Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Houston we have a Meltdown

I do not recommend melting down at 9am in the morning at your nutritionist's office. It makes you one sleepy so and so the rest of the day. The session started well and then I was a blubbering mess. I spent most of last week in my head, but then when I started talking things out with Marisa the tears came. I am so overwhelmed right now by the concept and idea of moving beyond defending, explaining, and apologizing, for my weight. I think dating has brought this up because it's already a pretty awkward and uncomfortable thing and it just brings your insecurities front and center. My weight has classically been a big insecurity of mine. Looks like this has not changed as much as I would like. I have made progress, grown and changed, but there are some demons still lurking in the shadows. I have to focus on the simple task of defining myself outside of my body, and appearance. Sounds simple right? It's one place to start. In the meantime I am going to stock up on waterproof eye make up to avoid the Tammy Faye Baker look. On a good note, I did lose three pounds despite being muddled and anxiety ridden because allowing myself to work through raw unpleasant emotions is neutralizing food. That is a nice trade off. I am eating well and intuitively far more productively then before. It's 100 degrees out but I am eating roasted vegetables right now because it's what I want. That is a downside to intuitive eating. My dog looks at me like really? Really? It's not hot enough we need the oven on, but I have learned the lesson that if it's what you want then it's what you should have. I wish some of the emotional lessons were as easy. I want to move forward not identify with weight, disordered eating, or insecurities, but it's not as easy as preheating an oven.

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