The truth can be rough but the more I embrace it the easier and more comforting it is. I generally subscribe to being truthful, with myself, my friends, family, across the board. Hiding makes me anxious even if it numbs me for a short period of time.
Of course it's tough sometimes to admit things. You like someone you shouldn't, the family stuff is harder then you want it to be, your life isn't totally where you want it to be. Phewww deep breath now doesn't that feel better? A little bit...
Last week in family therapy it was just my brother and I, my mom had class or something. I am starting to grow more comfortable being around him after a year and a half of separation. However, it's still a dicey situation. For extended periods of time he is totally fine, making valid points and then all of a sudden it's like someone threw you into the deep end with no floaties. I don't know which way is up or what I am really supposed to react to. The only thing I have is my truth. The only thing I can do is be patient, kind, and humble. I can do my damnest to really hear him and try to empathize extracting the meaning of what he is saying.
That being said, I believe mental health is a fight. Some fight harder then others, or have a harder fight but we all fight for it. His pain is no worse, or more valuable then mine. It's his. He talks about accountability and responsibility while saying it's my fault he never expressed himself. It's difficult, it's exhausting, but I see someone who has very little sense of self, very little truth and a lot of fear. Finding the balance of where compassion and boundaries are is a difficult week to week balance.
In trying not to lose my own lessons in someone else I thought about how I seek out clarity, truth and directness to a degree that has to be watched. A word that comes up again and again with me is win, I say to my brother I don't know what you want me to do how do I win? I don't think our relationship is a game, but word choice is revealing. This weekend in a weird situation, I thought to myself, hmm not sure what to do next, how do I win?
There is less vulnerability in winning. You stay ahead, safe, controlled, focused, you move forward. For me there is safety, and containment in winning, and managing others. I look sometimes at my family and think what if I didn't contain, or manage myself constantly? Would I be like them? Would I be like my brother, out of control and blaming everyone but himself? My mom, someone who cannot own any actions of her own? I have no idea. That's not entirely true actually. I am not like my mom or brother in many ways. Many good, and some more negative, but I am not like them at the core. It's worth containing less and exploring more to see what happens.