Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Chub on Chub Violence

I don't have a lot of friends who struggle with their weight. A few, and the ones who struggle with that 5 pounds most women imagine extra on themselves but few who are legitimately overweight or have been. A friend of mine and I were catching up and she actually has several friends who struggle with their weight. My favorite line from the evening as we ate crispy pork belly ( naturally), "I don't have a weight requirement for my friends",  when someone remarked she had a lot of overweight friends. She has friends who do struggle with their weight, some care, some don't, some are in denial, and some actively working on it. It's completely fascinating to me, because she has been super supportive to me and I think probably is to those around her, but she gets a lot of crap thrown her way. Some friends talk about one another to her knowing these people are her friends, and by talk I mean some real cutting comments. I mean you know you are talking to this person's friend, what are you doing? Not so much that they will tell them, but why put her in the middle? It's sort of sucky on two fronts, you're being mean to two people really.

This is perplexing to to me. I know I have done it, I know in the past I would be the first person to gleefully point out someone else's weight gain, on the inside glad it wasn't me, feeling less alone, and all the time pretending it hurt me for that person. No it didn't. Not even a little bit. I think I avoided having overweight friends because I felt like it attracted more attention to my weight. I think I thought if I surrounded myself with enough cute girls somehow it canceled me out. I did not seek out girls who understood my struggles.

I think it's tough to befriend people who we see some of ourselves in, whether it's weight, or anything else. Why do we do it though? Why do we take down someone else who struggles with what we do? It does not make you feel better or change your situation. I have done it, no longer do it, but still have little understanding of it. I have less patience for people's weight issues in a way now. I know that sounds really weird, but my point I guess is I have all the patience in the world for people who actually want to put in the work, change their habits, and get healthy. I have zero patience for excuses, delusions, and denial. I just do not. I have been there, I have done it, and I have left it behind. I am certainly not going to talk smack about someone else anymore to make myself feel better, or be glad I am smaller then someone else, or any of that other negative nonsense that pulls you down. I also get now that as someone said to me there are two sides of the street and you can only clean one, which one are you going to clean? These days I clean my own.

Before I was not just overweight, I was negative and toxic. I see now how many people hold on to their pain, negativity, insecurities you name it and are just toxic. I react more to that then to weight. I react to not trusting someone so insecure they will hurt me to make themselves feel better. I experienced this recently in a different way then my friend. She had something about her body said to her by someone who definitely knew better. Knew better for two reasons, 1. Why be mean about someone else's body, and 2. Would you like that? I mean really, we're not 13 anymore we know what hurts and what doesn't. We're not wolf children we have manners. I think sometimes and I felt this way before because someone was smaller then me I could say something they would never dream of saying to me. Totally weird logic, like because I felt the world was judging me I could judge others? It makes very little sense but it was something along those lines.

My own insecure girl nonsense was dudeski related another lady hot button issue.  A friend of mine who mind you is dating someone spent an evening throwing herself at him. Not cool. Not cool at all. Am I dating him? No. Do I have any claim on him? No. Do I expect MY FRIEND to not throw herself at him? Yes. I am not really down with spending time or investing myself further in friendships that do not really mean anything once those insecurities have been tapped into.  She needs male attention to validate her. She has done this whole try to make the guy you like prefer me to others before and probably will continue to do so. Why, because she does not deal with her ish. She openly cops to issues that she leaves unresolved. Your past is no excuse to suck, period. I notice now my friends who I enjoy the most, get the most from in terms of learning, being pushed, honesty and belly laughs are the ones that have done some work. Who have been brave enough to face things about themselves they did not like and actually address them, and have the confidence to embrace who they are and accept it. Some of them have dipped into therapy, some have not, but I applaud all of them in what they have accomplished. They deserve my time and attention not the negative nellies, and boy snatching girlies.

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