I think the hardest thing to do is just sit with stuff. Not check out, not distract, not deny but just sit with it. I have been creating space within myself and my life to allow me to just sit with things. Right now I have some swirl in my head. Some of it's being under the weather, tired and cranky. I am over it. I want to feel well and be back to my routine but this makes me ask why? In some ways I want to be back to my routine because it's safe. It's where I can check out and not sit with it. It's where I can wash away whatever the swirl is and feel more capable dealing with my life and emotions. Lately I can feel better about saying yeah I don't feel awesome and that's alright I am what I am and this is what I am now. Having my exercise reduced is showing me how much I do depend on it to calm me.
I have a love affair with the treadmill. It's gotten me to where I am cardio wise. I also know I lose weight doing it. I trust the results it can give me. That's part of what keeps me coming back. I also just like to watch TV and zone out there. Lately I have been pushed by Marisa, and Egon to get off the treadmill and do other cardio. I was dipping my toe into this. I have not really embraced it. It's scary, it's not the formula I know and have trusted, but on the other hand can I really expect to be on the treadmill the rest of my life weight loss aside? Being sick I can not run, it's just not a possibility. Breathing is trying enough so running is a no go. I would have to be capable of breathing out my nose for that...Anyway I have been on the elliptical. I am embracing it. It's not what I know but right now it's what I can do. I usually do 45mins-60mins cardio minimum, but have only been capable of 30 minutes since the illness that would never leave came into my life. Last night I felt pretty well and thought about doing 45 mins but then thought why? So you can wear yourself out? Maybe you should call it quits and have an early dinner go home and get some rest. I did just that and you know what I survived and did not magically gain all the weight back overnight. Amazing how that works.
It's hard not to check out, whether it's a glass of wine, exercise, food, smoking, shopping the list goes on. It is hard to live in your life at every moment. I think some times we need an escape. I guess it's finding that balance between what is a healthy escape to process, feel and move on, and what is denying and distracting from the feelings. Oh feelings you tricky things. I may no longer eat you, but it doesn't mean I always want to deal with you. Being a girl I thought I understood the breadth of my emotional capabilities. Nope, I was too busy denying and running from them to actually know them. It still stumps me sometimes. Is it general malaise or is there an undercurrent? I do not know but I do know I feel something and at the end of the day that alone makes me feel better.