Thursday, June 3, 2010

A Brief History Lesson

So I have talked a lot about myself presently but only really alluded to the past. Where did this all begin. That's a question I would love a tidy one sentence answer to, but as of yet have not been able to find it. My relationship with food got weird at some point very early on in my childhood. I can pinpoint it somewhere between 8-9 years old. It could have been earlier. I do not remember a time I was not preoccupied by food. That's me, but of course my family dynamic always deserves a mention in this place. My Mom and Dad both had/have people on their sides of the family who struggle with their weight, and there the curse of the "fat genes sentence" begins. I think there is some truth in genetics. I mean I would be ridiculous to refute this entirely, but I also think to a certain degree it's crap. I started to chub up a little when I was younger, my mom trying to be responsible starting monitoring my food, and duh duh duhhhhhhh restricting. This was not a good thing, but how was she to know. She also reinforced the idea I was "not normal", because of my family history. Sorry mom but you were kind of wrong here. Everyone has to watch what they eat. No one can just eat what they want without any consequence. It isn't about family history, metabolism, or what have you, but choices. This lesson was never taught to me. It was a quest to dampen my appetite, and be thin. I just don't think my mom really knew how to verbalize her desires for me, or what to do with her worst fear of her kid showing signs of it coming true. I really don't blame her despite how this might come across but what I have learned is how it's all related. My mom did the best she could and god bless her she took me to every specialist, doctor, therapist, guru you name it, she took me to them desperate for any answer, solution, anything. What I do find odd is I binged from a very young age, and this became an unspoken game in my house. The game would be I would sneak things like peanut butter and would take a spoon full up to my room. I couldn't put the spoon in the sink or dishwasher for fear of getting caught but eventually my mom would notice we were down to very few spoons, never mind the rate we were going through the PB. Then I would deny oh no I don't know where your spoons are and the game would be spoons better be returned by sundown. I think my mom was so utterly confused by my behavior and had no idea what to do. Everyone overweight just ate a lot and yo-yo dieted in my family what I was doing was very different. I sort of disagree now with the perception because I think at least 2 other people in my family binged and were emotional eaters, but whatever, neither here nor there. My own father who died at 49 of a heart attack died in denial about his own weight issues, and struggles so denial abounded in my family. I can not speak for them and their food relationships. One of them said to me post gastric bypass she was upset by her inability to soothe herself via food, but acted shock when I expressed a inability to control myself around certain food. Sure, because you get to gastric with eating well and carrot sticks. Snarkiness aside she has her own issues and I have mine. Moving a long I started a long tortuous history with yo-yo dieting, lying to nutritionists, different medicines, praying at night to be normal, and feeling completely totally and utterly disconnected from myself and my body. It wasn't until I was 28 and started researching gastric bypass that I finally had a breakthrough and breakdown. I thought okay I fold I'll have gastric, done. Well in researching gastric an alarm bell went off for me. Lap band was the first thing I pursued, and then a surgeon said to me I can do that but more then likely you will have gastric. Uh oh. It was then I realized gastric is surgery not a lobotomy. I then went into a depression because what I could no longer hide from was I was not happy being fat. I was not the jolly fat girl. I was tired, lonely and not having fun anymore. This helped me finally ask for help. It made me finally say to my mom you do not understand because I don't even understand. It's hard to be extremely overweight and say I am not going to have gastric. Everyone asks well why not. I did not know what my problem was yet, but I knew well enough it was in my head and not in my belly. I explained to my mom my dream was to be able to eat like everyone else in that I could stop when full, create healthy meals for myself, not fear foods, not fear meals, not feel like I did not deserve to eat. Once I unleashed the crazy she started listening. This also lead me to google and I came across my now nutritionist and I could not be happier or more grateful that I did. I am still so thankful that when I finally I said I give and I need help I received it and saw it being available to me. I made the appointment while I still had the nerve and of course went in trying to fool Marisa. In about 40 minutes Marisa had seen through and called me on my BS and while I did not like her in that moment, what I really did not like was myself. Who I had become this collection of misery. She not only helped me lose weight but gave me life back and since then it has been hard but an amazing experience I would not trade for anything. For anyone in the NY area I could not recommend Marisa Sherry at Melainie Rogers Nutrition. They are life savers and the most amazing women you could hope to meet. If you want a safe place where people understand things you don't they are it. Website below. That's the history for now. It's condensed for everyone's benefit.

1 comment:

  1. Wow. The more I read this the more it sounds like me. I also used to sneak spoons of peanut butter. I had t have a whole ridiculous conversation about it with my Mom and I honestly told her I had no idea why I did it.