dedicated time to asking myself questions. I often try to do a lot and get frustrated I can't manage it all. What actually is important to me and needs a place in my life?<br />
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So where is this Lady Vision Quest, or LVQ happening? Utah. Yes, Utah. A friend recommended <a href="http://redmountainresort.com/">the place</a> and once she showed me some of her pics I was sold. I am fascinated by the west and deserts. No idea why, but I am. I've also been talking about (for years if I'm honest) taking a solo trip. It's so funny how if you just relax and be, things happen in the right time. I wasn't ready to take a solo trip, now I cannot wait. Previous anxieties I had around it, nope they're gone. I cannot wait to be alone. His birthday is also next week and I'll be hiking Zion National Park during it which I think is a good thing. No moping, no obsessing just hiking. I am also doing some serious hippy stuff which I cannot wait for. Chakra balancing, yes please. Life path reading and sound healing, yup sign me up. I mean when else am I going to do it and seriously and most importantly why not? Give me all the crystals.<br />
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Now...as for the dude. I feel like we might have a round two. I am not going to wait around for it or live in expectation of it. I just do not feel like it is outside the realm of possibility. I told him I couldn't be friends off the bat because it would be too hard. I'm pleased I continued to be honest and take care of myself, but lets also be real someone who is healing what kind of friend can they be? We weren't friends to begin with so why would we be now? I guess my goal is to be friendly but not so sure about friends. I've also instituted a 30 No Contact Order (on myself he doesn't know about it) and it's been 9 days since we spoke and it's already driving me nuts. It's a must to reset the boundaries and to not be his teacher of how to experience emotions, but it's hard. It's also starting to affect my ego a little that he has not contacted me even though I said I needed space. Brains. They're weird right? One of my don't text him techniques is to send a friend silly animal photos.<br />
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The biggest thing is even though I'm sad and a little muddled I'm taking care of myself. No eating of feelings, kept to my gym routine, started meditating, which I HIGHLY recommend and feel like I am boosting myself instead of wallowing. When you're sad it's nice to actually be kind to yourself in true ways instead of mac and cheese (there was some of that) I suggest it. My friends have also been truly amazing and supportive and that's been dreamy and so helpful. If people sucked I'd really be lost.<br />
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So, I ask you all any tips? Any advice on how to sit on my hands and not text? Friends ya or nay?<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsZvErLJB3wcs_IekwLECfCQ8lCdBN6E4xDhamI8rgnrmnTUUo6xnLPUSzBInKMNTV4OcLY8rAVTNdEcwWLJVa5okE73T7co2jIkNc_n9AkWXqGYY2XynXQE4atl7LKsn3csnSKFkHLrUd/s1600/Countdown.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsZvErLJB3wcs_IekwLECfCQ8lCdBN6E4xDhamI8rgnrmnTUUo6xnLPUSzBInKMNTV4OcLY8rAVTNdEcwWLJVa5okE73T7co2jIkNc_n9AkWXqGYY2XynXQE4atl7LKsn3csnSKFkHLrUd/s1600/Countdown.JPG" height="320" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yep, I made a countdown calendar. </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIGNRlXmZ3hgYhDegu_7f5b-HiGOIqRZNm3e0_WJNMsLPFI9R0CEkAu7uPmGPDWxLDo6A6OATUase0zu5HploQKTGoAPSWhvay_eJYR251Zk998Vn3jgf2esggNbvfM-b5GtZ3QbU6LfJg/s1600/Utah.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIGNRlXmZ3hgYhDegu_7f5b-HiGOIqRZNm3e0_WJNMsLPFI9R0CEkAu7uPmGPDWxLDo6A6OATUase0zu5HploQKTGoAPSWhvay_eJYR251Zk998Vn3jgf2esggNbvfM-b5GtZ3QbU6LfJg/s1600/Utah.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pretty sure I can do some thinking here. </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCNA6M0d0jO04Msy3RYvQBbzIGe5IquFsOTAhKDExDM7Nt_aPA4SKiOxAV1e4ZQoIUjYRQ_-LpzqST__tPcO8MZKK6ALWBG5JSc1XqUGWPWk9HRiMcB1CyaIS5LS9pwRmHUjDUjHpkW7K6/s1600/rosenbruch-wildlife-museum.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCNA6M0d0jO04Msy3RYvQBbzIGe5IquFsOTAhKDExDM7Nt_aPA4SKiOxAV1e4ZQoIUjYRQ_-LpzqST__tPcO8MZKK6ALWBG5JSc1XqUGWPWk9HRiMcB1CyaIS5LS9pwRmHUjDUjHpkW7K6/s1600/rosenbruch-wildlife-museum.jpg" height="236" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Between hiking and chakra balancing I need to experience <a href="http://www.tripadvisor.com/Attraction_Review-g57119-d3983632-Reviews-Rosenbruch_Wildlife_Museum-St_George_Utah.html">this museum</a>.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_kpCoxoJgHZ8EfOY2qoEfsFSct6OEhrC1Sdyb_S8ilX2XKGUOJcspFH5asNCqwP2R3NbFpWyL50nKnW5chZeiwYC4bMuSH7z0zNouyu6uVN7V1rh_eb0Mso4bGVae2zmPE961EbfHY8tL/s1600/71feVnbdY-L._SL1500_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_kpCoxoJgHZ8EfOY2qoEfsFSct6OEhrC1Sdyb_S8ilX2XKGUOJcspFH5asNCqwP2R3NbFpWyL50nKnW5chZeiwYC4bMuSH7z0zNouyu6uVN7V1rh_eb0Mso4bGVae2zmPE961EbfHY8tL/s1600/71feVnbdY-L._SL1500_.jpg" height="320" width="310" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yes I did <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Peaceable-Kingdom-Wild-Horse-Diary/dp/B000IAFOKS/ref=sr_1_4?s=toys-and-games&ie=UTF8&qid=1409240864&sr=1-4&keywords=journals+with+lock+and+key">buy this</a> for trip journaling. It feels very desert appropriate and can be used for meetings post-trip. Sold. </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAWf_ElR1h6yqsqAc3jAbtjO1eQoR0POorG0zT6RkbUOuIfFuyDt-OTA7-2xQ7GNCAmotBGaCC5YDnNpohpKUzH6DIPuxDvvE3QLaobtoY2rQ0fRHWDR1kHM2g_cB54QfhIqWDXmiuuYTr/s1600/Seal_OF_SADNESS.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAWf_ElR1h6yqsqAc3jAbtjO1eQoR0POorG0zT6RkbUOuIfFuyDt-OTA7-2xQ7GNCAmotBGaCC5YDnNpohpKUzH6DIPuxDvvE3QLaobtoY2rQ0fRHWDR1kHM2g_cB54QfhIqWDXmiuuYTr/s1600/Seal_OF_SADNESS.JPG" height="192" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yep, legit texted him this during break up convo. Everyone meet the seal of sadness. </td></tr>
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A few other things helping me:<br />
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I am L-O-V-I-N-G this app for meditation:<br />
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<a href="https://www.headspace.com/">https://www.headspace.com/</a><br />
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This lady knows the things:<br />
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<a href="http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/">http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/</a><br />
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Thank you Jessie Ware for a peppy heart hurty song.<br />
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My friend Aurora made this mix and it was actually pre-split but it was like she just knew....the #1 Dads song....blurrrrrghhh, exercise caution. I am however thoroughly addicted to this mix.<br />
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<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" height="380" src="https://embed.spotify.com/?uri=spotify:user:sunshineboresthedaylights:playlist:0ATux4yKyt2VkoH29sm6ZI" width="300"></iframe><br />
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<br />Annahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17762115760694650114noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2149234459680138738.post-20317377422141063372014-08-14T11:57:00.003-04:002014-08-14T11:57:33.784-04:00Well Damn I mentioned I was seeing someone. I mentioned he's divorced. Dear lord....can a girl just get a break from some baggage? He's a great guy but he has all the feels and all the e-mo-shuns. He was away on vacation and had been a lovely gem, he returns and is less then 5 miles away from me and he's Eeyore.<br />
Nope not cool. I had noticed a shift prior to him leaving but thought, eh he's burned out needs a vacation, I'm not going to worry too much about it. When he returned I realized now I have to worry about it.<br />
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I had given him the head's up I wanted to talk about some stuff. That alone made me feel a million times better, but last night we finally had the sit down. When he met me at the restaurant he kissed me on the cheek. Oof. We sat down, made some awkward conversation and finally he broached things. We ended up having a really good talk. I mean not so good in the fact that he's not sure he can do this. He thought he was further along in processing his divorce but seeing me has brought a lot of things up for him.<br />
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Some of this was hard to hear, some of it I knew, some of it was surprising, but I didn't really get upset. It was probably one of the most honest conversations I have ever had with someone I am/was dating. I was completely honest with him saying I can deal with his heavy but I need him to communicate with me and to either be in or out. I said I can't do the dancing around everything not being okay.<br />
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Timing is the worst. He said you're the best thing that's happened to me in the past year. You make me incredibly happy but I don't know if I can do the work I need to do and be with you. I get that and I've sort of worried about it since this all kicked off. While it's a bummer I feel a sense of calm because I did everything I could do, not in the sense of compromising myself like I may have done in the past. Being whatever he wanted me to be, or trying to make him happy. I clearly laid out what my boundaries were, and what I needed.<br />
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We left it at he was going to take some time to think. Who knows if his point will change. I think I did make him rethink some of it because he's been in his head. We also had a petite make out when we parted, take that cheek kiss, but I have absolutely no control in the situation. I am strangely okay with that. It will be what it's supposed to be. <br />
