I had yoga last night. I am still feeling totally crappy but there was no way I was missing yoga. I actually moved more then I thought I would which was encouraging. I am also improving which makes me feel so great about myself. My posture is much improved which has been a life long struggle. I am tall and have had decent sized breasts since I was 8/9 years old. True story, first bra was a 32 C. Not where I saw this post going but anyway, my point is I always rounded my shoulders and literally folded in. I think this was a few things, shyness, reducing my size, and just not wanting to stand proud and tall. I always felt like having my shoulders up made me seem like booby mcbooberson so I avoided it. I am using muscles I did not know I had, and strengthening ones I have never really called upon. My shoulders are starting to look really defined and doing planks and even downward dog is much easier, and I hate the core exercises less because I am getting stronger. I try to make myself do the planks and core work because I hate them the most and want to dread it less never mind so much of yoga and life depends on your core. I love what my trainer says about it though, core exercises never get easier just different challenges. Well there's that hope that core gets easier done and dispelled. It amazes me how quickly I have been able to learn and improve. It's been maybe two months since I have been really making an effort I think? It just reinforces to me how letting go can help you grow. I have let go of trying to "master" yoga, and just made it about being aware and dedicated. I think not being afraid to get things wrong, ask questions, or admit I do not get something is helping me both progress in yoga and learn about myself. Being one on one I can ask Melissa questions that are tough in class, and bust myself. There are a few poses I just totally fake and now we're working on them. It's cool to know how they should actually be and what I need to be concentrating on.
So last night Melissa had me in pigeon pose. If you are not familiar it's intense. I have a love hate relationship with it. I love the intensity of the feeling and stretch, but it's definitely really hard to just focus on your breathing and not when you are going to get out of it. My hamstrings, and bum are permanently tight and this really targets that. Last night she had me hold pigeon for I swear a lifetime and a half, but what was really a few minutes. I also was using a block for my forehead, so I was not propped on my elbows which forces your body to submit further and the the feeling to intensify. I was doing well at first breathing, thinking yes brain this does hurt and the more you relax the more it hurts, but think of how much your muscles appreciate this. For realz I say these things to myself. About half way into my right leg I started to panic. I was not panicking because I thought Melissa had decided to take a nap and was not going to let me out of it. I started feeling things that I do not even know what the feelings were or what they stem from but I was tempted to burst into tears. It was not just that it's intense. I mean if the pain was crying bad I wouldn't do it, this was definitely emotional. I think my hips might finally be ready to talk. I have no idea what they have to say just yet and am not particularly caught up on figuring that out this second but it was really amazing to just be able to breathe through it, acknowledge it and ride it out. I did not end up crying but I can not even tell you how bad I just wanted out of that pose and my body. I just wanted to run and curl up into a ball and maybe rock for good measure. I know several people who have cried after yoga class, and I find this really interesting. It had never happened to me but I can get why it does. Strength training once I got all quiver lipped, but yoga had not stirred me. It stirs me positively, it calms me, but maybe now it's allowing me to continue dealing with whatever I need to. I know I am creating a place within myself to deal. I know I can sit with things and just be and sometimes I won't know what it all means I just have to feel it. After being numb for so long but thinking I was feeling it's still makes me catch my breath sometimes when I feel something I did not expect and then it surprises me even more I do not want to run from it.