Ride the Wave

Bluuurghhhhh what an emotional roller coaster the past few days have been. I feel the tiniest bit better, I am less prone to bursting into tears which is nice. I still miss my dog with an ache that when I really think about it instantly makes my cry. I better understand why I used to numb the crap out of myself. Emotions are rough. Just letting yourself feel awful is rough. This whole feeling thing is how I ended up collapsed on my kitchen floor sobbing the other night. No es bueno. I am comforted by knowing that right now I am feeling awful which creates space for joy. If you never really let yourself feel sad, then I think you cannot ever really truly feel happy. It's all scary.

I have not been eating my feelings which makes me angry. I want to. I fight the impulse. I wanna eat mac and cheese, sweets, anything vaguely comforting but I know the thrill is gone. I know that the comfort of distraction will be so fleeting it's not worth it. I think about a glass (bottle) of wine but I know I will be drinking it in my apartment where my dog no longer is. There are no check outs and this is annoying. 

In Dumplin's last moments I kept petting her the whole time. I knew it was my last time to do so and I think it kept me grounded. It kept me in the present. As I struggle to stay present to just ride the wave of feeling sad, and upset, I am comforted so much by those last moments. I was there. I was actually present and accounted for and I better understand now why being present and accounted for in life is a gift in it's own way. Nothing certainly tastes as good as those memories feel right now.