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This morning I got up and made myself put on a cute outfit and put a little more effort into my make up because I took care of myself last night, I should take care of myself today. Striving to be authentic can suck and means you may not get what you "want" but it does mean you get what you need which ultimately feels a bajillion times better. I'll remind myself of that tonight when I'm tempted to drink all the wine.Annahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17762115760694650114noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2149234459680138738.post-17654532643909798192014-07-29T17:40:00.001-04:002014-07-29T17:40:15.043-04:00About That...I never mean to stay away for so long. It just happens. For the most part my life is pretty much the same. At the same job, doing the same things, just sweating more. However there is a notable difference. I met somebody, and he's pretty great.<br />
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He's another reason for me to thank the interwebz for what it continues to bring into my life. When he and I first started seeing each other I joked with my friends that he was a Dreamboat, and essentially that's what his nickname has stayed. Seeing as I am in my thirties, yes last week I turned 34 but lets ignore that shall we? Gross. 34 is undeniably adult. Anywayz....he's pretty great and I haven't really ever dated anyone like him. All that stuff people tell you about how meeting someone should be it kinda has been. He does what he says, his actions match his words and the stuff that's important to me and I value he seems to as well.<br />
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At first it was literally dreamy. He was kinda perfect. Not that he isn't dreamy anymore but reality does creep in. He's divorced and sometimes I feel like I am dating him and his divorce which kinda sucks but everyone has baggage I suppose. For right now I can deal and I am totally cool with how we're pacing things if that changes I'll reassess. All I can do right? He's not ready for a serious relationship and it's tough to block out my friends voices saying that means he doesn't want one with me. I don't think that is the case. I think he is genuinely afraid to dive back in, and truthfully I don't blame him. I also have my own concerns. I definitely really like him, but where he's at trying to fix himself post divorce do I want to sign up for that? I don't have answers yet so no point in running away in the meantime.<br />
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We went away together 2 weeks ago and managed to spend 3 nights together in a cabin without any disasters. It was really fun and insightful starting to learn that stuff. When he's relaxed and sleepy he seems distant. He's actually content. I'm learning where my own stuff creeps into the picture. He was supposed to go away with me last weekend but we bailed out of that because he was having a bit of a freak out. It felt good for me to lay down some boundaries and to also be really clear on this is his ish and it's not a reflection of me, my worth or how he feels about me. Progress!<br />
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Who knows what will happen or if we'll continue bobbing along but I hope so. Outlook, cautiously optimistic.<br />
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How's everyone else doing? Summer's been dreamy?Annahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17762115760694650114noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2149234459680138738.post-37975727638064308842014-04-30T15:28:00.001-04:002014-04-30T15:28:19.829-04:00Keep Calm and Rebrand Lately life has felt a little like trying to dig myself out of an avalanche. Work has been beyond insane. <div>
The network is rebranding and while it's been an amazing experience. It's not one I want to relive again anytime soon. In the midst of all this though...I met someone. </div>
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First up there was Hedgie, he was a guy who approached me at a party we got to talking he tried to get me to come home and make out with him. I politely refused but said good try and then we swapped numbers. He kept it pretty smooth, called me, texted me, set up plans for the following weekend. I saw him on a Saturday and went over to his apartment to hang out. I walked through the door and he shoved me against the wall and kissed me. I was a bit shocked but it wasn't unwelcome. He then said sorry I've been thinking about doing that all week. Mmmkay. I heard from him Sunday and then after that not a peep. Oh these hot and heavy fellas. I knew he wasn't anything serious or going to be someone I dated. He managed a hedge fund and while he said he wasn't one of those finance guys, I mean if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck. I hardly think the finance guy debate is something exclusive to NY but they just don't tend to be my kinda guy. I find them often a remote and aloof, and having big egos. Not really my thing. </div>
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Despite Hedgie being a no go, I really didn't care. It was definitely fun and made me see how much I did miss dating and actual viable romantic options. I was not flattened by the rejection, and felt very clear on the fact that it was something to do with him not me. That being said to distract myself I made my way back over to the interwebz. A guy messaged me and he's 4 years younger, and pretty good looking at first I was like um no, this is clearly a mistake. I messaged him back we started going back and forth, swapped numbers and I kinda left it at that. Thought well huh, he's actually pretty cool we'll see. A few days later I was back on the interwebz and he messaged me so I took a chance and texted back saying are you flirting with me online when you could text me? We texted from 9:30pm until 4:30am because clearly I am 15. Things just kind of took off from there, a lot of texting which I was a little nervous about. Texting does not equal a relationship and I've made the mistake of liking someone's digital personality more then there actual one before. That is a bummer let me tell you. As the time creeps by though I start to actually have a crush. Then we met, then we continued the texting, then we hung out again, and then he pulled away a bit. </div>
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Staying grounded is so tricky isn't it? It's not normal to be in constant contact all day. That is not real life, but it sure does provide a high. I saw him Saturday, didn't hear from Sunday, and then didn't hear from him Monday until I texted. I was losing my mind, and writing him off, and this is all crazy. Monday night he checked in, said he had an awful day, and I was like sigh all is right in the world. Tuesday, I shook myself and was like GET A GRIP WOMAN. He's not the first dude you've liked he won't be the last. Maybe he's really busy at work and it's not going well, maybe he's doing a slow fade, who knows but you'll be okay. I was going to initiate plans for Friday but instead I made them with another friend. I mean what kind of message does you can ramp it down and get plans? Not a good one, and not one I want to send. I'm way more work then that. I'm going to practice what I preach, I know I'm enough so I am not going to convince him that I am. I'm going to sit on my hands and do nothing, he'll either wander back or he won't in the meantime I have a network to re-launch. </div>
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Annahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17762115760694650114noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2149234459680138738.post-27076421743540481242014-04-02T13:20:00.002-04:002014-04-02T13:20:43.024-04:00And Now a Note from the UniverseNo bigs but I have an in with the Universe. Yes, the Universe. Actually my friend gets these Notes From the Universe and occasionally she would forward them to me, like a horoscope. Can you believe how spot on this is, or hmph maybe I do need to think about this. Anyway, I had been meaning to sign up for a million years. Never did. I did last week. It's pretty cool, you set some intentions and they send you an email every day if you select that option. I'm not big on affirmations. In fact I loathe them. They're just super trite to me, but I do believe that thoughts become actions and your words and inner dialogue have a huge amount of power.<br />
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I have been treated to two this week that gave me pause, and stumbled upon another quote courtesy of tumblr I loved.<br />
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<a href="http://www.tut.com/">For the record The Universe is a bit cheeky:</a><br />
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<span style="font-weight: normal;">Anna, it's one kind of victory to slay a beast, move a mountain, and cross a chasm, but it's another kind altogether to realize that the beast, the mountain, and the chasm were of your own design. </span></h4>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;">Hubba, hubba - </span><span style="font-weight: normal;"> The Universe</span></h4>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;">Anna, avoid gray areas. </span><span style="font-weight: normal;">There, the illusion of safety is guarded by the lies of "maybe," "sometime," and "I don't know." There is a truth. There is a way. Life is absolute, and its principles exacting. If you put it out "there," it has to come back. Ask, and it must be revealed. </span><span style="font-weight: normal;">Think, speak, and move with your desires, and nothing will ever be the same. </span></h4>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;">Tallyho,</span><span style="font-weight: normal;"> The Universe</span></h4>
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Tumblr Quote:</h4>
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<span class="s1">"</span><b>We can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love." - Lori Deschene </b></div>
Annahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17762115760694650114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2149234459680138738.post-60999483393952550992014-03-25T22:29:00.001-04:002014-03-25T22:29:41.458-04:00Oh Hey ThereWow I've been away for a while haven't I? It's one of those things where the more time that went by the easier it was not to do.<div><br></div><div>Life's been good and just cruising along. I went to Australia, and Paris, I've been interviewing for another job. I had a brief weird guy moment. I've been learning. Always learning. What I've been learning is that the changes we make are often not these huge things they are these shifts. They're these tiny little things that start to add up and can probably only be appreciated by you. Not the sexiest thing but so worth marveling. </div><div><br></div><div>I see it in these weird places with my mom it's having the patience to say I don't define or subscribe to the same beauty ideals as you. In a job interview asking why am I here? For the record I did not think I was right for the company but then learned I am. For the dude it's realizing he doesn't like himself and therefore can't like me. What all of this has in common is a subtle shift of not thinking it's about me, a reflection of me or my worth. It's also not being afraid to take care of myself and state what I need.</div><div><br></div><div>As for the weightloss I've been killing it at the gym and eating wise I've been doing well. I'm again learning things. Maybe some days I don't automatically need to have a snack because it's snack time. It's the little things. I've been doing the little things and learning their value. </div><div><br></div><div>Overall I'm good, rattling around in my head. Missing you all and ready for spring. Catch me up loves, what's new? What's the best? The worst? The worst to me is snow predicted for tonight. </div><div><br></div><div><br></div>Annahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17762115760694650114noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2149234459680138738.post-88926526104146792682014-01-14T12:50:00.001-05:002014-01-14T12:50:29.455-05:00FlatI've debated in my head whether or not to go into this but I figure I generally share snippets of my life and struggles here so this shouldn't be any different. For the past few months I have been feeling different. I couldn't really put my finger on it. I kept putting it down to being sick, or my job being stressful, being tired, this that and the other. Then I realized I might be depressed. <div>
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Depression is a weird thing. I have definitely had moments of it, but it's usually very brief for me and it's taken care of itself. What I actually began to explore though is have I always had these ups and downs and covered them up? Have I used food, pot, putting on a happy face in the past? This is very possible. What's been sort of freeing and weird is I am not sad, or anything I am just really flat. I usually feel capable of being a 10, bright, interesting, funny, blah, blah blah, but lately I feel like I hover at a 7. What's been cool is I don't feel apologetic about it. I don't feel like I have to be a certain way, but it is annoying. It was really brought home to me when I went to Australia. I was like this is so cool, but I just did not feel like I was reacting with my usual levels of enthusiasm. I constantly feel like there's a wall between me and other things. I also just feel this sense of apathy. Kitchen's a mess, meh who cares, haven't mailed that form in, whatever that's what tomorrow is for, this is not good. </div>
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I snapped to and went to see a psychiatrist, who works with eating disorder patients. He was really cool and SUPER interesting. He's like this is extremely common, food is a form of self medication, and you do probably have a depressive disorder. Okay cool, now what? He put me on a mild dose of wellbutrin, and explained it helps boost the levels of dopamine in my brain by getting my brain to produce more. Well that sounds great lets begin! I do feel a bit better a week later, but really sure this is a placebo affect at play. What was really interesting is what he explained to me about sugar and dopamine and carbs and serotonin how certain food cravings can suggest what chemicals your brain could be having a hard time producing. He also explained while he can't eliminate my predisposition to addiction he can help reduce it and make it easier for me to stay in control of it. Yes please. I HIGHLY suggest everyone watches<a href="http://ed.ted.com/lessons/how-sugar-affects-the-brain-nicole-avena#watch"> this Ted video</a> about how sugar affects the brain. I mean I highly doubt I will ever not want to eat all the sweet things, but it would be nice to be able to have a cookie. A cookie. Not all the cookies. </div>
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I'm not big on not dealing with things so that's why I sought out some help and answers. The biggest thing that motivated me though was I've done a lot on my own, and gotten some amazing results. What if I could keep doing the same things with some help, if the flatness and fogginess could be decreased, if I could not be wasting my energy just trying to keep up, but I could be moving forward. </div>
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A side effect of wellbutrin can be weight loss, and I would 100% be lying if I said that didn't appeal to me, but more then anything feeling like myself would ultimately be the best thing. </div>
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Annahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17762115760694650114noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2149234459680138738.post-56327251804631259742013-12-17T15:45:00.001-05:002013-12-17T15:45:30.740-05:00Food Glorious FoodA friend of mine is in London and he texted me he was doing his best Oliver Twist impression which then of course got the song " Food Glorious Food" stuck in my head. Good times. Food though has been all around and a hot topic lately. It's the holidays so snacks, treats, and baked goods are going to suddenly be everywhere. Truth be told I haven't found it too bad. I have been switching my focus in terms of food.<br />
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I went to a reading of Lucky Peach last week, holy awesome! This is Chef David Chang's magazine, and he and his editor in chief Peter Meehan were there, along with BD Wong moderating, Mario Batali reading, David Cross, and others. It was really, really, great. Everyone read so well, and the stories were so interesting and being able to unapologetically surround yourself with essentially food erotica was cool. It did occur to me how a few years ago I wouldn't have done that because, 1. it would have been triggering, and 2. I did the classic deny how much you like food because I am overweight deflection technique. I felt very grateful for the moves my relationship with food has taken that night.<br />
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I've been scaling back the gluten big time. I'm not jumping on the gluten free bandwagon, or doing it to lose weight. I'm doing it because when I eat a lot of wheat, I end up looking 5 months pregnant and having crazy gas pains. Gas pains, seksi I know. I feel a lot better and don't look pregnant with wheat child after 3 weeks of wheat scale back. I also got a coupon code to this organic meal delivery I've been doing and it's gluten free and vegan. I didn't actually know about the vegan part (read more closely anna) and for the most part it's been awesome. The breakfasts make me LOSE MY MIND, they are so delicious and different. Chia and quinoa coconut and mango bake anyone? Yes, please. The lunches are good, I have learned I need to supplement them with something in order to really be full. At first I tried out testing my hunger to see if I was truly hungry or was I just thinking I was hungry because this isn't what I usually eat. Nope, I am/was hungry. Now I throw in a soup, or some grilled chicken, to beef (hehee) up my meals.<br />
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Now in weight news I've been challenging myself to reframe things. I'd been challenged lately with lots of negative thoughts. Lots of I'm so fat, I look so fat in this, she's so thin, blah blah blah. I am so over this dialogue I could scream. So I challenged myself to both shoot down the thoughts, and reframe them, I look so fat in this becomes I'm not comfortable in this outfit, she's so thin, becomes she looks healthy and happy and that does not take away from me. I cannot tell you how helpful this has been. I also made myself think about what does the weight thought do for me? It must serve me somehow to still be around. It distracts me from my life. In removing some of the weight chatter I have been able to focus on some other things, namely my trip to Australia in NINE days and my career. I need a career refresh and I found someone to help me revamp my resume. It's been challenging and exciting working with him.<br />
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Am I the only one who feels like 2013 has been sorta a throw away year? Aside from my Australian adventure what a snooze. I've had a lot of fun but ultimately feel like I coasted. Coasting can be helpful sometimes you just need to coast in order to maintain, but I feel like 2014 I'm ready to climb again. We'll see. One day at a time, one less gluten filled treat at a time, and if you like me forgot how delicious White Russians are reacquaint yourself and stay cozy for 2014's arrival.<br />
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<br />Annahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17762115760694650114noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2149234459680138738.post-69882169702962146842013-11-22T13:40:00.002-05:002013-11-22T13:40:52.777-05:00Swing This Way Swing That Way The last two weeks have had some up's and down's. The problems were mostly in my head which sucks. The good thing is talking about it, reaching out to the peeps around me, and challenging my thoughts has been working.<br />
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So what was going on, I just felt super negative. I felt very body dysmorphic feeling "enormous" and "fat" and it happened swiftly and overnight. I was majorly comparing myself to other people, very jealous of anyone thinner then me, or achieving their own goals. This came on really quickly and out of nowhere. </div>
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I brought it up with my nutritionist and she gave me a really helpful and calming explanation. She explained, because I'm under stress at work, and in my personal life, I have a lot of emotions surfacing, which I am managing in a healthy way but when we're emotional we can feel burdened and heavy, this in turn for someone with a history of disordered eating can make them feel physically heavy and body dysmorphic. A ha! There was a lot of truth in this for me. It also helped me when I felt clouded by negative thoughts to decipher what was real and what was not and how to address either. </div>
