Friday, August 23, 2013

Crush Crunched

I've been doing things a little bit differently lately. I have not been worrying about my weight. I have been eating mindfully and trying to believe in the trust I have in myself. Amazing that not worrying about your weight helps you lose weight. 

I have felt free from the constant unrelenting pressure to try harder, eat less, workout more, push myself further. I have tried to drift and find my own way a little more. I pushed when I felt strong, I backed off when I felt sore. I ate what I felt like concentrating on what makes me feel good, healthy, and my body likes. I strove less to control things and just said what do you want? How do you feel? What do you need? I wasn't feeling fruit this week so I didn't eat much of it and I didn't lecture myself over it. It's been pretty nice. 

In the midst of all this reshuffling someone's come into my path. At first I was like cute, but whatever. Then we actually hit it off. I let my guard down, and I went into full blown crush mode. After a lovely several week flirtation he's pulled back and I am baffled and sad. I thought I just liked the attention. It's worse then that I like him. 

My nutritionist pointed out you're making yourself vulnerable in both your food choices and in your life and it's shifting your thinking I want you to keep pushing this. Scary. I ate fig and brie mac and cheese this week. Twice. I ate what I wanted, not the whole thing, because I let myself have it. I didn't make it into anything but mac and cheese as a side dish to turkey meatballs and greens. 

I see and feel progress with food and my body. I find myself being more positive, confident, supportive. I find myself encouraging myself instead of chastising. When it comes to the fellas though I still feel this sense of scaredy cat gulp. My friends say he probably thinks you don't like him and backed off you need to hold his hand a little. This scares the crap out of me. The past month or so though being open, being more vulnerable has certainly enriched my life. I just feel torn as to whether this person was a lesson for the future or is something I should pursue now. 

I wish the question was about the mac and cheese. That I know the answer to. It's yes. Always yes to mac and cheese. To taking a chance on someone or them taking a chance on you I have no answers. 


  1. Take a chance! I am proud of you. It is scary, but you can still take a chance and feel good about yourself after, no matter the outcome. Be true to what you want and let go of the outcome.

    Most importantly, be gentle with yourself, but keepinh pushing (if that makes sense).

    You are on the brink of something exciting! I can feel it. And I don't necessarily mean with this guy, but with your life, in general. :)

    1. You are so sweet and thoughtful in your responses. I really appreciate the kind words and encouragement! I also hope you are a little psychic :)