Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Back to Regularly Scheduled Programming

I think this is the longest I have gone without an update here. What a week. I saw Marisa this morning and after filling her in we concluded I faced just about every stressful situation you could in a week without crumbling, being triggered, or eating my way through it. I was very out of control. I was off schedule, I was on the move and on the go, but I tried the best I could to stay on track. It's really hard sometimes to know what is the difference between accepting the situation you are in, and using it to make a choice you might not ordinarily make. I attended my friend's Dad's funeral last Thursday. It was a beautiful memorial very fitting for a wonderful man. Something the rabbi said during it really struck me, we hope he has stillness and peacefulness for eternity. I thought about how we all seek peace, most of us are scared of stillness and we have no concept of eternity. The idea of being wished stillness for eternity would have struck before as the worst thing ever before but I thought yes, we should all hope to have stillness and peace in life and the hereafter.

I am still not totally a-okay with stillness. I have the tendency to keep going, keep my life plate full, be thinking about what next, or planning ahead. I think I strive to manage this from a healthier place now. I have accepted some of it is my nature. I thrive and feel better about myself when I am productive. I am learning better what is a healthy balance for me respecting my nature and when I will let this run too far and use it as a distraction. I need stillness now. I embrace it and I am finding a way to bring it into my life and make my own peace with it. I brought more quiet and stillness into my life last week. I shut the TV off sometimes, I walked without my ipod on, and I just took in the world around me. I was pleasantly surprised how not scary my own mind, thoughts, and stillness was.

So last week besides the funeral which was pretty emotionally upsetting, I had an old friend in town which I was not too concerned about being triggered by, but I also had family in town which is dicey, and my schedule was totally wackadoo. I also had the fun challenge of figuring out what to wear to this funeral. I had some stuff buried in my closet I feared would be too small. These were things from the last time I lost a significant amount of weight. It not only all fit, but most of it was too big because my shape has changed so much. It was super gratifying. I also have a lot of questions for younger anna, starting with what were you thinking? These skirts are the most awkward hideous length, and hip pleats? Really? I am not even starting on my questions about the weird lace catastrophe skirt... I have some serious 'splainin to do.  After deciding I just could not deal with some of the skirt options because they were just too unflattering, and awful I went to my go to, black pants. Black pants are my dress up security blanket. Dresses make me insecure about my legs, black pants seem safe like somehow your legs become invisible. These pants were 1-2 sizes too big. Could I pull it off sure, did I look slightly ragamuffin? Yes. I decided, nope not doing that. I have worked hard for the body I have and by god I am honoring it. I wore a dress I have yet to wear out, and it is gasp short, and you know what, I looked good. I mean as good as you can look funeral bound. Most importantly I did not feel insecure, or like I was inappropriately dressed, or in anyway bad about myself. It felt good to be out of my comfort zone. It was good I had this victory because later I would feel a little ick because there were about 5000 doughnuts in my office, and a box of girl scout cookies when I got back post funeral. By box I do not mean 1 box of cookies, I mean a large mama box filled with multiple baby cookie boxes. Kevin my co-worker came over and said as a friend do not go into the kitchen. Eventually I went into the kitchen. I ate 1.5 donuts, and a few cookies. Was it emotional? Probably. Was it delicious and totally worth it, yes. Those feelings were tasty. What annoyed me was the game of eating a piece of doughnut. Cutting off a little bit over and over.  I know full well a piece will lead to a whole one. I would rather have just said yep take a doughnut and leave. Lesson learned. I am better grasping how to naturally talk to myself. Later when I wanted nutella I said nope you already used up your sweets for today move it along lady and I did.

Now an amusing tale from the week is that night I had a work out with Egon. I had to take my baby cousins to the Lion King Saturday during my normie time so I rescheduled instead of skipping. he had Thursday night free. My initial thought was I am going to be too tired, then I thought well it's going to be a crappy day, maybe a work out will help it not be a crappy night. I got to the gym was changing at the speed of light and realized I was missing my t-shirt. Uh huh. I had a pair of socks I did not need, my ipad, a scarf, but no t-shirt. I just sort of stood dumfounded for a second in disbelief that it was happening. I also of course did the let me search again because by magic it might appear. Amazingly that does not work or make something appear. I knew Egon was not going to let me out of it, and I was going to get charged regardless so I improvised. I worked out in my dress. Yep, my dress and spandex pants. While I looked utterly ridiculous, it helped me see how much more comfortable I am getting in my own skin. The dress had short sleeves I am not totally done with public baring, but so what. I just had a good laugh I needed and got my work out on.

It was a long week, a lot of situations I was out of control in but I rolled with it. I did what I could and accepted when I was out of options. It did feel good to get my groceries Sunday, and plan ahead for the week and know a lot more would be in my control this week. I felt calmed by that and kept reminding myself last week this is just how it goes sometimes, it's temporary, and I am capable of dealing. Sometimes you just have to deal, so deal I did. Keep calm and carry on, and avoid the pistachio doughnuts next time.

Thank you everyone though for your comments, emails and support last week about my friend's Dad. It was really sweet, and thoughtful. All of you totally buoyed my spirits.


  1. whew - it really does sound like a doozy of a week. it sounds like you totally got through it & you're still going strong.

  2. Dude, I hate girl scout cookie season now. Hate it. There are tons of them right now in the kitchen where I work, and it's like those little red boxes of tagalongs are literally calling my name every time I walk by. And that game you played with the donut? I can definitely relate.

    But more importantly, I agree with Sarah. It sounds like you had a really hard week, and not only did you make it through, but you came out stronger than ever. You rock.

  3. sarahlearns- it was a doozy, one thing after another, but it was cool to see I can do it! Now I am less afraid of the next one like that. I just hope it doesn't come around for a little while.

    Samara- dumb girl scout cookies and donut games. Thank you for the encouragement! Much appreciated.