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Another thing I did that was super helpful was increased my self care. I've been taking these <a href="http://www.refinery29.com/detox-bath?utm_source=email&utm_medium=editorial&utm_content=everywhere&utm_campaign=131116-skin-care-swaps">detox baths</a> because my skin was freaking out because of winter creeping in. HUGELY suggest it. 1 cup epsom salts or dead sea minerals, 1 cup baking soda, essential oils if you want, and fresh ginger if you can be bothered. I cannot. Soak in that for 15 minutes, I follow up with <a href="http://www.amazon.com/AmLactin-Moisturizing-Body-Lotion-14-1-Ounces/dp/B0002KI3XO/ref=sr_1_3?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1385140995&sr=1-3&keywords=amlactin">AmLactin lotion</a> to help keep the flaky skin away. Do not use this on legs you have just shaved unless you want to contemplate dying. My skin feels pretty dreamy with this combo and my mood's improved. Epsom salts I found out are also mood improving so there's that to.<br />
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To try to keep swaying things back to the healthy side and less the self loathe-y I concentrated on staying on top of my self care, not comparing myself to others, and boosting my cardio as I've been in a rut and bored. I do feel a lot better. Far calmer, and more grounded. Feeling present is a day to day thing, and that's cool. For me the only way to be balanced is not fight and accept that I swing between extremes. I feel awesome, or I feel awful. When I swing one way or another I have to go what's up and then I can meet in the middle. Self acceptance for the win! And epsom salts, definitely epsom salts win.<br />
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Annahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17762115760694650114noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2149234459680138738.post-74096961882980359662013-11-05T18:03:00.002-05:002013-11-05T18:03:32.792-05:00So much living too little sleeping Straight up I am just not sure what to talk about lately. I have all these things I want to write about and then I get overwhelmed and tired. Life's been busy. Great busy, but I'm tired. Kinda the story of life right? What have I been doing, well why I would tell you when I can do a list!<br />
I L-O-V-E a list.<br />
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1. I booked a trip to Australia! Biggest news in my life for realz right now. I'm only going for a week which peeps keep giving me flack for but whatever, I AM GOING TO AUSTRALIA which I yell like a kid with poor voice modulation at least once a day.<br />
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2. Okay, I caved and like I predicted have lost my life to Breaking Bad. In two weeks I am up to Season 5. I feel like I am finally part of the club.<br />
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3. Sweet potato ice cream with marshmallows. It's amazing and horrible this exists. I want it all the time. GET INTO MY FACE.<br />
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4. Basketball is back and in an attempt to better self regulate and self care I am only attending one game a week. Season opener I got home at 4am. This is going to be tricky.<br />
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5. Struggling with body image lately. For no reason at all I just feel really self conscious and big. Staying positive minded is tough and a day to day thing I try to remind myself.<br />
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6. Reading The Interestings, highly suggest it. So good.<br />
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7. Making <a href="https://food52.com/recipes/4817-caramelized-pork-banh-mi">these</a>, but I generally ditch the bread because I am lazy about buying baguettes.<br />
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8. Spending lots and lots and lots of time with my girlfriends lately which has been the bees knees. Aurora and I worked out with Jesse last Saturday, got brunch after and then went shopping. Best Saturday ever. A bunch of us hung out to cheer a friend in the marathon on which was super cool. It was also super cool seeing 46,000 different people running a marathon. No two marathoners were truly a like. Very inspiring.<br />
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9. Saying no to things I do not want to do. Not getting the guilts and not being a martyr. Sometimes you just don't want to do something.<br />
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10. Trying to figure out how to open myself up more to dudes ( I know, I know this is not new information) and not automatically make guys friends to avoid rejection. I need some risk and rejection in my life.<br />
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What's everyone up to? Loving fall? Already in winter? Does everyone love the embellished sweatshirt trend like I do? Seriously...it's a problem.<br />
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<br />Annahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17762115760694650114noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2149234459680138738.post-38620245189089606632013-10-11T17:37:00.001-04:002013-10-11T17:37:09.589-04:00Crazy IdeasI've been losing weight steadily for about 12 weeks now. My weight has either maintained or been down. Some weeks by a few pounds, others by a half, but the direction has been the same. What have I been doing? Well.....I've been listening to the people that I have entrusted to help me. I have been humble and open. Happily this is paying off.<br />
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Jesse and I did measurements yesterday and I am down an overall 11.75 inches. Almost a foot has left my body in the past month. Granted, I have been super sick for the past two weeks so I am not totally myself, but while I was happy it did not change how I felt about myself.<br />
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This losing streak has not really played into how I value myself. I do hope it continues but some of what I have been doing is the below and for right now, in this lovely little moment it's working for me.<br />
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Current Body Plan:<br />
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1. Working out because it feels good to move my body, feel strong, and sweat.<br />
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2. Eating what I want and not being afraid of food. Reminding myself I can have whatever I want whenever I want.<br />
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3. Not beating myself up or judging behaviors. Accepting my nature and behaviors to better work with myself and not against.<br />
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4. Staying mindful and present for better self care and awareness.<br />
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5. Taking care of myself, and thinking about what do I need? What is healthy for me?<br />
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The better care of myself I take the less desire I have to manage my life, and feelings whatever you want to label it as with unhealthy behavior with food. It's not always the sexiest of work but it does feel rewarding for hot second.<br />
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<br />Annahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17762115760694650114noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2149234459680138738.post-41655275828491442442013-10-02T15:38:00.001-04:002013-10-02T15:40:01.153-04:00Katy's Miracle Marathon Journey I love, love, love when people email me. I really do. I especially like when readers let me know who they are. It seriously gets boring only talking about yourself. Anyways, Katy who has commented in the past sent me the below email. I think what she's doing is awesome and I am happy to help spread the word. Hopefully some people can help and encourage her.<br />
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In Katy's own words:<br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: black;">I am emailing you to share some information regarding a fundraiser that I am doing for the Children's Miracle Network. Please feel free to disregard this email if you find it inappropriate. I am just trying to find a way to reach as many people as possible as this is a great fundraiser for kids and is very close to my heart. I completely understand if you don't feel comfortable sharing this information, but just in case I have listed the information below. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this!</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: black;">I am on a mission to get out, get moving and save kids' lives, and I need your help!<br /><br />I have joined the Miracle Marathon journey, and throughout October I will not only be moving for 27.2 miles, but also raising funds for my Children's Miracle Network Hospital.<br /><br />Please support me by going to the following link:</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><a href="http://www.miraclemarathon.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&participantID=1568" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">http://www.miraclemarathon.<wbr></wbr>org/index.cfm?fuseaction=<wbr></wbr>donorDrive.participant&<wbr></wbr>participantID=1568</span></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: black;">All donations are tax-deductible and collected securely by Children's Miracle Network Hospitals. 100% of the proceeds go to my local MU Children's Hospital.<br /><br />Since a traditional marathon is 26.2 miles, Miracle Marathon adds a special touch by adding one more mile "for the kids." Over the course of 27 days, we are going to complete one mile per day by walking, running, dancing, skipping or just moving to reach that goal. It's a marathon - plus an extra mile - for the kids!<br /><br />I sincerely hope you will support my Miracle Marathon journey.</span></span></div>
