Something I do not talk about often is dating. There's no real reason I don't, except I do not date much. I am not a good dater. I get nervous, there are episodes of epic face sweats and I am definitely pre-disposed to going into a creepy nervous version of myself. I would like to be seeing someone and for a little while I got really hopped up on this. I was tired of being alone and felt ready to be with someone. Yeah, I wasn't ready. I was dating someone for a little while and it was stirring the eee-mo-shuns. I was super scared. Scared of actually being with someone, being hurt, and all my insecurities were crashing in on me hard. Let me also be clear. I have zero game. If I am not into someone I can be terribly charming, if I like you I am a fool. I think this is the curse everyone suffers from. I am learning how to be more relaxed and focus less on rejection and more on chemistry. When it does not work it's not because there is anything wrong with you but it just did not work out. This is incredibly hard to keep in mind. I want it to be the old excuse of I was too fat. I am not too fat anymore so I have to challenge myself to actually accept and process that this man might actually like and accept me. Scary.
Anyway back to the guy. We had been dating a little while. Not serious and it was sort of a weird situation. He lives somewhere else so there were travel dates and it was all very exciting. One night we were on the phone. He had actually had quite a bit to drink. He says, " I do not know why you are playing so hard to get. I can get girls hotter then you." Wow. Once I had picked my jaw up I said a thing or two and got off the phone. My feelings were definitely hurt, but also that's probably one of the worst things someone could say to me. I learned something important though, it did not crumple me, and how I dealt with this was revealing. I broke it off with him. I told him straight up drunk or not he meant it on some level, and even if he did not, I did not want to date someone who lashed out when they were not getting what they wanted. It would have been easy for me to stick around. I know how to do that. I know how to be with someone who prays on my insecurities and says things that are crappy. Been there, done that, bored by it. I can keep doing that. I can keep seeing guys who make me feel crappy because they are there and available or I can just bide my time and wait for a great one. I would rather wait.
I have been hanging out with a really great guy. Just hanging, just friendship, but he is really a fantastic person. He is kind, respectful, and nice to me. At first I was confused by him completely. I was hugely doubtful he was actually who he seems to be. I kept waiting for the other side to come out. It never does. He shows up when he is supposed to, he does what he says, and his actions match his words. While tempting to try to make this friendship into something more I am taking a different approach. I am just hanging out. I am learning how to be around someone amazing who makes me feel great around them to guide me in truly believing and seeing that is the type of guy I should be dating. I am also just being myself. I am actually allowing him to see who I am and taking that risk. I am reminding myself that even if this does not end up in romance it's not a failure. I am lucky to have a few great guys in my life who remind me what I should be after and what I need to quit settling for. Their friendship shows me what is possible. Great guys who accept you for who you are. Not icky guys who take their own issues out on you. I know intellectually it's more about them then me, but I also know that I turn this stuff against myself. I am inclined to think if I try harder, work more, be better, more perfect they will change, be happier, like me more. It's exhausting and it certainly is not healthy or sexy.
I have wasted way too much time with guys who did not appreciate me and the worst part is it wasn't their fault. It was mine. I did not appreciate myself and I certainly did not think I deserved someone who had it together. We all have baggage, we all have issues, but it does not mean we have to be with someone broken to hide out with. As much as it scares me I want to challenge myself to date up, and not down. To not seek out the guys I know play to my unhealthy side and bring out the worst in me. I want to surround myself with people who make me want to only put best self forward and who appreciate it and are considerate of it. I have my moments where I want to melt down, think really cuckoo thoughts but then I take a breath, remind myself I am awesome and move this show along.