Wednesday, June 2, 2010

A touch crispy

I do not know why but lately I have been struggling to stay connected and to keep moving forward. I feel like I am rebelling in some ways, but I do not have anything to rebel against or to be upset about. Work has been stressful yes, but I think I am hiding behind that excuse as some sort of license to have loosened my grip on my eating. I have not gained weight but I also have not lost it. I am definitely lacking motivation right now. I feel it intellectually. I see the improvements, I feel them but part of me is just so burnt out. I am so over tracking all my intake, making it to the gym 5-7 times a week, constantly thinking about my choices, feelings, and everything in between. It seems like nothing to manage at one point, I was almost on autopilot and losing weight. Now I feel like I have to be hyper aware and it's exhausting. I am exhausted and yet I am far from done, and then there's the whole rest of my life ahead of me issue. I think I am more scared of maintaining then I am really willing to admit and I am really close to the first time I am going to do that. I am at the crossroads in many ways of deciding am I really going to be this person I have been striving to become? Am I really going to commit to eating 3 meals, 2 snacks a day and maintaining a work out regime I can maintain the rest of my life. Am I going to quit the excuses, the it's not that bad, it's Tuesday I have a week to work it off before weigh in. Am I really going to leave this behavior behind. I want to more then anything, but it's not what I know. It's not familiar to me, comfortable or the skin I've been in. It is much easier for me to freak out not examine it and gain weight. I mean who doesn't like to just eat crap and pretend they don't care? It's a lot harder to admit that I do care, that I am worn out from bolstering myself, that I am sad I am not where I want to be yet, that I want to better understand things I don't yet. It's a lot harder to admit them and to not want to run away from them. Today I choose to examine, to not run and to embrace the fear but not be paralyzed by it. I have done so many things I never thought I would do and need to constantly remind myself of that and stay grounded.

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