Friday, November 11, 2011

But do they really?

The 1930's got so much right aside from the whole Depression thing. 

In continuing on my dating and man related musings I have been thinking a lot about weight and attraction. Did everyone get a chance to see the Ashley Madison ad's that are pretty gross and offensive? Don't worry I posted them down below. What has been amazing to me is not just the reaction. Ashley Madison a website geared towards allowing you to cheat on your spouse would not be keeping it too classy so why would their ads be? From them I expect little. I am however amused by their name being close to a plus sized women's clothing brand.  I have however, been really impressed by the reactions. I was reading over at xo.jane in their reaction to the ad and how larger ladies have sex and plenty of it. The article was cool, but the really interesting thing to me was the comment section. Woman after woman talking about how being larger did not impact their love life. A brave man even waded into the comment water. While he was slightly ick I appreciated that he commented and shared his thoughts as someone who thought he had to come out of the fat closet of liking women who did not subscribe to norms.

I'll admit it what spun me less was not a guy saying having sex with large ladies was great, but all the women discussing their weights and sex lives in relation to them. There were multiple women who said they weighed 200 and 300 plus pounds and felt their love lives had not been impacted. This is tough for me to grasp. See now it was told to me a big reason I had to lose weight was for men to like me and find me attractive. The idea that men can find me attractive not thin is a challenging one for me. On the one hand I know men who have found me attractive, they have either told me or tried to see me naked which is pretty proof positive, but I am not sure how much I totally believed and trusted their attraction. While I have my own issue struggling to really believe I am attractive and more importantly offer more then my figure from an attraction stand point what came across to me loud and clear is confidence. I think in some ways I gave off more confidence at 300 plus pounds because I wanted to deflect. I refused to be an overweight wallflower. I overcompensated big time. I went after the hottest guys who came across my path and pursued them undeterred. I would be outrageous, fearless, and just faked, faked, faked that confidence until I thought it had been bought. I do not really do that anymore. I mean occasionally I do, like when I am put on the spot in a meeting with someone. Sure, I will fake it to a degree that I forget I was nervous or unsure, but in a social setting I am a lot less inclined to do this. I feel more confident at the core. I feel more sure of who I am and that being an okay and good thing, but sadly this does not completely translate into my appeal to the opposite sex. It's been said enough and by enough people for me to believe that confidence is sexier then a size. I have embraced and drank this kool-aid.

Okay so we know confidence is probably one of the number one things we're all looking for. Not just men. I know for me a guy who is confident without being an ego maniac is suuuper seksi to me. I mean you're cool with just being who you are and relaxed in that? Hubba hubba. Moving forward I want to change how I display confidence. I do not want to go back to where I was before. I think that girl was a borderline jerk sometimes and it was exhausting. I want to find a way to really internalize that what I think of men and attraction is not so correct. What I was told regarding needing to be thin to get a man was told to me by a woman. What does she know? I mean really. I can not really ignore the fact though that while I have dated since I have lost weight I have not had a dramatic increase in male interest. I sort of thought the weight would come off and the boys would line up. Not really the most realistic plan or well thought out, but I guess I just sort of thought it would take care of itself. I would be able to relax more and not pursue and would be pursued is what I distill from my flawed logic. Here's the real kicker when men do seem genuinely interested in me I am still a little flipped out. I immediately think of all the negatives. I think oh no can't you come back round in a few months when I have more weight off. Why?! They like me now, as I am and they are not stupid. They know when the jeggings come off I am not going to suddenly morph into a size 6, I know this, they are cool with this why do I REFUSE to believe it and just trust it? The short answer would be I am a scaredy cat. The long one I am not sure yet because I have fine arts degrees not ones in psychology unfortunately.

I do know this though you never really know what someone is looking for and just assuming they do not want you is one surefire way to shut something down before it even has a chance. I mean I have liked a huge varied merry band of men, I would like to say liked not necessarily dated, or been in a relationship with. Their looks have had little in common, I've dated guys who were tall, short, different races, wildly different looks. What they did have in common was they were all funny, smart, amused by shenanigans, the character traits link them not the looks. Looking at this and seeing what I myself have been drawn to and how it's about the person and yes a dose of attraction makes me want to approach it a little differently. Why not think just for a second that you're pretty great and have these awesome hips on top of it to offer and he might just like that to? I challenge myself to this...and to quit only going on lady dates with my girlfriends. That certainly is not getting me any closer to dating men even though it is a delightful way to spend an evening.

What do ya'll think? Do you really believe confidence is the answer? How has weight affected your dating life?

I think the most offensive part is these are not even remotely clever ads. 

Oh good a simplified check and x system to make it REALLY clear. 

Also here are links to interviews with the model, who's name is Juicy Jacqulyn ( I love that, I might sneak a juicy into my name somewhere) who's image was used without her knowledge. She's pretty great in her own right, and I loved that a lot of her outrage was in promoting body shaming.


  1. Hey there! Funny that you write about this. It's one topic I've been thinking about recently.
    Actually, I have to admit that my weight does not affect my dating life, at least not obiously. But it affects my reactions. I don't like what I see, so I cannot believe when a guy tells me that I am beautiful. It makes me insecure. I cannot be what I'd like to be when I am with a guy. Strange thing, like you, I just cannot believe when a guy finds me attractive. But I am working on that.

    By the way, I really like your blog. ;)
    Lots of love from Germany!

  2. Sarah- What is that?! I mean I would totally be lying if I said I didn't want guys to find me attractive but the second they do I want to talk them out of it. Arrghhh being a girl is so confusing :) I am so impressed you blog in English! I certainly could not blog in German. Thank you for stopping by I look forward to reading your blog. Lots of love back from NYC!