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Annahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17762115760694650114noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2149234459680138738.post-69123580550204779962013-09-30T16:59:00.001-04:002013-09-30T16:59:12.968-04:00No Man's Land Sometimes I feel like I am in this no man's land. I'm not really fat but I'm not really thin, I'm not really plus size, but I'm not really straight sized either. It can be frustrating if I let it get to me but lately I just overall feel really positive. Lately I feel very present, and aware that there is nothing wrong with me. <div>
I am fine just the way I am, and I am fine wanting to move forward. The best way to get out of no man's land is to not let yourself hang out there. </div>
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Telling myself I was in this place was mentally keeping me there and holding me back. I wasn't in some weird zone of am I or am I not okay. The outline of my body doesn't really determine my place in life. My attitude does. </div>
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I find myself lately thinking about kindness. How much I value it. How much it can shift things and how easily it can be practiced. I have made a more pronounced effort to treat others with kindness and the super cool thing is it's making me treat myself with more kindness. It's making me take a step back and just look at my actions or motives. Not judge them, just go so what's this about. Two weeks ago I was working 20+ hour days, and one night everyone was tired, grumpy and over it. We ordered pizza. When in doubt feed the crew. I thought about it, because when it's pizza delicious. I took a beat and just said are you hungry, no, I'm cold and the pizza's hot. Cool, so really what you need is something warm, would tea suffice? It did. Not beating myself up or criticizing my impulse made me actually suss out and get what I wanted. </div>
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I've been snazzy'ing up my outfits, taking time to blow out my hair in the mornings, getting to the gym and generally prioritizing self care and the things that make me feel good. The best part about this is I am doing the because they make me feel good. I am not doing them to ingratiate myself with society, or be more appealing to men, or because I feel the need to apologize for not being smaller. I am okay with taking up space, I am okay with garnering attention, I am okay with my outside matching my inside. </div>
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I feel good and that is a good thing. I don't have to apologize for it, couch it in anything, or defend it. I'm just gonna let it ride. I don't feel this dramatic almost manic upswing I just this sense of yeah, I'm not perfect but I am a-okay with it all. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pilgrim Puritan Realness. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You can't see the elephants on this dress, but I love them. </td></tr>
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Annahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17762115760694650114noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2149234459680138738.post-63767731455308224132013-09-12T10:53:00.001-04:002013-09-12T10:53:53.625-04:00It's Been Seventeen Years Seventeen years ago today my Dad died. He's officially been gone longer then I knew him. My Dad's death doesn't really make me sad anymore. It's been incorporated into my life. It's become my normal. I read once that grief is like a window, sometimes you get it almost shut and other times it flies open. That window flies open less but it's still never all the way closed.<br />
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I think one of the hardest things about losing someone is that life goes on. That life moves forward without this person who was so significant to you. After he first died I used to think how can this be? How can people be outside laughing and going about life like it's the same? The contradiction nearly broke me those first raw weeks.<br />
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I've spent a lot of time reflecting on my relationship with my father the past few years. The good, the bad, the impact, his death and while there's been moments I just wanted to put it in a box and move on I am glad I didn't. Exploring what he meant to me, and how he affected and shaped me lets him live on. He was complicated and flawed like just about everyone, but he let me see some of the best people are. That they deserve your time and patience, that their love can be rewarding and I guess most importantly seventeen years later post his absence enduring.<br />
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I don't really remember his voice anymore. If I close my eyes and concentrate real hard I can bring up a vague idea of it. I can hear it in memories. These losses used to crush me and I would cling to them harder. If I forget then he's really gone. Regardless of if I remember he is gone. That's what you have to live with. His voice doesn't really matter. The ways I see him in my life do, the fact that he did exist does.<br />
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I'm a lot like my Dad. I'm ambitious, hard working, practical and utterly ridiculous all at the same time. I'm also compulsive, have a tendency towards addiction, and self destructive. How much is him and how much is me who knows. I used to feel this pressure to be more like him to honor him but it doesn't really work. You do have to move on and live for you. I carry him in my heart and that's really the only he can stay forever.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I also inherited his trait of never looking directly into a camera. </td></tr>
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<br />Annahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17762115760694650114noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2149234459680138738.post-85684126859286833472013-08-28T17:51:00.004-04:002013-08-28T17:51:43.924-04:00Relax and Be YourselfI feel like lately on the blog I like to state and explore really trite phrases people trot out. I have found though part of why I hate them so much is because there is more truth then I care to admit. Lately I have been just relaxing and being myself. For the most part it's making me happier, more relaxed and I am benefiting from it. Why is it so hard to do and why do we avoid it so much? I know for me so much of it comes from fear and just plain ole not liking the answer right in front of my face.<br />
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I can't relax with food because what if I lose my shit and eat all the things? When I take a honest look at my behavior and how I eat I see this does not really happen. It's a self imposed fear myth I make myself live under that is not reality. When I relax and be myself I eat pretty well because it makes me feel better. These days and past few years if I take a break from criticizing myself I value what makes me feel better more, not because it's pro-weight loss or "good". I define eating well as mostly whole foods, with a mix of protein, fat and carbs, minimizing the processed and mindless. When I stay checked in and focused on what do I want and what makes me feel good, I don't want all the brownies, and the candy. I really don't. Someone offered me half a brownie yesterday and I said no and I didn't praise myself for it, or think I had done some unbelievable thing. I didn't want it so I didn't eat it. I can have a brownie whenever I want so why eat one when I don't? Plus I'm a brownie snob not a brownie slut. Get the brownie you actually want when you want a brownie not the first one that comes a calling.<br />
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As for the life....the crush I wrote about...well I'm finding my way. I haven't just shut it down. His attention is still around and I still do not completely know what to do with it. We text most days, we see each other often and I am just relaxing. I have no idea what it all means. I am just going to be myself. This weekend that included post a few drinkies asking him to hang out. He had plans but I put myself out there. I saw him the next day and was tempted to feel dumb and foolish. He teased me a bit because he knew I was tipsy, but I thought why are you feeling dumb? Do you regret it? No. He said he already had plans but wished he could co-conspire, why are you being weird? I want immediate gratification for taking a risk and that's just a really good way to stop taking risks because that isn't really the deal. You just have to take action don't ya? Can't really worry about the outcome unfortunately.<br />
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What I am not doing which has been a negative pattern is changing myself to force the result. I am not playing to anything, I am not trying to be better, smarter, funnier, whatever quality I ID myself to be lacking and them wanting that is completely made up in my mind. I don't know what they're thinking, I don't know what I should be more of. I really don't. The only thing I can do and do well is be myself. If I just relax and try not to control the outcome, or force the result I am my best version of myself. The best thing about being that version is generally it attracts and brings the things into my life which should be and belong there.<br />
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<br />Annahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17762115760694650114noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2149234459680138738.post-6552976836477989202013-08-23T15:44:00.003-04:002013-08-23T15:44:51.111-04:00Crush CrunchedI've been doing things a little bit differently lately. I have not been worrying about my weight. I have been eating mindfully and trying to believe in the trust I have in myself. Amazing that not worrying about your weight helps you lose weight. <div>
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I have felt free from the constant unrelenting pressure to try harder, eat less, workout more, push myself further. I have tried to drift and find my own way a little more. I pushed when I felt strong, I backed off when I felt sore. I ate what I felt like concentrating on what makes me feel good, healthy, and my body likes. I strove less to control things and just said what do you want? How do you feel? What do you need? I wasn't feeling fruit this week so I didn't eat much of it and I didn't lecture myself over it. It's been pretty nice. </div>
