I have not been eating my feelings which makes me angry. I want to. I fight the impulse. I wanna eat mac and cheese, sweets, anything vaguely comforting but I know the thrill is gone. I know that the comfort of distraction will be so fleeting it's not worth it. I think about a glass (bottle) of wine but I know I will be drinking it in my apartment where my dog no longer is. There are no check outs and this is annoying.
In Dumplin's last moments I kept petting her the whole time. I knew it was my last time to do so and I think it kept me grounded. It kept me in the present. As I struggle to stay present to just ride the wave of feeling sad, and upset, I am comforted so much by those last moments. I was there. I was actually present and accounted for and I better understand now why being present and accounted for in life is a gift in it's own way. Nothing certainly tastes as good as those memories feel right now.