Dominatrix moi?

I was reading a book the other day, okay if I am totally honest about it, it was true crime book. Lately I can not get enough of this. Each night I look forward to crawling into bed to get my true crime on. It's sad how happy it makes me. Seriously I am dating my ipad.  So I was getting my true crime on, and read a line about a couple having issues and the wife said, "I dominate in order to avoid being dominated." This stopped me. I really thought about this a lot after. If your life has been affected by an insecurity which impeded your life you might think you have receded into the background and have not dominated anything but think hard about it. I definitely tried to dominate where I could. I have chosen relationships I could dominate in some way or rebel when they were dominating me. Take the guy from my early twenties when I was super vulnerable. He basically just liked how I looked, and never got beyond that. I would wake up to him staring at me, and say what's up and he would say you're just so beautiful. Uhm this is one of those things you think you want until it happens. You think you want a guy who puts you on a pedestal and thinks you are the most beautiful creature until you get one, especially if that's all you are to them. I was just a face, and I started to see that I did not like being valued for that only. I had lost a bunch of weight at that point but had more to go. He would say things like gosh I can't wait until you lose more weight and get hot. At the time it probably dinged my self confidence but it really did not occur to me how wrong that was and how empty this relationship was. I was so removed already, and just got swept along into a relationship having no voice developed yet. He told me he loved me after a month of dating. A month. He did not love me, he just wanted to be in love and was a manipulative person, but that's a tale for another day. His declarations though gave me knowledge, I was incapable of revealing myself but he made it easy for me to maneuver. I could dominate because I had the power or so I thought. When it came to anything of substance like the fact that I felt smothered and pressured he put me down. Why because dolls aren't supposed to talk. Eventually after nothing I brought up being heard I just crept back even further and then reared my head one day post a few hours in the dentist chair to come home and promptly break up with him. I just snapped, I vividly remember sitting on a curb around the corner from my apartment talking to my mom. I just could not fake it anymore. I was not happy, I could not be myself, I was worn out being manipulated, and I needed out. There was no going back.
It was awful. I felt like the worst person on the planet but it was an important lesson in learning sometimes being selfish is more about survival than just being willy nilly with someone's feelings. My most recent relationship, and some of my dating ever since I have noticed I tend to be willing to put myself out there for guys I think I have some sort of edge over. I tell myself stuff like well I won't get serious, or they're a good fit for this, and whatever but what I really started to see was I thought I could somehow stay on top and stay safe. You can't. In a real relationship you have to take a risk. You have to be willing to not be the one with all the power, but be an equal, be able to be hurt, and the trick is picking someone you can do this with who won't trounce your heart. Scary stuff.

There's a guy sort of swirling in my life now. Friends kept advising me to make a move. I do not want to. I thought it was because I felt too fat. That's my old stand by, but I had gone after guys before despite feeling that way. Faking it until I felt it. What was holding me back now? I think pure and simple I am trying something different. I do not know if I "like" him and if I am not sure then why make a move? Also I would like a move to be made on me. It would do me some good. I was talking to my mom Saturday about it as we strolled around the Met looking at art and she said whatever happened to taking the time to get to know someone? Shes right. I would like to actually take the time to get to know someone. I enjoy hanging out with him, I have fun, I am not obsessing the whole time about where it's going. I am living in the present just hanging out and not worrying about what the future brings move or no move.