Lately I have been keeping it pretty balanced. I have been working hard with Jesse, running more, eating well, and I have had some results from it. Last month I lost 4.75 inches from my body bringing my 12 week total to 10.75. I mean that's almost a foot. Crazy. So why did I go off the rails and not just off the rails I restricted my food intake and binged on my alcohol.
I still do not completely trust myself to take care of myself. I don't trust myself not to self destruct. Not to push myself off the balance beam. It's always feels like a matter of time. I feel often in this healthy world like an impostor. I am not thin therefore I do not completely belong. I like who I am, but what I look like I feel still proceeds me and it grates on me. I am frustrated where I am but am unsure how to move forward. Soup for brains usually equals unhealthy behaviors on my part.
Now the real crap part of this weekend is a friend of mine and I got into a fight. We have an odd relationship. It's a little flirty but I am pretty clear on where the line is with him. I don't want more then what he offers because he offers very little. He's a lot of fun but tremendously a work in progress. I want someone a little more progress less work. We're affectionate, but in my mind no lines are crossed no steps are taken, and if anything he pushes it more then me. So we're bickering and at some point he says to me, "Don't try to sex me A.T." Gross. What a gross end to a gross night. I spluttered and said some stuff back but we have to have a proper chat about this. The statement was gross and unwarranted and I have to clear the air.
Sunday as I lay on my couch barely living regretting the night before. Regretting not taking care of myself, knowing I am worth better behavior, better care, and better words I felt comforted by that line of thought. Climbing out of patterns and old behaviors takes seeing them right? A step in getting more for yourself is wanting it and thinking you deserve it.