Saturday, February 5, 2011

A Charming Change of Events

I have been feeling relatively good in my skin lately. In some ways not good or bad, just sort of neutral, not really beating up on myself, or being delusional. I really did not feel like going to yoga Saturday morning. It was my least favorite description of winter weather, a "wintry mix" outside and I just felt lazy. I made myself get changed, sprint to the gym and made it just in time. Almost immediately I was glad. I had started my day with my hot lemon water as per the 21 day yoga body challenge, and now most of the yoga poses I was supposed to do for day 1 were included in class. Bonus!

During class I started to feel self conscious. Usually I don't. There are all shapes and sizes, and skill levels but for some reason today I just sort of got hung up on it. It's my bottom half. I really try to get past my unhappiness about it but sometimes it crops up. I see so much change everywhere else but here. What I try to hang on to is it has changed A LOT. When I got started on this I was 6 sizes bigger on the bottom. I definitely lose sight of that just because I am not the size I want to be yet. One of the problems is mirrors. There are not supposed to be mirrors in yoga classes because you should learn by feeling not seeing. Interesting right? I was definitely getting hung up on the seeing. I made myself shake the negative and get back to the present and continue with class. I think that's what helped me have a lovely moment. I have not been able to do full wheel yet. I used to be able to do back bends when I was a kid like it was nothing. I have struggled with this an just felt so utterly heavy when I have tried. I mean soul crushing heavy. Today I thought I could hang out in half wheel or just try. I did try and I lifted myself up with so much ease I almost yelled in class I was so excited. I couldn't believe it, for realz. I was feeling like pudgy mcpudgkins a few minutes ago and then doing a pose that I felt my size had held me back from. I am not terribly lighter then when I started yoga, but what I am is stronger, leaner, and more determined.

I am determined to not be thin but to be healthy, strong, and confident of the body I am in. I felt such pride in myself and my body on Saturday. I felt this since of yes, we are in it together. It's not just me telling you what to do, we're doing it. I may not wear the size I want to yet, but I tell you want I rock a mean pair of black jeggings, this bottom half is full not half empty.

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