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In the midst of all this reshuffling someone's come into my path. At first I was like cute, but whatever. Then we actually hit it off. I let my guard down, and I went into full blown crush mode. After a lovely several week flirtation he's pulled back and I am baffled and sad. I thought I just liked the attention. It's worse then that I like him. </div>
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My nutritionist pointed out you're making yourself vulnerable in both your food choices and in your life and it's shifting your thinking I want you to keep pushing this. Scary. I ate fig and brie mac and cheese this week. Twice. I ate what I wanted, not the whole thing, because I let myself have it. I didn't make it into anything but mac and cheese as a side dish to turkey meatballs and greens. </div>
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I see and feel progress with food and my body. I find myself being more positive, confident, supportive. I find myself encouraging myself instead of chastising. When it comes to the fellas though I still feel this sense of scaredy cat gulp. My friends say he probably thinks you don't like him and backed off you need to hold his hand a little. This scares the crap out of me. The past month or so though being open, being more vulnerable has certainly enriched my life. I just feel torn as to whether this person was a lesson for the future or is something I should pursue now. </div>
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I wish the question was about the mac and cheese. That I know the answer to. It's yes. Always yes to mac and cheese. To taking a chance on someone or them taking a chance on you I have no answers. </div>
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Annahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17762115760694650114noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2149234459680138738.post-2101493041425944032013-08-12T17:48:00.002-04:002013-08-12T17:48:50.580-04:00Reading, Listening, Wanting I finally have given young adult books a break and have been reading books that are meant for actual adults. Total honesty...I kind of forgot how reading good books makes you think. All of a sudden my brain feels a little less mushy. Young adult books do not really do this. They're junk food for your brain. While I was resting up, I watched all the television so I decided to read books I had been mean to read but had never gotten around to. <div>
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1. The Love Affairs of Nathaniel P. </div>
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This is a newer release. I both really liked it and was completely disturbed by it as it hit close to home. It was like I know this guy, I've dated him. It's also kinda cool when you don't really like a main character. </div>
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1. Gone Girl </div>
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I know, I know, I know, I am REALLY late to this party. I totally got wrapped up into the book, was underwhelmed by the ending. The ending however is probably closer to the truth then I would care for. </div>
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3. Where'd You Go Bernadette.</div>
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I loved, this book. I immediately read her other book which I also loved. Believe the hype, it's charming and a fast read. </div>
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4. Now for listening...I can't with Chet Faker. He's too sexy for his own good. </div>
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5. Tegan and Sara Heartthrob, makes me wanna just dance around. </div>
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6. For my fall thoughts. I am pretty sure I need<a href="http://www.barbandbear.com/products/ikat-leggings"> these</a>. Party ikat pants, yes please. </div>
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7. I also really want<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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these. I am using them as motivation for shapely legs all better to show off my high tops with. </div>
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I basically want to dress like a flamboyant teenage boy. </div>
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8. ASOS is making me hot under the collar for fall. I very much want the below AND some of their bright and shiny new things for fall are 20% off until midnight. There you have my permission to buy all the things.</div>
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What are you reading, listening to, coveting? </div>
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Annahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17762115760694650114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2149234459680138738.post-40623180301911472222013-08-05T16:48:00.004-04:002013-08-05T20:43:08.971-04:00No Right or Wrong, Just DifferentYou know how I was going to see Beyonce? Yeah, well that didn't happen. My poor friend got scammed! She bought the tickets on craig's list and they were fake. I felt so bad for her. While I was totally game to go, I was not dying to see Bey and she was. This particular friend and I have a lot of things in common but it's funny where we differ.<br>
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She was beating herself up about it, and I said, "well you could be a scaredy cat like me and pay a million more dollars on stubhub or you can take a chance." We ended up having a lovely dinner and evening so the night was far from ruined. As we sat outside and I drank sparkling rose and she sipped different fancy cocktails we just chatted. We were somewhere quiet, not in a hurry and could actually talk.<br>
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We have not known each other long but we became friends pretty quickly so now at this point we do sort of know each other. We can see consistencies in our behaviors, make some predictions, and see why we view things differently. She is very what she sees is what she believes, I over analyze everything and eventually throw my hands up and just do what I wanted anyway. She has a bajillion acquaintances and friends, I have people I tolerate because I have to and friends. We were talking about someone we knew in common and I was like oh lemme tell you about her. She was like you always go deep, you get to know people. I said there is just no in between for me. If I like you, and I enjoy your company then I am going to want to learn about you and get invested. I explained it's taken getting older to learn how to protect myself better with this. Not everyone should get that treatment off the bat, and the way I employ it is different. When I was younger, I used this as a way to ingratiate myself with others and build social currency now it's because I genuinely find people fascinating. I am just more discerning about who I invest in.<br>
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We chatted dating, hook ups and guys. I'll be straight up because well this is my blog and I can be...how she goes about the fellas has bugged me as of lately. She posts conversations on facebook, and instagram, talks about making out with two guys in a night, and I just cringe. I don't think there is anything wrong with what she is doing but I don't get why she is telling people. She's like you're right I had never realized how private you are about that part of your life. I said I have zero issue sharing with anyone, I just want to share in person not on facebook. She just thinks it's funny and wants to share. Well go on girl. Get your share on.<br>
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What was super cool about being able to just talk and share where we came from was there wasn't any judgment just this is how you see it, and this is how I see it. We both learned more about the other, motivations, end goals, and a different way to think about things. I admire a lot about her fearlessness, but I am old enough to know trying to replicate it in her manner would not work for me. It doesn't mean I can't channel some of that my own way and appreciate the way she employs it.<br>
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I find as I try to quiet my own inner critic it makes me kinder and less defensive to others. It makes me less judgmental. I can, not want to act a certain way but not find anything wrong with someone who does. I can also take someone approaching things differently not as a sign that I am doing things wrong, or they think I'm a lame-o. Last night as I sat on a blanket with good friends and ate an ice cream sandwich for dinner listening to Beck I just let myself enjoy it. I didn't scold myself for such an unhealthy dinner, or for not eating something healthy before I left my apartment. I sat on the blanket and enjoyed the ice cream sandwich and the beautiful night and did not miss it by being a total ass to myself. There really is no right or wrong, just occasional ice cream sandwiches for dinner.<br>
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<br>Annahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17762115760694650114noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2149234459680138738.post-35819592224702036892013-08-02T13:21:00.001-04:002013-08-02T13:21:46.960-04:00Mixed Bag This week zoomed on by and lawdy am I grateful for that. I have a packed weekend ahead and I am ready to hop to it! Below's what has been keeping my head above water...<div>
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1. I am one lucky duck, Beyonce on Saturday, and then Sunday Beck. SO EXCITED! I saw Beyonce like 500 years ago and she was amazing, doubtful I'll be able to dance it out much but ass shaking doesn't really involve your lower leg. </div>
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2. My nail art obsession shows very little signs of slowing down. I looove this <a href="http://ep.yimg.com/ca/I/lippmanncollection_2272_509224">polish</a> for some at home glamour. I really loved the last one I did but it's big time growing out. Saturday's appointment will probably be Bey (cause we're friends) influenced...</div>
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3. I can't stop listening to this <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8t2-rJo5bdw">song</a>, and the video is purrrrty funny. I heard it in the Movie <i>Drinking Buddies</i> which I thought was sorta snoozy and sad, but the soundtrack is fantastic. </div>
