Thursday, April 14, 2011
Why Marisa is Awesome
I love my nutritionist. This we know. She's amazing and I look forward to my sessions with her. She provides me with so much insight, and really helps me sort out the clutter in my mind. I saw her today instead of my usual Tuesday. I had a meeting Tuesday morning that was good, but then erupted into a goat rodeo making me even more annoyed I had missed Marisa time. Carrying on to today. I talked a little bit about the going out, the boredom, the chaos at work. She made some great points, and gave me as usual some things to think about. One of the biggest things that sort of relates to everything in terms of where I am at right now is I am bored with improving myself. I am worn out, drained, and bored. It was so exciting for so long, learning these new things, tools, practicing them, finding the challenges and moving beyond them. It was like being my own experiment. I have loved and valued this time tremendously but for right now it does feel a bit tedious. My apartment for example is still something of a disaster. I make baby steps to working on it, but just can not really dig in. She said well it's no different then figuring out who you are without weight loss, who are you now, and how does your home reflect that? You maybe do not have that answer yet. I definitely do not have this answer yet, that is probably why it's so overwhelming. She also said you need a project, and I said well I have my apartment, and she pointed out but it's still related to self improvement another reason why you might not be able to dig in, you're burned out. I am a little burned out. As for the going out, why do I want to just dance the nights away? Well for a really long time I didn't and it feels amazing to be able to go out, and just feel free and like I am living my life, being okay with who I am, and just being present. This also goes back to the bored with self improvement. While I am not abusing alcohol, lucky for me my body makes it virtually impossible with cray cray hangovers, and getting older is worsening this effect I can still get tipsy enough to check out. I can leave meal planning, the food journal, exercise schedule, repressed memories and feelings behind for a few hours. The great thing that she explained to me is it's okay to check out from self improvement for a beat, just as long as I do not check out from myself and my life. I absolutely do not think I am checking out from myself and life. It's wanting to check out from a small part of it. Completely changing your identity is not easy, and for the most part this process has been amazingly rewarding and I have not felt too worn out by it, but at this point I am a little worn out. I need to reassess my goals and reassess what is right for me. I thought about listing goals right this second here, but think I might ignore my impulsive nature for a hot second and actually think on this because it's important. If I want to know what life without weight loss is I have to leave some of the self improvement behind to create a space for it. Another balancing act I have to not master, but attempt, make mistakes and learn from. I'm pretty excited, and that's not even a little bit sarcastic.