Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Sitting with it

I think the hardest thing to do is just sit with stuff. Not check out, not distract, not deny but just sit with it. I have been creating space within myself and my life to allow me to just sit with things. Right now I have some swirl in my head. Some of it's being under the weather, tired and cranky. I am over it. I want to feel well and be back to my routine but this makes me ask why? In some ways I want to be back to my routine because it's safe. It's where I can check out and not sit with it. It's where I can wash away whatever the swirl is and feel more capable dealing with my life and emotions. Lately I can feel better about saying yeah I don't feel awesome and that's alright I am what I am and this is what I am now. Having my exercise reduced is showing me how much I do depend on it to calm me.

I have a love affair with the treadmill. It's gotten me to where I am cardio wise. I also know I lose weight doing it. I trust the results it can give me. That's part of what keeps me coming back. I also just like to watch TV and zone out there. Lately I have been pushed by Marisa, and Egon to get off the treadmill and do other cardio. I was dipping my toe into this. I have not really embraced it. It's scary, it's not the formula I know and have trusted, but on the other hand can I really expect to be on the treadmill the rest of my life weight loss aside? Being sick I can not run, it's just not a possibility. Breathing is trying enough so running is a no go. I would have to be capable of breathing out my nose for that...Anyway I have been on the elliptical. I am embracing it. It's not what I know but right now it's what I can do. I usually do 45mins-60mins cardio minimum, but have only been capable of 30 minutes since the illness that would never leave came into my life. Last night I felt pretty well and thought about doing 45 mins but then thought why? So you can wear yourself out? Maybe you should call it quits and have an early dinner go home and get some rest. I did just that and you know what I survived and did not magically gain all the weight back overnight. Amazing how that works.

It's hard not to check out, whether it's a glass of wine, exercise, food, smoking, shopping the list goes on. It is hard to live in your life at every moment. I think some times we need an escape. I guess it's finding that balance between what is a healthy escape to process, feel and move on, and what is denying and distracting from the feelings. Oh feelings you tricky things. I may no longer eat you, but it doesn't mean I always want to deal with you. Being a girl I thought I understood the breadth of my emotional capabilities. Nope, I was too busy denying and running from them to actually know them. It still stumps me sometimes. Is it general malaise or is there an undercurrent? I do not know but I do know I feel something and at the end of the day that alone makes me feel better.


  1. I quite like routine and I dip my toe into things where I'm forced to step outside this... I run for my exercise, or walk every alternate day. I know I know that building muscle would help me burn more calories and that I could do some weight resistence stuff, but I'm just really resisting it. I just don't feel like doing that, or calculating everything I can do to make this process faster or perfect. I hate it when we get to that point of feeling a tad micromanaging it... how much carbs we're getting, how much cardio, what weights we're doing, high intensity training, low intensity training... blah blah blah. I sometimes want to scream "what's wrong with just eating better and moving more!!!".. .when did it all get so technical??!!!!! So I did my heels in and continue to only dip my toes in when I feel pulled from what I like to do.

  2. Agreed. I think that's why I worry less about my food in terms of carbs, calories, and all the numbers and more about my exercise. I also still work with a trainer because I am not disciplined on my own. It makes it sooo much easier. Egon's great so it's fun to it's like a collaboration that kills me and I don't even know it until it's done. The thing I keep in mind is, cardio burns but strength training changes. Strength training helped me love and be impressed by my body so despite my not wanting to do it I respect it.

  3. It's so interesting to me that you're reluctant to abandon the treadmill, because I've basically done everything I possibly could over the past year to avoid it. I don't know why -- I guess I just convinced myself at some point that I COULDN'T run, which is ridiculous, right? Everyone can run!

    But within the past two months, I've gotten stuck in a few situations where I couldn't use my trusted work-out DVDs or do my typical strength training routines, so instead, I've gotten on the treadmill and tried to face my fear. Yesterday happened to be one of those days, and I actually had a real breakthrough. I ran for much longer than I thought I could, and I felt so proud and happy when I stepped off that machine.

    So yeah, I'm always resistant to changing up my routine, because I'm a very routine-oriented person, and hey, if I know what works, why mess with it? But I think change is essential. I don't think we necessarily need to get all technical and make ourselves nuts, but facing your fears is always a good thing, right? My reluctance to get on the treadmill was all about fear. Fear of not being able to do it, fear of looking stupid, fear of falling off the back like one of the contestants on Biggest Loser....