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4. I usually stay away from articles regarding diet and exercise, and popular women's magazines in general. I just can't read how to lose 10 pounds quick or give the same three tips regarding your vagina and it just makes me feel like I am on the brink of insanity at how condescending the tone is. Anywayz....I thought <a href="http://www.refinery29.com/fitness-tips#slide-1">this article</a> regarding exercise was actually refreshing with a tone of decide what works for you. </div>
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5. When I feel like I need a lil zen, <a href="http://eyla.com/">this website</a> helps me. </div>
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6. This girl is 20 and her<a href="http://cargocollective.com/lindsaybottos"> artwork is fantastic.</a> I can't wait to see what she does next. My favorite is I don't Really Miss You. </div>
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7. <a href="http://thundercloudsoflove.blogspot.com/search/label/iceland">These pics</a> strengthen my Icelandic obsession. Will someone please just go to Iceland with me already? Sheesh. Temper tantrum over. </div>
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8. H&M went online yesterday and while the plus size offerings are sad, the kid offerings are not. All my friend's kids are getting <a href="http://www.hm.com/us/product/02317?article=02317-A">these</a>. </div>
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9. <a href="http://zenhabits.net/iloveyou/">This</a> and <a href="http://6thfloor.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/07/31/george-saunderss-advice-to-graduates/">this</a> are really lovely sentiments. </div>
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10. Want to see <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/29/nyregion/rare-chance-to-stroll-a-park-avenue-tunnel-in-the-name-of-interactive-art.html?_r=0">this.</a>...badly.</div>
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11. What does your <a href="http://www.thesecretlanguage.com/check/birthdate/">birthday</a> mean? </div>
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12. I have a hard time believing in the healing powers of stones/crystals/rocks, but I doooo love <a href="http://ericaweiner.com/collections/erica-weiner-collection/products/directions-bracelet#.UfvHkmRa2-X">these bracelets</a> and if they have healing properties well fantastic. </div>
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13. I want all the watermelon juice. Seriously. Get some. If it's pure watermelon it helps with bloat, is high in vitamin C, lower in sugar then you'd think and sometimes I prefer it over dessert at night. Sometimes. </div>
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14. Wednesday night, I walked too much and was hurting pretty bad by the time I got home so I popped 2 percosets. BIG MISTAKE. I felt gross and I bid on a 18th Century taxidermied Flamingo. Welcome to my apartment I am insane.</div>
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15. I have been obsessed with exfoliating and moisturizing this summer but really kicked it up a notch post calf debacle. I soak in epsom salts which are drying so I give a quick scrub with this <a href="http://www.crystalpeel.org/ecommerce/microdermabrasion-exfoliating-soap-bar.html">soap</a>, yes it's expensive but it's lasts FOREVER and it really does change your skin and then I slather on <a href="http://www.juicepress.com/store/packaged-goods/sex-lube.html">this oil</a>. My friend Aurora introduced to me to coconut oil as a moisturizer 3 years ago on my 30th birthday so it was appropriate for my 33rd that she gave me another jar. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">take it all off</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">lube up your bod <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td></tr>
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Annahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17762115760694650114noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2149234459680138738.post-87767147320569114442013-07-29T14:17:00.001-04:002013-07-29T14:17:35.245-04:00Nope. Do not want. I had a whole idea of how last week was supposed to go. I was headed out to Portland, Oregon for my first solo mission. I had re-arranged my work out schedule, done my laundry and thought I was headed in the right direction. Nope, not at all how it all played out. <div>
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Tuesday night while working out with my temporary trainer while Jesse's away I tore my right calf muscle. Badly. I couldn't walk Tuesday or Wednesday, was on crutches for a few days and then graduated to a cane. Annoying. The whole thing has been annoying. I was really lucky, the airline credited my flight, hotel cancelled without charging me, Create + Cultivate what I was attending put that towards the event they are throwing in Brooklyn. I basically came out as ahead as I could be for having to cancel a trip the day before it. </div>
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The worst part was being immobilized. I felt so incredibly vulnerable and frustrated. I couldn't do anything besides be patient and just let this run it's course. I totally ate some self pity feelings Wednesday in the form of salted dark chocolate. I felt so defeated and powerless, and like there's nothing I can do wahhh. Thursday I started to turn that thinking around, I can rest, do exercises that are considered pre-hab, eat well to fuel healing, and not make it worse by pushing myself. There's no miracle cure or magic bullet. It's also not my fault, or because of my weight or going to make me fat. I have to remind myself of these things. I am out of commission for at least 2-3 weeks. When I can stretch without pain I can start light activity. </div>
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Almost a week later I've watched the whole series of Orange is the New Black, and highly recommend it. I watched more Arrested Development and still feel undecided about it. My brother offered to send pot to my house to "help" I declined. I ate hot dogs because they are delicious but then prepared a quinoa salad for Sunday dinner as amino acids are my friends right now. I rode the wave, I wanted to burst into tears a few times, but really having to lay around and heal and take percocet is really not the worst fate. It's hard to just sit and and be and take care of yourself but really it's pretty nice. I soaked in the tub last night, and then coated myself head to toe in coconut oil which in retrospect maybe wasn't the wisest idea for someone who's balance is compromised, and then ate a tasty dinner I had made with whole foods, and watched True Blood. Saturday I slept 15 hours, I think I was tired. Today my walking is pretty pretty good, I made everyone check me out in the office like a toddler. I get only occasional muscle spasms and feeling I am being electrocuted every once and a while instead of every few minutes. It's healing, I just have to be patient and let it do it's thing. </div>
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All this being said, instead of pouring one out for my homey right calf, please stretch yours. Don't be like me, I am only half kidding about this. Tight calves are no joke apparently. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I will drink all of these if I can walk normal tomorrow. </td></tr>
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Annahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17762115760694650114noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2149234459680138738.post-21270630454927715222013-07-23T11:56:00.000-04:002013-07-23T12:25:50.030-04:00If You Wanna Think Differently...Then Act Differently. I hate when people say,"Get over it." I think there are few phrases more dismissive then that. I'm pretty aware that fear is not rational and that feelings are not rational and usually if given a choice I would get over it thank you very much. There are some times though when really you do need to take some steps to get over it.<br />
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I've been reading a lot of blogs lately centered around ladies who take fashion risks. They wear crazy colored tights, jumpsuits, short shorts, things that I am like oh nooooooo, not for me. Why not? I mean sure some things are best left unseen but there is no real reason I should not be wearing things I want to. I mean these women are no different then I am. I adopt this well they're far braver then I, I could NEVER do that, or her legs are waaaaaay skinnier then mine. Um...No. Why couldn't I? Because I don't have the exact body I want? Because I am not a size whatever? Why? This is a case when really the answer is to get over it. Actually not just to get over it but maybe a more emphatic get the f**k over it. Wear what you want, be who you want regardless of what you look like. You know how you believe and do this more? It's not by magic or the a visit from the Fearless Fairy at night, it's by actually doing it. Ugh, hate when there's no shortcut but such is life.<br />
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I really am not a fan of the it's okay for her but not for me attitude. There's no difference between us. Okay maybe someone has a great set of legs they should be dressing to accentuate and someone else has a killer rack but the idea of caring less what others think and more what you like is the same. No one is above or below that. What I really love about some of these ladies is not that they're wearing clothes that a lady of a certain size shouldn't, they are being themselves. They are expressing who they are with what they wear and accepting their bodies, taking risks. Daring to put themselves out there. It's pretty awesome. It's a awesome way of life, and makes for some really stunning outfits.<br />
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It's been really positive and influential for me seeing this. Reading what inspires these ladies, what their influences are and how it translates into an outfit. I'm similar. I dress thematically usually. I have an end goal or a place it go inspired from but so often I hold myself back. Lately nope. Short hair, don't care. Sleeveless dresses, ridiculous nail art, skimpy shirts, it's all been fair game to explore and been a lot of fun. More importantly I'm getting over it.<br />
