Tuesday, October 5, 2010

So Much Things to Say Right Now

I am going to attempt to focus my thoughts because it's been a whole since I wrote. Lots going on. New trainer, new goals, new lessons, and new challenges. I am actually learning and redefining what my hunger/fullness is.

This would be a lot easier if my history did not both include restriction and binging. This really monkeys with your sense of true hunger. I do not always know. What I learned recently strengthening these skills is I panic when hungry. I had tried to deny my appetite for so long and then in the recovery process giving myself permission I went way to far. The second I sensed hunger I responded. I am working on this and enjoying the process of learning rather then beating myself up over it. I am a little over the beating up and way more on board with learning and patience. This is a lovely feeling and it is helping me learn more.

Another new development is I am not eating sweets. I am still eating sugar, mostly naturally occurring but no desserts. I have not been 100% on the ball. I have had 3 desserts in 2 weeks which I will take. I was having dessert 1-2 times per day. This ranged from 1 square of dark chocolate to a full blown dessert experience. It was tough at first and still is now, but I see how much more this is a habit then it is an addiction. I am not addicted to dessert like I thought, nor is a cute thing about my personality I feel the need to cling to. I don't need to like sweets to be me. It's been really cool to see myself be open to moving past a habit.

I am continuing to work on my confidence and keep putting myself out there. Out where I don't know but I have been taking classes I always wanted to take, doing things at the gym I thought were beyond me and yes continuing to date. It's still somewhat scary but it gets easier learning to think positive before negative. I literally tell myself to shut up when I got into the icky negative place.

Work has continued to be stressful but I have been doing pretty well at not eating my feelings. Addressing my hunger fullness cues has significantly helped with this because in trying to define how hungry I am I have to look at why I might be. I still eat out of boredom more then I would care to. It's one for the list of things to stay aware of and to have continued patience at addressing.

This week I was 2.5 pounds down which after a few weeks of no losing was a welcomed changed. I was pretty on my game last week, but still had some indulgences so it was cool to really feel like I was living a sustainable lifestyle. I also made a video for a friend in taking a leap of putting my story out there. If only everyone who struggled with their weight knew that there are ways to go about it that don't involve denial and not accepting who you are but embracing and modifying it. It helps keep me committed to living the lifestyle I want to in order to make others aware. I am grateful for that.

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