Friday, December 3, 2010

Finally Finding an Answer

I got a really great email from someone telling me a little about their struggle and asking me what really got motivated to start my journey. I really applauded the email because they reached out and that's what it is about, asking for help and staying committed to finding what works for you. So awesome. Anyway, I still have a hard time articulating an answer to why now, but I thought my reply is actually the closest I have come to being able to verbalize why I started this.


Thank you so much for your email. It's so kind of you. What made me start this whole process was I was really tired of being overweight. I have struggled with my weight off and on since I was a kid. I started investigating gastric bypass but sort of knew in the back of my mind it was not totally right for me because I was becoming aware that the problem was more in my head then it was in my belly. It wasn't so much I had this insatiable appetite but that I used food as a way to deal with my life. I also felt like it was preventing me from having the life that I should be leading. I am a confident person but I was tired of overcompensating for my weight. I was also tired of being defined by my weight both by myself and other people. It just got to a point where I was finally able and willing to admit I wasn't happy and my weight was playing a huge part of that. I also had to accept I was hiding behind my weight. My weight was not the issue it was the symptom. I had really low self esteem and was not really dealing with my life and past things the way in which I thought I had. I was using food to numb myself. A big turning point for me was when I realized binging was not doing what it once did. Food wasn't making me feel better, and how do you know you're an addict when it's not fun but you keep doing it anyway. I joined a gym, and realized I was going to have to incorporate exercise not just to lose weight to be healthy and that was what I redefined my goal as. I wanted to be healthy mentally, and physically. I wanted to be able to prepare nutritious meals for myself, incorporate exercise, and not fear my food and my relationship with it. So I got exercise under control, found a great trainer, started working with her, and then found my nutritionist. She has changed my life. The very first appointment I had with her was life changing. She really opened my eyes to the validity of the emotional component and how much the problem really was I didn't love or value myself therefore I did not think I deserved the things I wanted. Not easy stuff to deal with but I can not tell you how happy I am that I did. I have not had too hard a time maintaining my motivation because this process has been so rewarding. I have learned so much about myself. I have learned how to love, value, and respect myself and body, not identify with just my weight and value myself through that only and as a special bonus proper nutrition and healthy living practices. I achieved my goal of living in a healthy manner and as a bonus have lost over 100 pounds is the way I see it.

You are absolutely worth living the life you want to lead, but more importantly you deserve to feel great about yourself, your body and what you put into it. Find what works for you, maybe try a nutritionist. Find the support system where you are challenged, held accountable, but feel safe to be honest and do not feel judged. WW did not work for me, crappy dieticians who told me to live off of egg whites and sugar free jello did not work for me, meal delivery nope didn't work, nothing worked until I was able to admit I was not happy and was ready to do this for myself. I also think though I needed to work with someone who I felt understood my problem and did not reinforce my shame about it. I had never said aloud that I binged until I met my nutritionist and I have binged since I was about 5 years old and was 28 when I started seeing her. 23 years of hiding a behavior is exhausting. Now all that time I spent worrying about what I ate, or what diet I was following, or how I felt about my thighs or whatever is my time to decide what to do with and as a student you need all that brain power for you! I advise you to think about what does food mean to you. It sounds like a silly question but as Marisa my nutritionist put it to me she said until you can figure that out you will never maintain a healthy weight. I now better understand what that means. Food was my friend, coping mechanism, wall, outlet, voice so many things, and now it's just what I eat.

I hope I have answered some of your questions and hope I have not over shared. Please let me know if you would like to know anything else. I have been there, and every day I wake up and just try to do the best I can because it's the rest of my life of taking care of myself not a diet.

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