I feel like lately on the blog I like to state and explore really trite phrases people trot out. I have found though part of why I hate them so much is because there is more truth then I care to admit. Lately I have been just relaxing and being myself. For the most part it's making me happier, more relaxed and I am benefiting from it. Why is it so hard to do and why do we avoid it so much? I know for me so much of it comes from fear and just plain ole not liking the answer right in front of my face.
I can't relax with food because what if I lose my shit and eat all the things? When I take a honest look at my behavior and how I eat I see this does not really happen. It's a self imposed fear myth I make myself live under that is not reality. When I relax and be myself I eat pretty well because it makes me feel better. These days and past few years if I take a break from criticizing myself I value what makes me feel better more, not because it's pro-weight loss or "good". I define eating well as mostly whole foods, with a mix of protein, fat and carbs, minimizing the processed and mindless. When I stay checked in and focused on what do I want and what makes me feel good, I don't want all the brownies, and the candy. I really don't. Someone offered me half a brownie yesterday and I said no and I didn't praise myself for it, or think I had done some unbelievable thing. I didn't want it so I didn't eat it. I can have a brownie whenever I want so why eat one when I don't? Plus I'm a brownie snob not a brownie slut. Get the brownie you actually want when you want a brownie not the first one that comes a calling.
As for the life....the crush I wrote about...well I'm finding my way. I haven't just shut it down. His attention is still around and I still do not completely know what to do with it. We text most days, we see each other often and I am just relaxing. I have no idea what it all means. I am just going to be myself. This weekend that included post a few drinkies asking him to hang out. He had plans but I put myself out there. I saw him the next day and was tempted to feel dumb and foolish. He teased me a bit because he knew I was tipsy, but I thought why are you feeling dumb? Do you regret it? No. He said he already had plans but wished he could co-conspire, why are you being weird? I want immediate gratification for taking a risk and that's just a really good way to stop taking risks because that isn't really the deal. You just have to take action don't ya? Can't really worry about the outcome unfortunately.
What I am not doing which has been a negative pattern is changing myself to force the result. I am not playing to anything, I am not trying to be better, smarter, funnier, whatever quality I ID myself to be lacking and them wanting that is completely made up in my mind. I don't know what they're thinking, I don't know what I should be more of. I really don't. The only thing I can do and do well is be myself. If I just relax and try not to control the outcome, or force the result I am my best version of myself. The best thing about being that version is generally it attracts and brings the things into my life which should be and belong there.