Resentment and disappointment have traditionally been big triggers for me. I have a hard time dealing with them and I would just check out. I have someone who is causing resentment to bubble underneath the surface. The real problem is I am not able to have a honest relationship with this person. They have their own issues. They are self destructive, selfish, and to be super honest broken. This is not someone who is going to change, nor do I feel like it is my responsibility to change them. I am actually really worn out and tired by how much this person requires. I have just sort of snapped. I literally can not do it anymore. I can not laugh at the same jokes, indulge the same whims and needs, and basically always be trying to make the world revolve around them. Most importantly I can not pretend anymore that things are not the way that they are.
How do you protect yourself? I've always believed when you argue with a fool no one knows who the fool is, but how do you stay true to who you are not, protect yourself against their nonsense, and function. It's not easy. It's not easy when often you just want to yell. I just want to have a touch of the tourette's and be allowed to be as unaccountable for me behavior and they are for theirs. I would like to be able to opt out of being an adult and just behave however I see fit in that given moment because I have a bag of never ending excuses. The most frustrating thing is I never get to feel how I want to feel, because they always have an excuse. It's so frustrating and maddening.
The more I commit to taking care of myself the less time I have for those who don't. It's not a question of judgment. I am no better or worse then anyone else but I do get to choose how my time is spent. I choose not to be around people wallowing in denial, insecurities, and excuses, because I can too easily and quickly go down that path myself. I want to be around people who are not afraid to say hard things about themselves, truly look at how they behave and not how they want to think they behave. I don't want to be around people who only look to keep themselves safe even if it is at the expense of others. It's a real kick in the teeth though that we have to work and do not get to choose everyone we spend the bulk of our time with. Time to create a better force field of protection.
I spend so much time alone, because I have a hard time finding and connecting with like minded people. I guess that is a form of protection for me. No more worrying about getting stood up for shopping dates, getting talked about, etc.
ReplyDeleteBethanny- You are way to cool, funny, and awesome to be hanging on your own all the time. I agree, girlfriends can be hard and it's easy to give up, but now I have less friends but ones I can count on, and don't make me feel like I am in high school again. I swear there are really great ladies out there waiting to have lady dates with you.
ReplyDeleteI have worked at getting rid of those types of relationships myself. I am a very honest person and prefer that others are honest with me - even when it's hurtful. At least then I know where I stand.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I have immediate family members who are "toxic". It is hard to deal with but I've learned that distance helps. And, if all else fails, choosing when and where I spend time with them. It got to the point where I realized that my own mental health was more important. I hope you are able to find that balance as well.
Creating new, healthy boundaries with people who are already in your day to day life is very challenging. Keep breathing, keep listening to what your gut is saying and don't be afraid to be speak your mind with firmness. People with unhealthy behavior will not change their ways, so just know all the work you are doing on yourself will continue to create an honest, loving woman who knows how to take care of herself! Protect yourself by not putting yourself in their path. Breathe, turn away, get up, walk away. And come back stronger and more confident. Go Anna!
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