I know it's a bad idea yet...

I can not stop engaging with this guy I know is a bad idea. He's a good guy, or so I think but he's not good news for me and yet....I still engage. I like having a crush and have since I was a little kid. It gave me that little boost getting ready in the morning to put that make up on or actually do my hair and not just wear a pony tail. I am 30 now so I would hope I would be beyond this. It would appear I am not. I think in so many ways this is not about a boy. It's about a distraction. I know he's not for me, for many reasons. He's tortured, he has some problems he needs to work out, and most importantly he does not seem interested. Let me repeat that, he is not interested, because if he was he would have asked me out. I say this to drill it into my head not to elaborate for you lovely readers. I of course make this some sort of game. You don't like me well I will make you. This makes me sound far crazier then I am but I definitely have a habit of pursuing guys who make me feel like who I am is not enough, and I have hidden behind that. I have hidden behind who I could be instead of who I was. I wish he wasn't so cute because I have to move on. I have to mantox. I want to know why I still get so hung up on male attention as a way of validating myself, and why I willingly engage with guys who make me question my worth. It's not them it's me, and I have to hold myself accountable. I am hoping by writing about this here, I will be forced to make good on my promise here and leave him alone and run the other way! I have more work to be done on myself, 30 pounds left to lose, and an apartment to make some order out of. I don't need a handsome distraction no matter how tempting it may be.