Thursday, December 6, 2012

Ride the Wave

Bluuurghhhhh what an emotional roller coaster the past few days have been. I feel the tiniest bit better, I am less prone to bursting into tears which is nice. I still miss my dog with an ache that when I really think about it instantly makes my cry. I better understand why I used to numb the crap out of myself. Emotions are rough. Just letting yourself feel awful is rough. This whole feeling thing is how I ended up collapsed on my kitchen floor sobbing the other night. No es bueno. I am comforted by knowing that right now I am feeling awful which creates space for joy. If you never really let yourself feel sad, then I think you cannot ever really truly feel happy. It's all scary.

I have not been eating my feelings which makes me angry. I want to. I fight the impulse. I wanna eat mac and cheese, sweets, anything vaguely comforting but I know the thrill is gone. I know that the comfort of distraction will be so fleeting it's not worth it. I think about a glass (bottle) of wine but I know I will be drinking it in my apartment where my dog no longer is. There are no check outs and this is annoying. 

In Dumplin's last moments I kept petting her the whole time. I knew it was my last time to do so and I think it kept me grounded. It kept me in the present. As I struggle to stay present to just ride the wave of feeling sad, and upset, I am comforted so much by those last moments. I was there. I was actually present and accounted for and I better understand now why being present and accounted for in life is a gift in it's own way. Nothing certainly tastes as good as those memories feel right now. 


  1. Thank you. See experiencing sadness lets you let your guard down and get interwebz hugs!

  2. Beautiful post, you said it all.

  3. Oh Anna:( Countless hugs and love going your way. xx