Thursday, June 10, 2010

Numbers are ridiculous

You really can only obsess about numbers so much. I went to Marisa on Tuesday thinking I would be down, but not too hopeful about a substantial loss. I lost 5.5 pounds. While tempting to obsess and try to recreate this magic I just can not go down that line of thinking. A valuable lesson I have learned is to look for and place importance on the goals outside the numbers. Sure the goal is always to lose. The underlying goal is always weight loss, but what can not get lost in the mix is this is a for life change not a diet. Diets have ends, and are temporary states, lives are an extended period of time. What I am doing hopefully is for life. I am less then 20 pounds away from the first time I will maintain my weight. This is daunting. Marisa also said you are at a place where it starts to get weird. I am learning who I am and introducing that person to the world at the same time. I said to her in some ways I feel adopted. I don't really know where I come from in a way. I don't know how wide my hips should be, or how big my breasts should be. They have ranged in so many different ways it's anyone's guess what their base state should be. This is freeing and scary. I want to aim for somewhere I am supposed to be, not guess or just say well this seems to be right. I want to know. I simply can not know these things, and even if I did would it matter? Most women I know have fluctuated with out a weight problem. Getting older has brought change, exercising has brought change, and some changes have been totally unexplained. They do not seem too terribly phased by this but seem to accept it's beyond them and move on. In so many ways I have had to move on from what I know and learn knew things from what a healthy serving of fruit is to what width my hips are supposed to be. They aren't supposed to be anything then they actually are.

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