Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Attack of the Toxic Ex
I was in a relationship that was incredibly bad news bears for about 4.5 years off and on. What little self esteem I had left he pretty much obliterated. I should rephrase that I willingly let him obliterate. He comes around every once and a while I do still have some contact with him, or did. I think when I finally broke up with him for the last time realizing I would rather be alone then with someone who reinforced my negative self image and that in this battle it was him or me he was shocked. For about 6 months or so he acted like it was a break. Then he started to respect the distance and then he started to woo. I have to admit losing over 100 pounds felt really good to show him. It felt really good to be like uh huh this is what you're missing. Not proud of it, but just being honest. He went quiet on me for about three months and then popped back on my radar right around my birthday in July. He actually made contact the day after my birthday in his typical crap timing. We chatted a bit, caught up, exchanged some texts and then silence again. This was approximately August. I realized last night as I deleted his number out of my phone,I am over it. Over examining it, over proving myself to him, over "trying to be friend", over moving on, over maintaining boundaries, over it. He literally has no place in my life and I do not feel one speck of guilt about it. He made some mistakes, I made some mistakes, but there's a reason we are exes and those are generally not friends. What bound us is not there anymore and truly if I am brutally honest about it, never was. There was not mutual respect, this was a one way street and again if I am really honest about it completely reflective of how little I thought about myself. What I see now is because I didn't love me I didn't want to be with someone who did. I wanted to be with someone who asked very little emotionally of me accept supporting and existing for them. I was not a whole person to him, he set bars and I jumped to meet them over and over again. If I do this he'll love me. I fell into this trap because I was willing to and I see that now. When we had the very last break up conversation and he said I loved how you made me feel about myself it said it all. I will never ever settle again for being the person who makes someone else feel good and that's it. No way. It leaves you far more empty then being alone ever could.