Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Wading in the Muck

Lets see a few things to update on. The holiday was lovely. Everyone behaved! My brother informed me I looked skinny and was hardly even fat anymore. Charming isn't he? He then continued and said depending on what guys I asked they might not think I was fat either. What I learn from little dagger comments like that though is I don't really give an eff what he thinks and you can not like something, but still not react to it negatively. I just shut it down. My new line when someone says something I just do not wish to even get into is retreat. I literally said to my brother retreat, retreat, and then when he was still talking I said, " You know I am kind of in a new place where I don't care what guys think. I could be a size 0 and some guy could still say I was fat if I let them." I have learned the hard way when you give people the power to validate you, it's a tough road back to reclaiming that as your personal right. I am looking to no longer give that away and certainly not to my brother. I do totally care what guys think but I no longer look to a male opinion to give me any validation or determine if I am fat or not. Regardless of whether or not I am, I no longer identify with fat. I have days I slip a little back and definitely struggle to see the progress I have made and by no means do I think I am thin I just try not to think in those limited terms anymore.

I sort of went a little man crazy over the weekend. Ugh. Can we take a moment to discuss secret crushes and how they start out all innocent and delightful and then take on a whole new life of their own? It starts so innocently and then before you know it they breathe and you are looking for meaning in it. I decided I wanted off the crazy train after making a panicked phone call to Katie Sunday night. Usually I am not a make a frantic phone call about a dude kind of girl. I would be fine with that if most of the situation was not 1. in my head, and 2. starting to take on a life of it's own. I was so freaked by my behavior I brought it up in therapy. I had one of those realizations that is very simple but one I had never made. I seek out emotionally unavailable men. This particular one I would not describe as emotionally unavailable, but physically because no moves are being made and I am certainly not making one. I not only seek them out, but I have never not known one. I mean any guy who has ever spent an extended amount in my life has not been emotionally available. It's what I know so it's what I drift towards. I still have quite a bit of thinking to do on this front. Obviously it's easier said then done trying to squash a crush but it's not impossible if you quit feeding it. I have to starve the crush. I spoke to Katie again last night, seeking out her wise counsel and something else I said to her is I am not giving in to unhealthy instincts or behaviors but I guess I just thought it would feel differently. This is not the case. Just because you do not act out does not mean the impulses do not change. Hmmm the irony of this parallel in my many other struggles is not lost on me for the record.

Moving along, the weight is I am not going to lie to you not so awesome. It's up. How much I am not 100% sure, but definitely a few pounds. This week I am going to try to keep it clean. I was supposed to have a few get drinks catch ups and I scaled that back. I am a little over alcohol right now, and just feeling a little gross and over indulgent so out goes the alcohol off the bat.

Another thing is I am returning to yoga. After my spectacular break up with my yoga instructor I am diving back in. I totally used our split as a reason to run away from yoga. It was definitely stirring feelings and the bust up gave me a great and convenient excuse to duck out. I am excited to get back into yoga, not so excited about what it could stir up but I am at a point right now where I want to be confronting what is uncomfortable then ignoring it. Delving through the past is not easy, it's emotionally draining, upsetting, and a daily battle, but I tell you what each thing I allow myself to think about as an adult loses a little of it's power over me. The lessening of the hold makes me feel like the fears, experiences, and unknowns that hold me back from reaching my goals are not impossible to move beyond. They really aren't they are just as not easily worked through or remedied as I would like. I would love to just make a list and merrily work my way through it. Just does not work that way with emotional muck unfortunately. I get it, I accept it, and now I work on it.

Anyone want to share some secret or not so secret crush stories to make me feel less foolish? I'll be your best friend and love you forever.


  1. Haha you know my secret crush story. They can be fun and very teenage, but who doesn't like a little high school action once in a while? :)

  2. Go you with the decisive action and 'starving the crush'. I LOVE that concept.

    Ahhhh boys, so pretty to look at but such a tangled mess of e-mooo-shuns. I had a super intense crush on one of my best friends a few years ago. He was unbelievably hot and just the nicest guy but there was never going to be anything more than friendship.

    The worst thing...he and my flatmate at the time had a little fling. I wouldn't have minded so much, but my flatmate was an evil, manipulative lier and I didn't want to see him sucked in.

    We kind of drifted apart and I still miss him, both as a friend and an unrequited crush. Le sigh.

    These days, my crushes are generally inappropriately directed at the lovely boys who hang out at Southbank on their bikes and skateboards. It doesn't hurt to look, right?