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I REALLY have a serious girl crush on some of these ladies:<br />
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/goog_169619821"><br /></a>
<a href="http://www.thefatgirlsguide.com/">http://www.thefatgirlsguide.com/</a><br />
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<a href="http://www.stylepluscurves.com/">http://www.stylepluscurves.com/</a><br />
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<a href="http://www.nearsightedowl.com/">http://www.nearsightedowl.com/</a><br />
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<a href="http://www.ecarolinewalters.com/">http://www.ecarolinewalters.com/</a><br />
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<a href="http://kittycatstevens.blogspot.com/">http://kittycatstevens.blogspot.com/</a><br />
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<a href="http://fromthereztothecity.blogspot.com/">http://fromthereztothecity.blogspot.com/</a></div>
Annahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17762115760694650114noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2149234459680138738.post-86845159607050325132013-07-11T11:21:00.000-04:002013-07-11T11:21:06.156-04:00Cookies & Power I think of energy as a finite resource. It helps me be more considering of where I use it and when to just drop something. Sure, I could get really worked up about the lady who just stole my cab or I can remember there will be another and save my energy. Something I do not think a lot about is power.<br />
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I've been seeing a new nutritionist. A quick recap, Marisa went away on maternity leave, and I started seeing Stephanie. Then Stephanie's husband got transferred so now I am seeing Lindsay. I get around. Lindsay is really cool and I like her. She is very smart and making me see behaviors I am so used to and resigned to differently. I also think having some fresh eyes and ears on old problems is very helpful.<br />
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All that being said, she had noticed in my food journal that I had been obsessing over a cookie. Yes, a cookie. A very specific cookie. A delicious amazing s'mores cookie. She also had flagged and pointed out that a lot of my behavior was still very restrictive and my inner dialogue critical and judgmental. No argument there. It's a constant dialogue of keeping myself on the rails. She explained though that with the restriction and the negative dialogue I was giving away my power. She explained I was giving the cookie all the power. I tell you want will stop you for a second and make you listen someone telling you a cookie has all the power. I was removing permission. She emphasized I can have a cookie whenever I want. I have easy access to it, I can allow for it in my daily intake, and I am allowed to have a cookie. A cookie is not bad, wrong, or against myself. It's a cookie. She made me buy a cookie when I did not want it and carry it around in my bag to have it available when I did want it. I was like ohhhh helllll nooooo. I am going to last three seconds, or have constant cookie chatter in my brain, or make it a test of the cookie wills. She said it's an experiment just try to have it when you want it. When your brain fires just ask do you want it. When you want the cookie have it.<br />
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This amazingly worked. Thinking of things in terms of permission and power has been really helpful for me. I remind myself I can have whatever I want whenever I want so the question is do I want it? The question is not will it make me fat, or will I think I am gross after.<br />
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Thinking about power makes me cringe a little. I do not know why. It just seems so cheesy and overblown a thought, but it's an important one, because I know feeling powerless makes me feel bad. It also is a time when I am very capable of wrecking myself. Finding the flipside of the powerless in being powerful helps set myself up for being more mindful of both emotions and scenarios.<br />
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What I really continue to enjoy about the nutritional care I receive is it's never just about food. It always relates back to my life because food is the metaphor. I let the silliest things have power over me like sleeveless dresses. I mean I had my excess skin cut off of my arms and still hesitate to go sleeveless. That is literally one of the dumbest things. What am I waiting for? Bionic arms? This week I made myself eat an ice cream cone in a sleeveless dress because it's hot, and my arms are just fine and ice cream is delicious. My friend James said you look quite smart in that dress. It made me laugh because I do like the dress very much and feel good in it, but I felt smart for realizing the time to do things is now not when your arms are more toned, or to eat the cookie in 3 days because you might be 3 days thinner, it's whenever you decide you want it.<br />
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<br />Annahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17762115760694650114noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2149234459680138738.post-63896570713649084462013-06-27T22:22:00.002-04:002013-06-27T22:22:41.906-04:00But How? I find myself asking how a lot. I know what I want to learn or do, what I don't know is how. I was getting my therapy on, and Christina said something that I thought was brilliant and worth sharing. In fact I busted out my phone to make sure I recorded it exactly how she said it. Drumroll... "Self-esteem is built through mastery of skill." Very simple statement, but a lot of truth in it.<br />
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Lately I have been holding myself more accountable for what happens to me. Seems obvious, but I think often we get caught up in reacting. We also get caught up in figuring out and questioning other people's reasons and motives. They don't really matter. What matters is not making someone else's nonsense make you feel bad about yourself. This is something I think I have to improve on. I say if I was thinner, prettier, smart they wouldn't treat me that way. I take other people's thoughtless actions as a way to hold on to my own negative self beliefs. I'm like see, you're silly to think you're awesome, if you were awesome this wouldn't happen. That's total crap and a good way to keep yourself safe. Keep yourself near what you know and safe from the disappointment and risk of looking for more. Asking for more will get me more, and help me believe I deserve more, not just sticking with what I know.<br />
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I did this recently with a friend. His behavior had not been awful but another friend put it into perspective for me when he said but do you want to be that girl. I really didn't. I did not want to be "that girl" and I realized but acting like I was okay with the behavior, and not speaking up and just reacting I was being "that girl." This is platonic sleepover man. He is ridiculously hot. I mean stupid hot but you know what he wasn't offering me anything and sleeping over was not making me feel good. The first time I was like what is this, the second time um okay don't rock the boat go with it. I realized afterwards though that his behavior was tapping into some old wounds for me. Him not making a move, but wanting comfort from me was making me feel like I wasn't good enough, and all I had to offer was being the fat girl who was safe for comfort but not good for anything else. So not good. What was also a big thunderbolt to my brain was realizing he wasn't doing this, I was. I was going along with things because he is my friend who I adore and super hot. Who was I to refuse him? I'm lucky. Um...that is total and complete utter crap. I may not be the thinnest girl, but I am attractive, interesting, funny and have a lot to offer and someone who doesn't see it should not be in my bed. The way you get that person in your bed is throwing the snuggler out. <br />
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When he tried to initiate sleep over number three I told him this isn't working for me and he listened and we had a chat and I felt about a bajillion times better. He said something interesting to me, " I adore you, and I love how I feel when I'm with you." Well that's great and all but what I would really like is someone to not like how they feel with me, but feel that way also about me. Being clear in what you want is scary. People may not like it, you may feel uncomfortable but it's a lot better then having a case of the icks. Accepting the little he was offering and acting like I should be pleased was not serving me at all. That's the sort of stuff that keeps me where I am and not getting what I want. I am way better then feeing blessed and flattered by very little.<br />
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If I feed the insecurities I have I just make them bigger. I do not dissipate them and let them have less hold and grip in my life. If I play a role in reinforcing negative thoughts, accepting less then I deserve, and keeping myself in the past then I cannot be surprised I stay stuck where I am. I cannot control a lot of things but I can control how I think, and I can control being the first line of defense in asking what I want.<br />
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It never ceases to amaze me how these big things that feel so mysterious and elusive are really not. They are skills, habits, and a lot less mysterious then they seem to be. Self esteem, and thinking you deserve more is not something that just happens overnight. It is not based on your weight, your looks, your job, whatever your hang up or thing may be. It is based on building your inner skills to not be afraid to ask for what you and challenging yourself to see that no matter what that "thing" is that you say means you deserve less that you're wrong. You deserve whatever you want and provided it doesn't hurt anyone else and you're not going to be a total ass about achieving it nothing should stand in your way and you should be the first to say it.<br />
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<br />Annahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17762115760694650114noreply@blogger.com6