I am not a hugely regretful person. Of course I have some, a lot are fashion choices or things I thought were the epitome of cool and were not, or food related both things I should and should not have eaten. I have a few related to how long I lived my life disconnected and overweight. I get why I did, or I should say I am beginning to. It's not something you can really regret it just happened and I have to accept it and move on. Easier said then done. What I tend to regret most is things I say. These are not things which are hurtful or anything like that. No I am talking about emotional sluttiness.
It's weird getting to know people. I have a less then straightforward history. There is a big mix of good and bad. While my childhood was not awful it was not amazing either. I have a weird relationship with my family, a Dad who dropped dead when I was 16, I had cancer, a lifetime battle with eating disorders, and now a huge weight loss. It's tough to know when to share and when not to. I used to overshare way too much way too fast. I think I did this to see if I could push someone away and it also felt dishonest to me not telling them where I came from. The way I saw it was well if we're friends they are going to learn about it sooner then later. I am better at tempering this now. I am better about slowly but surely letting things out, and just taking the time to get to know someone and letting them know me. I still struggle sometimes with what is over sharing and what is just sharing? I also typically am plagued with these feelings of regret after telling someone things about myself. I want to flee. I want to never see them again. I obsess over it, replay it, cringe, and then eventually end up at regret. I wish I had a history that was all puppies, unicorns and rainbows but I don't and I can not feel ashamed or bad about that. I constantly am afraid that things which happened to me will push people away and I will continue to be victimized by them. How much of this is real and how much I project I do not know. Where it really worries me is with men. At the core I feel like I do not deserve someone who has it together because I am so tainted by the past and every time I get to know someone I feel like I slip down the ladder a little bit after each disclosure. I become THAT girl. The one who seems like she has it together but she's a mess and too much too take on. I feel like this would be a good time to remind myself and everybody fear is not always rational.
I think this is part of why I keep myself on an island. This is why I have lots of different groups of friends I move between, I maintain loose ties to my extended family, and dating scares the absolute bejesus out of me. On my island I am safe. I do not have to worry about rejection. I can feel secure about keeping my secrets to myself and allowing people to know who I want them to know. I am tired of this island though but finding a new way to be is tough. Finding a way to balance my disclosing nature with what a natural pace of knowledge of is tricky. It's different for every relationship and everybody. How do you know when to share what and do you have to?
How does everyone else deal with disclosing their past?