Last Wednesday I was given a gift. A very complicated one I have a lot of feelings about but a gift nonetheless. What was this gift? I lost my job. The company I worked for restructured and restructured me out. The decision was explained by financial streamlining. I am sure this is a factor but the real reason in my opinion is different. I no longer belonged there. I no longer fit. I no longer was growing, prospering or doing my best work. I was checked out, unsettled, and frustrated. I could list all the negatives, and dwell on it but it won't help me or really change anything.
I am freaked out by what lies ahead. I have never been unemployed. I have worked with a chunk of the people I just left for almost 9 years and the majority of my career. I have no idea what is before me. I do not completely think I grasp what has happened. I am still in shock. All of that being said I am so excited. I am so excited to be free. To be free of old dynamics, old habits, and old roles. I have no idea what lies ahead of me. What I do know is my eating has been healthier and more balanced then it has been for months. I have been totally overwhelmed by the kindness and support people have shown me. I am going to LA this weekend. In the meantime I am going to pick myself up, enjoy some downtime, and tackle the scariest thing on my plate what do I want to be when I grow up.
These past few months I have felt jealous of the people around me. Their lives moving forward, having changes, and evolving. It hit me recently what I was jealous of. Most of these people were actively making choices, acting on them and carrying them out. I was drifting. I kept saying oh I can't do that, or I wish. Careful what you wish for. My life is moving forward and I have the chance to decide where.
Anna,
ReplyDeleteWhat a very stressful situation. However, I believe stress can be a good thing, especially because of the way you described being stuck. This type of stress can push you to new levels of success and greatness that I know you can achieve.
If financial strain is a worry, then please forget about your give-a-way!! Your financial stability is much more important than my minor (okay, major) Starbucks addiction!
Amie :)
Happy to see that you are not focusing exclusively on the negative. You are observing yourself and your situation with a healthy amount of objectivity and clarity. It's natural to feel scared, cautious, unsure, etc. "Everything happens for a reason" is a clichéd saying that I've detested for years, but time and time again it has proven itself to be true in my own life and in the life of people I know.
ReplyDeleteYou may have come to a standstill in your job, but as someone who's been following your blog for a while you've shown dramatic and inspiring growth as a person.
I kind of like to think that you outgrew your old job, not vice versa. You've become a new person since a couple of years back, so be excited for what lies ahead. You'll do great things, and I can't wait to read about it :D
I'm really sorry to hear you've lost your job. Although it seems in a way you're happy to have gotten this kick in the butt to change paths. I hope making a reference to a sitcom isn't inappropriate, but now like Rachel from Friends, you have "the fear!" I'm sure you'll find something soon and love it even more than your old job!
ReplyDelete"Last Wednesday I was given a gift. A very complicated one I have a lot of feelings about but a gift nonetheless. What was this gift? I lost my job."
ReplyDeleteWOW!
Good for you for realizing this. Most people would be moping. But you've seen through the vail of disappointment and understand it for what it really is- a BLESSING. I've always believed God kicks us in the behind when he knows we need to get moving; or rather, when he knows we've needed to get moving for quite some time but haven't done it on our own. You are meant to be somewhere else, to do something else with your life, and you know what? Even though I've just found you I know this: You already know what it is. Our intuitions speak to us all the time. It's ours souls shouting out to us. You know what you want. You know what makes you happy. Now do it. You haven't forgotten your dreams, you're probably just so used to repressing them or ignoring them that you forgot what they looked like. But you haven't forgotten what they FEEL like. Trust yourself. I hope you use this time wisely... to be the you you've always wanted to be. I'm not sure if you have a severance package,but it so- Hallelujah! Use it frugally, and make it last, so you have the time you need to establish yourself. And, if you need a little extra cash in the interim, Waiting tables or Bartending, just a couple of nights a week, will help you to bring in that necessary cash, but not waste too much of your newly gifted time. Just a suggestion.
Nice to have found you.
Amie- No way Jose! A giveaway is a giveaway! I am actually post office bound tomorrow. It did get a little lost in the proverbial shuffle. Thank you however for being so true to your sweet nature.
ReplyDeletemicrolife- Thank you so much! I really appreciated your thoughts and insight. I think I outgrew it to, but was a little too scared to admit it. If you admit it then you have to deal with it right?
Gen- You can quote a sitcom at me anytime :) Thanks for the well wishes.
Michelle- Thanks so much for your comment and for reaching out. I agree with so much of what you said and I am trying to focus on those things and make sense of it all. Thank you for taking the time to articulate so many beneficial thoughts. I appreciate it.